I am not feeling well right now...

Last couple days I've been feeling so odd...so....empty. The frustrating this is this constant back and forth of wanting to complain and knowing it wont help and feeling like I don't know what going on but also feeling of knowing. I feel like it's these repressed emotions I mentioned before. Most apparently pervading are guilt and doubt. I'm constantly feeling a need to say sorry and I have this terrifying, sickening feeling of not understanding whats going on with me and what I should do or not. All the while my heart feels like a heavy crystal, burning somewhere deep down where nothing can reach, clouded by darkness that  makes the air feel heavy yet empty..

I got my pendulum today, along with some white sage, an abalone shell and a free gift of green quartz which is all wonderful. Ugh...I'm itching everywhere...this always happens when I'm depressed. Anyway....I had fun getting to know my pendulum and talking to my crystals today. I recognize the answers of the pendulum when it means yes, no, maybe, when its up in the air but leaning towards a yes or a no. It made me very happy to have a session with myself getting some questions answered that have been weighing on me and I got to settle which of my crystals like to be in the sun or the moon and even found that a couple of them need deep cleansing which of course if really good to know.

It also helped me pick out the crystals and numbers that I am feeling most drawn to today. It's seems 3 and 6 are very present and I'm needing of Blue lace agate and my Amethyst today.

Ugh...it feels so hard to do anything...everything feels like it hurts my heart or just makes my body ache to do while i'm this way....Anxiety, pain, restlessness, worry, uncertainty...ugh...i'm not sure if I should work through this or rest...but I think I can no longer write...

I'll be glad when I can move past all this <3

Noblesse Oblige

I am a young Queen in this place
Relearning of myself
Swimming in the depths I love
For wisdom and knowledge
For beauty and the meaning
Of my own nobility
Noblesse Oblige

I hardly care for the trudges I walk
Filled with mud, disgustingly wrought
As I can pull from the most dense trenches
The loveliness of Soul akin
Noblesse Oblige

To know truly one must be
No wisdom gained without experiencing
And so to be worth my words
In mastery of the art I love
On bended knee I kneel to the universe
And surrender to my lessons
Noblesse Oblige

I can and will make it through all things
Holding to my royalty
A will undying in passion and integrity
To be deserving of the beauty I claim
Verily, Noblesse Oblige

A Young Preistess

Currently I'm in a moment of clearing and I've come to recognize that during this time I'm much calmer, very still in the sense of having a distinct sense of balance even as I watch and experience all of my repressed emotions coming to the surface of my being to be expressed or cleared away.

As of very recently (like yesterday) I had the resonation of heart to think of myself as a Priestess. The word has been floating around with a strong presence for a while now, perhaps months most notably. And now that I think of it just now it would also explain why in the past few months I've been strongly drawn to religious and ritualistic practices and feelings urged towards practicing magic and working with my healing abilities.

Well yesterday, since I had this urging I looked up the definition of a priestess that really stuck with me:http://www.wethewomencommunity.com/what-is-a-priestess-and-what-does-she-do.html

I blissful recognition shook me like a flame combustion in my heart. The kind of shiver that if I were less aware of myself I would have been terrified and plagued by doubting to the point of repressing this trigger and disregarding it as a mere strong wishing of imagination. Thankfully I know better than that with myself now, at least enough to recognize when I must push forward past by doubts to reach the next level of comprehension.

Something I've been contemplating...recently I've been noticing that I can envisage things in my mind with much more clarity and definition. It's what I've imagined how a fortune teller looking a crystal ball experiences their visions. One example of this is on an occasion with my lover I closed my eyes and saw in the dark of my minds space, blood splattering. It startled me but I opened my eyes and calmed myself before I could push away the clarity of what I was sensing with questions like "what was that" "god that was disturbing" "whats happening?". Instead the idea became clear to me that my lover was experiencing deep wounds in his subtle bodies. This was later confirmed by further conversation between he and I.

So yes...my contemplation concerns this and asks the question "How do you flourish this ability?" and "How can I use this for myself and others?"

I've decided to buy a pendulum, It will be this Lapis Lazuli pendant I've had my eye on for quite a while now from: http://www.healingcrystals.com/Pendulum_-_Lapis_Lazuli_Sphere_Pendulums.html

And i've also spent much of my days intuitively interpreting numbers and writing my thoughts as well as designing my own scrying table (which I will make somehow I haven't determined yet lol) and ALSO I'll be buying some white sage which according to the wonderful people at healingcrystals.com is very good for long distance aura cleansing so that'll be something that I look forward to doing for people (looking past fears of wondering if anyone would want me to do something like that for them)...Oh dear...those deep seeded repressed feelings *Hugs myself inside and closes my hands over my heart* It'll all be alright <3

That also reminds me that I realized that I have alot of self work to do. Cleansing is a must! VERY deep cleansing...As there are things that have been buried deep in me that I don't wish to interfere with intentions towards anyone else! I am a crystal and just like any crystal before I can assist anyone in healing I must be properly cleansed and charged :) The realization that I must take care of myself by learning to recognize and properly tend to my needs as I cross phases in my life was a freeing one. For a very long time I have settled for too little and have barely sustained or kept myself and my wants and needs in an attempt to avoid the feeling of being in anyone else's way and just in general making sure that everyone else had what they needed and wanted before considering myself, most times not leaving room for myself at all..

The idea is coming to me now that, I've worried alot about whether i'm serving my life purpose "fast" or "efficient" enough and this has created worry and anxiety in me but...A person of any position must be properly trained. The mastery of myself is the only way to ensure that I am upholding the integrity and beauty that I wish to claim as a being. It's okay to take time to take care of myself.

That was a really refreshing burst of light from within myself as I hear these words. What seems so simply spoken has been a long time in waiting for deep recognition, understanding, and practice.

Many wounds being experienced but I am also viewing the birthing and rebirth of  many lovely things within myself. All of which, I am grateful for. Crystals and Preistess's and psychic abilities and self knowing and wisdom and healing...yes yes...much much in my life right now <3

Blessings and thank you for reading <3

A LOT has happened...

So much so that I sit here before an empty blog post for the first time in FOREVER! and I'm totally unsure of what to say "so to speak" as I know the words are in there somewhere just waiting to be channeled out (which is why I felt an undeniable urging to come post lol)

Yeah see that ^ totally a recognition that is a product of my taking time to "train" my intuition so to speak. In my time away I dove deep into that rabbit hole I've been dying to drop down. I could describe it as a journey into my heart or self realization, bonding with my true self, the universe, and totally getting my wizardry on lol All of those expressions pretty much make the point.

It's been all about experiencing whats happening in the now. "The now" such a common new age term that I feel apprehensive in using it for fear of being "cliché" on the matter but that's really the only way I could think of it. The now, the present. Because I realized that everything I wanted to and needed to know wasn't going to be gained by thinking about "What am I doing" or "What am I suppose to be doing" on a constant basis. My soul knows what I need, and because that can shift on every level and/or within any level of myself with every passing millisecond, my soul keeps up with all of it, past present future, and what it needs from my conscious mind is FOCUS, focus on what my thoughts and feelings are NOW that need to be addressed.

In the last few months I've come to recognize the signs of my psychic abilities Like singing a certain song randomly and then turning on the radio and there it is or picking up on thoughts from those around me, speaking on said "random" thought and hearing "I was JUST thinking about that, I'm glad you said something!" And also I've taken to reading numbers (apparently it's a deep passion of mine :) ) I take the numbers I see anywhere everywhere and I look up their symbolism and other peoples meanings on them and after a while I could see the patterns that were giving me certain messages through repeated number sequences based on my researched knowledge and my intuitive feelings about how the number apply to my current situations. Messages from the realm of spirit that tell me things like "A new door of opportunity has opened up for you to step up to your next level of potential" or "The angels are assisting you in an important time in creation of your life". The last one I took recently from a stream of 111's 22's and 44's that have been appearing.

Omg SO MUCH EMOTIONAL WORK! The mastery of mind and emotion is no joke! Seriously, solitary work of self when you switch the gear from auto pilot to manual is not an endeavor to take lightly. I've watched my world and entire expression of self be turned upside down and trying to make sense out of seemingly no sense  in the midst of my own emotional darkness and trying to sort through it. Intentions and actions becoming all mixed up due to feelings of all kinds of fears that I didn't even know were still plaguing me like abandonment, being perceived wrong, being violated just bledding into everything I said and did and the ways I acted...and wow...just so much.

So much pain yet so much strength and understanding gained. I have experienced my own strength of core self shine light from within me as I've gone on healing and understanding more of myself and my relation to all things. Truly it has been amazing beyond my own belief. And now for my nerd moment...

I'M AT THE PART IN MY STORY WHERE I GET TO SEE HOW MY POWERS WORK AND IT'S SO COOL (~OoO)~-*

Haha, love being a magical girl >w< <3

Frustration Cast by Shadow

For the last couple weeks I've been often feeling this sense of discomfort and irritation. Also everything I want to do feels like I have to force myself to have the will to do it and I tend to feel like I'm struggling to get into a comfortable place and like I'm drowning. I don't know whats going on...I'm sure its just another process of learning. I've been hearing much about eclipses and what they bring about in everyone. Integrating the Shadow aspects of ourselves, parts of us that have gone overlooked being brought to light. I definitely feel like this has been happening to me...

It's not always loud and in my face this feeling. It also has felt like an undertone or it will come up during my interaction and observations of people. Things that annoy me, things that make me angry and I just have been trying to figure out what the reasons are behind this feeling being triggered so that it doesn't like...ruin my life lol

I'm going through alot as I've mentioned before. Trying to find a job, working on my art, coming into myself, discovering how I wish to express myself and all...and within this my emotions are  very intense and swirly which can make things confusing sometimes.This much I have learned about this particular uneasy feeling so far...It has much to do with words gone unsaid which evolves into insecurities and fears that make me more reactive than interactive. I see it alot in my relationship with my beloved, we've been having way too many arguments for my taste :( and they get so frustrating that I feel hopeless in trying to find common ground within them and its tearing me apart because each argument is an unsolved reoccurring entity that will arise over and over until the whatever pattern is causing this horrible mis-communication is revealed and settled in the proper fashion.

I've been smoking passionflower recently and it has been wonderful during this time in my life. The essence of it is designed to promote a calming of the mind and muscles so you can see why it has been a great ally to me as of late. I know I need to relax and realign with my own harmony if I hope to get through this ashen time and/or solve anything within my life. I see the emotions I've kept hidden or tried to keep in check or act like I wasn't feeling becoming more and more apparent. Things like resentment and jealousy and anger, all for their own reasons and such. I know I'm in need of healing, I feel my wings tickling my shoulder blades to remind me that they are there. I'm also feeling like I need to detox my body physically.

So yeah...really I guess the statement earlier that I don't know whats going on isn't all together true lol Granted I don't understand all of it as it arises but I suppose I understand enough of it to grasp what I'm going through and a general idea of what I need to do. That's all I can ask for really and I'm grateful for that much <3

In Such Reverence

My desire for religion
Is my desire to express
my love of God
That which tones in
Everything

Like a lotus unfolding
Does it wish to express the
beauty of the soil from
which it grows?

As I am in efflorescence
the patterns that I am born
from, this is the way of
God, that which my affection
holds close

For every particle of mud
For every shape of bud
For ever shade of blossom
That, which I adore

So the world will be my temple
and so my religion will be
Art, and as my existence
resounds, so too the passion
of my heart

The Call of Balance within Chaos

A bit of confession...I feel like I don't put as much effort into my writing as I could/should. More like I feel like I could take more time but, its rather the WAY I write that has been irking me a bit. Not that I think I'm terrible or anything but more so that I feel like I can do better, that I can express myself better. I've been thinking alot on how I write my poetries and tell my stories and I can't help but want to pull my writings into the deep with me that they may soak in the liquids of my heart and be expressed more thoroughly.

I feel like I tend to get excited and impatient especially when writing my blog...sometimes. I have ideas and I feel like I'm rushing to get them out and then in the middle of them I get so hyped that I end up skipping over details that were of key importance when I first viewed them in my minds space. I feel that I could benefit from the putting some focus into embodying the grace of balance, of concentration, of taking the time to be even more thoughtful within my movements both physically and within the metaphysical attributes. To learn to put this into daily practice.

 Perhaps I can practice this by putting more effort into detail? Oh yes, I remember this line of thinking from when I became interested in the Mandala, the art of an unfolding interweaving design connected by a unified center. I feel that myself is begging for me to find my way within this idea as it applies to the unfolding of my life. There is so much going on within me, so many emotions felt simultaneously, so many dreams in active within my lives and so much more to be discovered. I find myself at once all of content, of pain and sadness, and of bliss. The axis of my core perceives all of these things as I feel them not one by way or one or another at intervals but yes, as I said, simultaneously even as they seem to be conflicting. Reality is Chaos, but Chaos can also be within balance. This, I firmly believe.

Frustration befalls me, dew springs from my heart through the passage of my eyes that peer upon my world and wonders...What is going on with me? What am I doing with myself? With so many ways to go and so many things I want to do and even with all that I've perhaps "figured out" I still...feel called into...something. It could be the feeling of of wanting to ground these understandings, to put them into practical use within my life. I have this feeling of...not knowing how to do...something...something that is important to me...

Another thing, actually I remember that I wanted to mention is that I notice myself being drawn to religious or disciplinary practices. I recently watched Life of Pi (which is an AMAZING movie by the way, highly reccomended) and this desire was sparked in watching what I suppose is an Indian form of praise dancing? Perhaps sacred dance? I'm not certain of it's name and will have to look it up but it also reminds me of the video which I posted firsthand at the beginning of this blog. It is, in basis, the art of emulating nature to express it's beauty through bodily movement. In the movie the dance instructor at one time speaks sternly to the dancers stressing that they must concentrate to fully express thier love of God...this very much so intrigued me, plucking at a tone on my heart string.  As I have spoken a bit about before my perception of God is that it is is Energy, the source of all creation in that energy is all that exists and therefore God is the universe and is expressed within all things as we are created of it. Therefore I think of expressing the love of God as expressing my love for the sacredness of all things within existence, to express the love of the living patterns that make the art of all things...There is an intensely euphoric feeling in this act and in feeling my connection to this; it is a feeling of...serenity, of...divinity that fills my being with an essence of beauty that is for me at this time impossible to describe, the words aforementioned in detail of it being the closest thing to it that I can imagine. It is this level of beauty that I have sought to embody all my life. This beauty that I so love..."Love", and what does that mean to me? After many long years of observation and contemplation I have surmised this: Love is the feeling of acceptance and embracing in wholeness that which one is connected to. Just as I love my lover because we have chosen to accept each other and embrace our relationship through the turning of our lives, through the sunshines and storms of cycling existence. One can now imagine what I mean by Unconditional love, as I have mentioned before. This meaning I have also sought for the truth of all my life, now here, has been satisfied.

Wow...the articulation of this feels amazing.

I am feeling that this post has reached it's comma until a later time. I feel...satisfied with this :) I remember now, there's nothing like a good session of just letting your thoughts flow.You never know where you're gonna end up when you start writing but, you start somewhere and take your time with patience, you listen to what you feel let the words come in, you look over it all and perhaps make some edits and new editions so that when you get to the end and, find yourself exactly where you wanted to be in the way you wanted to be it. Such as it is in life.It always fills me with bliss to sort out my feelings and paint them with appropriate coloring. A poem is on it's way also for anyone that wants to tune into that next post. Again, thank you, for sharing this moment with me. Namaste Inlakech <3