For the last couple weeks I've been often feeling this sense of discomfort and irritation. Also everything I want to do feels like I have to force myself to have the will to do it and I tend to feel like I'm struggling to get into a comfortable place and like I'm drowning. I don't know whats going on...I'm sure its just another process of learning. I've been hearing much about eclipses and what they bring about in everyone. Integrating the Shadow aspects of ourselves, parts of us that have gone overlooked being brought to light. I definitely feel like this has been happening to me...
It's not always loud and in my face this feeling. It also has felt like an undertone or it will come up during my interaction and observations of people. Things that annoy me, things that make me angry and I just have been trying to figure out what the reasons are behind this feeling being triggered so that it doesn't like...ruin my life lol
I'm going through alot as I've mentioned before. Trying to find a job, working on my art, coming into myself, discovering how I wish to express myself and all...and within this my emotions are very intense and swirly which can make things confusing sometimes.This much I have learned about this particular uneasy feeling so far...It has much to do with words gone unsaid which evolves into insecurities and fears that make me more reactive than interactive. I see it alot in my relationship with my beloved, we've been having way too many arguments for my taste :( and they get so frustrating that I feel hopeless in trying to find common ground within them and its tearing me apart because each argument is an unsolved reoccurring entity that will arise over and over until the whatever pattern is causing this horrible mis-communication is revealed and settled in the proper fashion.
I've been smoking passionflower recently and it has been wonderful during this time in my life. The essence of it is designed to promote a calming of the mind and muscles so you can see why it has been a great ally to me as of late. I know I need to relax and realign with my own harmony if I hope to get through this ashen time and/or solve anything within my life. I see the emotions I've kept hidden or tried to keep in check or act like I wasn't feeling becoming more and more apparent. Things like resentment and jealousy and anger, all for their own reasons and such. I know I'm in need of healing, I feel my wings tickling my shoulder blades to remind me that they are there. I'm also feeling like I need to detox my body physically.
So yeah...really I guess the statement earlier that I don't know whats going on isn't all together true lol Granted I don't understand all of it as it arises but I suppose I understand enough of it to grasp what I'm going through and a general idea of what I need to do. That's all I can ask for really and I'm grateful for that much <3
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
In Such Reverence
My desire for religion
Is my desire to express
my love of God
That which tones in
Everything
Like a lotus unfolding
Does it wish to express the
beauty of the soil from
which it grows?
As I am in efflorescence
the patterns that I am born
from, this is the way of
God, that which my affection
holds close
For every particle of mud
For every shape of bud
For ever shade of blossom
That, which I adore
So the world will be my temple
and so my religion will be
Art, and as my existence
resounds, so too the passion
of my heart
Is my desire to express
my love of God
That which tones in
Everything
Like a lotus unfolding
Does it wish to express the
beauty of the soil from
which it grows?
As I am in efflorescence
the patterns that I am born
from, this is the way of
God, that which my affection
holds close
For every particle of mud
For every shape of bud
For ever shade of blossom
That, which I adore
So the world will be my temple
and so my religion will be
Art, and as my existence
resounds, so too the passion
of my heart
Saturday, May 11, 2013
The Call of Balance within Chaos
I feel like I tend to get excited and impatient especially when writing my blog...sometimes. I have ideas and I feel like I'm rushing to get them out and then in the middle of them I get so hyped that I end up skipping over details that were of key importance when I first viewed them in my minds space. I feel that I could benefit from the putting some focus into embodying the grace of balance, of concentration, of taking the time to be even more thoughtful within my movements both physically and within the metaphysical attributes. To learn to put this into daily practice.
Perhaps I can practice this by putting more effort into detail? Oh yes, I remember this line of thinking from when I became interested in the Mandala, the art of an unfolding interweaving design connected by a unified center. I feel that myself is begging for me to find my way within this idea as it applies to the unfolding of my life. There is so much going on within me, so many emotions felt simultaneously, so many dreams in active within my lives and so much more to be discovered. I find myself at once all of content, of pain and sadness, and of bliss. The axis of my core perceives all of these things as I feel them not one by way or one or another at intervals but yes, as I said, simultaneously even as they seem to be conflicting. Reality is Chaos, but Chaos can also be within balance. This, I firmly believe.
Frustration befalls me, dew springs from my heart through the passage of my eyes that peer upon my world and wonders...What is going on with me? What am I doing with myself? With so many ways to go and so many things I want to do and even with all that I've perhaps "figured out" I still...feel called into...something. It could be the feeling of of wanting to ground these understandings, to put them into practical use within my life. I have this feeling of...not knowing how to do...something...something that is important to me...
Another thing, actually I remember that I wanted to mention is that I notice myself being drawn to religious or disciplinary practices. I recently watched Life of Pi (which is an AMAZING movie by the way, highly reccomended) and this desire was sparked in watching what I suppose is an Indian form of praise dancing? Perhaps sacred dance? I'm not certain of it's name and will have to look it up but it also reminds me of the video which I posted firsthand at the beginning of this blog. It is, in basis, the art of emulating nature to express it's beauty through bodily movement. In the movie the dance instructor at one time speaks sternly to the dancers stressing that they must concentrate to fully express thier love of God...this very much so intrigued me, plucking at a tone on my heart string. As I have spoken a bit about before my perception of God is that it is is Energy, the source of all creation in that energy is all that exists and therefore God is the universe and is expressed within all things as we are created of it. Therefore I think of expressing the love of God as expressing my love for the sacredness of all things within existence, to express the love of the living patterns that make the art of all things...There is an intensely euphoric feeling in this act and in feeling my connection to this; it is a feeling of...serenity, of...divinity that fills my being with an essence of beauty that is for me at this time impossible to describe, the words aforementioned in detail of it being the closest thing to it that I can imagine. It is this level of beauty that I have sought to embody all my life. This beauty that I so love..."Love", and what does that mean to me? After many long years of observation and contemplation I have surmised this: Love is the feeling of acceptance and embracing in wholeness that which one is connected to. Just as I love my lover because we have chosen to accept each other and embrace our relationship through the turning of our lives, through the sunshines and storms of cycling existence. One can now imagine what I mean by Unconditional love, as I have mentioned before. This meaning I have also sought for the truth of all my life, now here, has been satisfied.
Wow...the articulation of this feels amazing.
I am feeling that this post has reached it's comma until a later time. I feel...satisfied with this :) I remember now, there's nothing like a good session of just letting your thoughts flow.You never know where you're gonna end up when you start writing but, you start somewhere and take your time with patience, you listen to what you feel let the words come in, you look over it all and perhaps make some edits and new editions so that when you get to the end and, find yourself exactly where you wanted to be in the way you wanted to be it. Such as it is in life.It always fills me with bliss to sort out my feelings and paint them with appropriate coloring. A poem is on it's way also for anyone that wants to tune into that next post. Again, thank you, for sharing this moment with me. Namaste Inlakech <3
Thursday, May 9, 2013
The scent of Blossoming
Its been about 6 days since my last post and uh... contrary to my original plan I didn't get my manual journal writing done lol Though ambition was not lost on laziness, actually I've been quite busy...erm...in a sense. Mostly I've been hanging out with my friends and just...living. In between that I hardly picked up my pen but the journey into my heart has not halted one bit. More so I feel like I've been seeing the result of this in my actions and decisions and though processes.
Alright so here's a pretty significant leap I've made so far in opening up, embracing myself and unveiling my true nature...
Chilling with friends....Naked O.o YES! Completely nude just playin card games, rock band, drinking the spirits and having a good time! It was about 8 of us, 4 girls 4 guys even and it all started when we were playing drinking games. one of my friends who had to drive home then decided that he was just gonna play for clothes instead of shots and so...needless to say he was the first baring all. After that it rather started this chain reaction of clothes coming off XD The guys were all free about it but you know...us girls and our modesty. Though honestly...I wanted to be naked. I sat there in a bikini top and a skirt for a while, talking about my other friends who wouldnt even take thier tops off when my Beloved shoots me one of his challenging jeers "Kurai, you're talking alot of shit through alot of cotton." Naturally, my mouth shot open wide with offense. He goes on to say "All I'm sayin is that's too much talk while you're being half an example."
My lips pursed in silent retaliation. I had rationalized that I wasn't taken off anything else until someone started showing off some skin with me! I mean girl power you know? Right? Be with me! But...I couldn't deny...that he was right. In truth, I had hardly taken off anything. The bikini top and skirt is kind of an everyday thing for me as I dont like wearing much clothing if I dont have to. So...after some time of consideration and a serious FUCK IT moment, I took it all off. The top, the bottoms... I decided that If I wanted to bring out anything in anyone else I must first embody it myself! (No pun intended). If I wanted to really set an example should really go for it. No shame, no holding back ; and so there it was, out there, me, Young human female body in the RAW! When Everyone noticed there were gasps and laughs and welcoming into team naked :)
Now, you might think that one would need to be eased into this new level of being revealed after living in a world where its not exactly normal to chill with your friends naked and your not in a nudist colony right? But, oddly, I felt no apprehension about it whatsoever. One could ask themselves if it was the alchohal but...baring all honesty...I'd be all for it again anytime. It was such a freeing experience, just being all naturally out there what would usually be hidden of me, just hanging out comfortably with my friends. I painted my nails :D we joked around...then one by one the other girls decided to take it have way and bare chests. And yes...we touched each others breasts XD Actually everyone touched like everyone in some way at some point though, and this may be surprising but, this story does not end up in a hot and steamy orgy. Nope. Just wholesome naked friendly fun.
It was amazing. I felt natural and wonderful and sweet. I draped my netted scarf over me and rubbed my friends back and played in their hair and all I could think about was how we were all such beautiful Gods and Goddesses lounging about each other. It was simply wonderful.
(On a related note here is an article that made its way to my news feed on facebook about the health benefits of being Naked :) http://immortallife.info/articles/entry/nudity-provides-health-benefits-for-your-body-and-brain)
Now uhm, lets see...whaaaat else...ah! This is profound time.*Shakes head slowly* I shall make this transition by introducing a poem. <3
Tears of Phoenix
The dew of the expanding reservoir
overfills at morning light
and streams as the life force
rising from the inner well
to the heaven of minds sight
falling from the gates
into the physical world
ashes wash away as they
cross the scorching shores
the remains of needs lost
of patterns transformed
The cycle of my living and dying continues. As I reach deeper into myself, observing, accepting, remembering what I believe in and who I am, I can see myself being pulled from the overbearing darkness of tension and fear, of apprehension and resistance. The light of me is filled with love, understanding and acceptance. I wish this blessing upon others, and I uphold it within myself. I realized that I can choose to not lose myself in sadness, in fear, in judgment. I feel these things at times yes, I have the thoughts cross the vision of my mind but they are not me. I have a choice as to what I hold within me and what I let effect me. It is true that it can be hard to maintain ones joy in the world as we live in today, amongst the frustration that tends to come with finding ourselves and dealing with inner drama let alone the mundane and the tension that can arise between the interactions of the people around us. Yes, its hard...but, I want to be an example. No...better yet...I want to be an inspiration, much like the whole thing with me baring all before my friends. If I can hope for anyone to see past all the negative that challenges us on this wheel of life and learn to live in the positive with, if not love, at least understanding and acceptance then I will uphold this to the best of my ability.My heart is strong, it had led me through the searing heartaches of my own life to this blessed place of consciousness in which I dwell today and embrace ever deeper with each moment and so, I believe in that strength.
Just yesterday I had a friend visit that I haven't seen for quite some time. We had a very emotional talk, the details of which I hold personally. This talk made me realize alot...among these realizations this: It's so easy to judge people by how they appear, even by what they project. In protecting ourselves and not wanting to be fooled and taken advantage of we've become so quick to judge and fight every thing that seems to be wrong, unfair, senseless in thier actions. Not to say that one should just allow everything but...to resist to the point of distancing ones self so much that there is no room for expressing compassion? for considering the plight of another? So much as to lose respect for all the SHIT they've made it through as best they could just like we all have? When people fall short in your eyes...it's because you feel like you're above them whether you want to admit it or not. As one who views all as equals you find the reasonable boundaries without pushing feelings of empathy to the way side and viewing everything from the guideline of JUST your feelings and how how it just affects/effects YOU.
We're all here in this wheel of life you know? We all have our myriad of expression and ways of beings. Acceptance is about looking at whats real, that we're all individuals with individual experiences and trials of pain and moments of flaw. We all have our skills and our quirks. Hardly anything is "normal" you know? There is much more to be experienced than what is expected and theres nothing to be done about that. everythings not always gonna be how we imagine or want it, everyone is not going to conform to our views or grow as fast or in the way we want. And thats just fucking okay. I'm using really strong language because GODDAMMIT thats how I feel like expressing myself in this moment and THATS OKAY!
Some key themes for myself this weak have been:
Alright so here's a pretty significant leap I've made so far in opening up, embracing myself and unveiling my true nature...
Chilling with friends....Naked O.o YES! Completely nude just playin card games, rock band, drinking the spirits and having a good time! It was about 8 of us, 4 girls 4 guys even and it all started when we were playing drinking games. one of my friends who had to drive home then decided that he was just gonna play for clothes instead of shots and so...needless to say he was the first baring all. After that it rather started this chain reaction of clothes coming off XD The guys were all free about it but you know...us girls and our modesty. Though honestly...I wanted to be naked. I sat there in a bikini top and a skirt for a while, talking about my other friends who wouldnt even take thier tops off when my Beloved shoots me one of his challenging jeers "Kurai, you're talking alot of shit through alot of cotton." Naturally, my mouth shot open wide with offense. He goes on to say "All I'm sayin is that's too much talk while you're being half an example."
My lips pursed in silent retaliation. I had rationalized that I wasn't taken off anything else until someone started showing off some skin with me! I mean girl power you know? Right? Be with me! But...I couldn't deny...that he was right. In truth, I had hardly taken off anything. The bikini top and skirt is kind of an everyday thing for me as I dont like wearing much clothing if I dont have to. So...after some time of consideration and a serious FUCK IT moment, I took it all off. The top, the bottoms... I decided that If I wanted to bring out anything in anyone else I must first embody it myself! (No pun intended). If I wanted to really set an example should really go for it. No shame, no holding back ; and so there it was, out there, me, Young human female body in the RAW! When Everyone noticed there were gasps and laughs and welcoming into team naked :)
Now, you might think that one would need to be eased into this new level of being revealed after living in a world where its not exactly normal to chill with your friends naked and your not in a nudist colony right? But, oddly, I felt no apprehension about it whatsoever. One could ask themselves if it was the alchohal but...baring all honesty...I'd be all for it again anytime. It was such a freeing experience, just being all naturally out there what would usually be hidden of me, just hanging out comfortably with my friends. I painted my nails :D we joked around...then one by one the other girls decided to take it have way and bare chests. And yes...we touched each others breasts XD Actually everyone touched like everyone in some way at some point though, and this may be surprising but, this story does not end up in a hot and steamy orgy. Nope. Just wholesome naked friendly fun.
It was amazing. I felt natural and wonderful and sweet. I draped my netted scarf over me and rubbed my friends back and played in their hair and all I could think about was how we were all such beautiful Gods and Goddesses lounging about each other. It was simply wonderful.
(On a related note here is an article that made its way to my news feed on facebook about the health benefits of being Naked :) http://immortallife.info/articles/entry/nudity-provides-health-benefits-for-your-body-and-brain)
Now uhm, lets see...whaaaat else...ah! This is profound time.*Shakes head slowly* I shall make this transition by introducing a poem. <3
Tears of Phoenix
The dew of the expanding reservoir
overfills at morning light
and streams as the life force
rising from the inner well
to the heaven of minds sight
falling from the gates
into the physical world
ashes wash away as they
cross the scorching shores
the remains of needs lost
of patterns transformed
The cycle of my living and dying continues. As I reach deeper into myself, observing, accepting, remembering what I believe in and who I am, I can see myself being pulled from the overbearing darkness of tension and fear, of apprehension and resistance. The light of me is filled with love, understanding and acceptance. I wish this blessing upon others, and I uphold it within myself. I realized that I can choose to not lose myself in sadness, in fear, in judgment. I feel these things at times yes, I have the thoughts cross the vision of my mind but they are not me. I have a choice as to what I hold within me and what I let effect me. It is true that it can be hard to maintain ones joy in the world as we live in today, amongst the frustration that tends to come with finding ourselves and dealing with inner drama let alone the mundane and the tension that can arise between the interactions of the people around us. Yes, its hard...but, I want to be an example. No...better yet...I want to be an inspiration, much like the whole thing with me baring all before my friends. If I can hope for anyone to see past all the negative that challenges us on this wheel of life and learn to live in the positive with, if not love, at least understanding and acceptance then I will uphold this to the best of my ability.My heart is strong, it had led me through the searing heartaches of my own life to this blessed place of consciousness in which I dwell today and embrace ever deeper with each moment and so, I believe in that strength.
Just yesterday I had a friend visit that I haven't seen for quite some time. We had a very emotional talk, the details of which I hold personally. This talk made me realize alot...among these realizations this: It's so easy to judge people by how they appear, even by what they project. In protecting ourselves and not wanting to be fooled and taken advantage of we've become so quick to judge and fight every thing that seems to be wrong, unfair, senseless in thier actions. Not to say that one should just allow everything but...to resist to the point of distancing ones self so much that there is no room for expressing compassion? for considering the plight of another? So much as to lose respect for all the SHIT they've made it through as best they could just like we all have? When people fall short in your eyes...it's because you feel like you're above them whether you want to admit it or not. As one who views all as equals you find the reasonable boundaries without pushing feelings of empathy to the way side and viewing everything from the guideline of JUST your feelings and how how it just affects/effects YOU.
We're all here in this wheel of life you know? We all have our myriad of expression and ways of beings. Acceptance is about looking at whats real, that we're all individuals with individual experiences and trials of pain and moments of flaw. We all have our skills and our quirks. Hardly anything is "normal" you know? There is much more to be experienced than what is expected and theres nothing to be done about that. everythings not always gonna be how we imagine or want it, everyone is not going to conform to our views or grow as fast or in the way we want. And thats just fucking okay. I'm using really strong language because GODDAMMIT thats how I feel like expressing myself in this moment and THATS OKAY!
Some key themes for myself this weak have been:
- Standing in my own beliefs
- Embodying in full what I believe
- Accepting the truth of myself and others
- Embracing my experience of life to the fullest
- Healing old wounds
- Releasing disharmonious habits
I feel like there was so much more to write but...perhaps this is enough for now :) Basically I'm just living me.I look forward to coming back with more poetries and hopefully better articulations of my profound journey of self as I observe the world! (Yeah, I'm really nerding it up over here, go ahead and laugh...seriously...get a good one going or at least a smile :D XD)
As a proper ending I'd like to leave this video that was shared to me that I really resonate with. Its starts out by painting the picture of 3 fish in the sea, an old fish swims by and says "Morning boys, enjoy the water?" and when he leaves, one kid looks at the other and says "What the Hell is water?" The theme of it really ties into what I was talking about when it comes to getting frustrated in every day life and how it can be so easy to judge people when we dont think about what thier lives are like and what they have to deal with . Its about awareness...how some of the most important things that drive our existence are the hardest to see even though their right in front of our faces, even though we swim in it every day.
I hope you'll check it out and enjoy. In any case, love and blessings. Sincerely yours <3
Friday, May 3, 2013
Relax, Accept, Focus
5/3/2013
After deciding to focus on journeying into my heart to open it and receive the truth of my whole multidimensional self I had a dream. I don't remember all of what happened before this moment in the dream that I am about to recount but I feel that this moment is very important because I feel that it has something to do with moving through thresholds of awareness. I've had moments in my dreams like this before and it was very reassuring that I had this one because it means that I am focused in the right direction.
I was at my grandmothers house standing in the kitchen by the laundry room door. There wasn't much lighting so the atmosphere was dim. I was just standing there when I thought "Remember, we wanted to focus." (though looking back on it it was more so a feeling than a thought in words.) So, I was like, right...and closed my eyes so that I could fall into a meditative state. This seemed to happen rather quickly and soon I felt like I was shifting out of the shape of my body. Though I was still aware of my body standing still, I felt that my being was more like a blob of shifting abstract space. When I felt the top of me shifting out of the mold of my physical face I started to get scared and panic (for some reason I have this weird fear of losing my facial structure and not being able to see through my eyes :/) Then I though "No, relax. This is okay, we've felt this before remember? Just focus, let things flow naturally, smoothly." Imagine the expression of a nod as this is what I felt like as I acknowledged this thought. "Right," I remembered "seeing in a different way doesn't mean I have to be frightened. Embrace it."As I thought this my awareness started to open up, I started to see the kitchen again though I had no eyes to open, and I could feel myself expanding kind of like I was leaking out of my physical body into the atmosphere.
Then, I was no longer in the kitchen, things were dark again like when I had first closed my eyes only this wasn't complete darkness. Noticeable there were specks of color everywhere in this darkness. (It brings to mind the image of space). I'm not sure but I feel like this area has something to do with my conscious mind space. It's like a viewing area for incoming images. After becoming aware that I was in this place I saw something starting to form. I became excited "Oh my God! I'm seeing something!" I was elated to be in this place again, viewing something "out of the norm", something that was possibly cosmically awesome or had some clue as to my inter dimensional expressions or some secrets of the universe finally unveiled for me to see! I reminded myself again to stay calm and focus. I didn't want my excitement to interfere with the vision unfolding.
I start to see the image of a hand form out of pink particles of energy. It was a left hand, the fingers long and slender with mature definition. It was holding a pen a pen, it was writing something. I became excited again seeing the image come to form, but somewhere around the wrist the idea seemed to shock me that this hand could turn into a whole body and that I could be frightened by this embodied image. Instantly I knew that this fear would cause the image to slip away as prior experience in these types of dreams has taught me that is this realm of reality the cause and effect of thought and emotions is instantaneous, the truth of what you feel will show in the way the environment reacts to you. Not being able to help myself I panicked, not even at the thought of the image but at the idea of losing the image before I had really begun to see anything, all the while thinking "No, no, no, don't be scared, focus, calm down, hold it!" but it was already too late, the image slipped away quickly like a receding tide.
I sighed, disappointed but not discouraged. "At least, I made it here. Now, I just have to remember how I got here and try this again.Hold focus next time..." I recalled having this thought the last time I had a dream like this, and the same when I had fallen into this meditative state and received that message from one of my Selves that I didn't hear the end of, the one where she told me to stay strong and show my true...whatever she was going to say after that. And just like those times I awake just after becoming aware that I had hopelessly lost my focus.
Slipping into this state initially feels like that moment just when you realize that you are slipping into a deep sleep. You feel yourself embraced by calm and you surrender to slipping away into this blissful state. I couldn't say how you become conscious after entering this threshold. Perhaps it was my will and intention to focus on being conscious in my dreaming before going to sleep, my want to experience more while I'm asleep that allowed me to wake within these dreams. I believe that must be it.
I really want to explore this experience more. I have had experiences like this on and off but I would like to expand my awareness with more constancy. My greatest struggle in this is learning to relax, focus and release the fear that always pulls me away from these enlightening moments. I've decided that as a part of this determination that I will write daily about my experiences within and take my journal with me when I go outside for my meditation sessions so that I can record how I feel and my progress.
The opening of my heart and the welcoming of my selves into myself must be done through a medium that speaks to who I am and the way that I naturally express my self. What does this mean? It's time to get earnest about writing as I journey into my heart space!
After deciding to focus on journeying into my heart to open it and receive the truth of my whole multidimensional self I had a dream. I don't remember all of what happened before this moment in the dream that I am about to recount but I feel that this moment is very important because I feel that it has something to do with moving through thresholds of awareness. I've had moments in my dreams like this before and it was very reassuring that I had this one because it means that I am focused in the right direction.
I was at my grandmothers house standing in the kitchen by the laundry room door. There wasn't much lighting so the atmosphere was dim. I was just standing there when I thought "Remember, we wanted to focus." (though looking back on it it was more so a feeling than a thought in words.) So, I was like, right...and closed my eyes so that I could fall into a meditative state. This seemed to happen rather quickly and soon I felt like I was shifting out of the shape of my body. Though I was still aware of my body standing still, I felt that my being was more like a blob of shifting abstract space. When I felt the top of me shifting out of the mold of my physical face I started to get scared and panic (for some reason I have this weird fear of losing my facial structure and not being able to see through my eyes :/) Then I though "No, relax. This is okay, we've felt this before remember? Just focus, let things flow naturally, smoothly." Imagine the expression of a nod as this is what I felt like as I acknowledged this thought. "Right," I remembered "seeing in a different way doesn't mean I have to be frightened. Embrace it."As I thought this my awareness started to open up, I started to see the kitchen again though I had no eyes to open, and I could feel myself expanding kind of like I was leaking out of my physical body into the atmosphere.
Then, I was no longer in the kitchen, things were dark again like when I had first closed my eyes only this wasn't complete darkness. Noticeable there were specks of color everywhere in this darkness. (It brings to mind the image of space). I'm not sure but I feel like this area has something to do with my conscious mind space. It's like a viewing area for incoming images. After becoming aware that I was in this place I saw something starting to form. I became excited "Oh my God! I'm seeing something!" I was elated to be in this place again, viewing something "out of the norm", something that was possibly cosmically awesome or had some clue as to my inter dimensional expressions or some secrets of the universe finally unveiled for me to see! I reminded myself again to stay calm and focus. I didn't want my excitement to interfere with the vision unfolding.
I start to see the image of a hand form out of pink particles of energy. It was a left hand, the fingers long and slender with mature definition. It was holding a pen a pen, it was writing something. I became excited again seeing the image come to form, but somewhere around the wrist the idea seemed to shock me that this hand could turn into a whole body and that I could be frightened by this embodied image. Instantly I knew that this fear would cause the image to slip away as prior experience in these types of dreams has taught me that is this realm of reality the cause and effect of thought and emotions is instantaneous, the truth of what you feel will show in the way the environment reacts to you. Not being able to help myself I panicked, not even at the thought of the image but at the idea of losing the image before I had really begun to see anything, all the while thinking "No, no, no, don't be scared, focus, calm down, hold it!" but it was already too late, the image slipped away quickly like a receding tide.
I sighed, disappointed but not discouraged. "At least, I made it here. Now, I just have to remember how I got here and try this again.Hold focus next time..." I recalled having this thought the last time I had a dream like this, and the same when I had fallen into this meditative state and received that message from one of my Selves that I didn't hear the end of, the one where she told me to stay strong and show my true...whatever she was going to say after that. And just like those times I awake just after becoming aware that I had hopelessly lost my focus.
Slipping into this state initially feels like that moment just when you realize that you are slipping into a deep sleep. You feel yourself embraced by calm and you surrender to slipping away into this blissful state. I couldn't say how you become conscious after entering this threshold. Perhaps it was my will and intention to focus on being conscious in my dreaming before going to sleep, my want to experience more while I'm asleep that allowed me to wake within these dreams. I believe that must be it.
I really want to explore this experience more. I have had experiences like this on and off but I would like to expand my awareness with more constancy. My greatest struggle in this is learning to relax, focus and release the fear that always pulls me away from these enlightening moments. I've decided that as a part of this determination that I will write daily about my experiences within and take my journal with me when I go outside for my meditation sessions so that I can record how I feel and my progress.
The opening of my heart and the welcoming of my selves into myself must be done through a medium that speaks to who I am and the way that I naturally express my self. What does this mean? It's time to get earnest about writing as I journey into my heart space!
I can feel myself opening up
becoming more accepting of all
beings and all experience
It is a discipline to be able to
see past and move through such
muddy emotions that apprehension
and resistance are born from
I want more, I can do better
I am willing to reach out
I am willing to speak
May all the forces of the universe
be with me as I make this journey
on Earth to embrace my true nature
<3
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Passage to my Selves
Since I started this blog I've been sitting at the computer and writing these thoughts straight to my blog. Though I also have a personal journal at home that I have been slacking in writing in. I've decided that I should spend more time in intimate space with myself and my pen as writing has always been my medium for bringing myself forward. This inspiration came to me after reading some posts from one of my favorite blogs: Awakening with Suzanne Lie. This post is taken from my writings during and after my afternoon meditation.
5/2/2013
Let this be a new chapter. I wish to be full. I open myself to the resonance of my selves May the Light shine through the fears that surround my heart and release me from the darkness of separation. The light is me.
Why am I wondering of Me
when I am right here
I see now how my spirit
Is born of the love of many
I tread this path
on silky galaxies
my footsteps placed
at many many lengths
It is my greatest anticipation
to be unveiled
stripped into nakedness
before myself
I am on a journey of SELF in service to all that I love.
Getting past the feelings of being wrong, of not being good enough, in general inadequacy
I don't need to validate myself, myself is valid
I look inward to face the truth beyond my apprehensions
I am strong, I am capable, myself is with me, I am safe
I am not lost, I am here
To be Multidimensional....
Somehow the feeling that I am both human and other things eluded me for so long because from my perception I thought that there was a choice, that one answer was right and one was wrong. I viewed my selves as separate and yet I wondered why the answer felt so far out of my grasp.
Well, I am beyond tired of struggling in this illusion. I am sticking my feet in the waters of wholeness and praying and trusting that as I tread my fears and doubts will be washed away, step by step.
In my wanting to be precise and pay proper respect to individual truth I struggled between wanting to claim things and not knowing what I had a right to claim (about myself). I have a terrible habit of over thinking things...it is one of my most difficult attributes to see past when I am working on my spiritual, mental, emotional self. Why would I not have a right to claim myself? Because I feel that I have not earned the attributes about myself that I imagine? Because I am afraid that my other dimensional selves prefer to be acknowledged as separate? Because I am afraid that we are separate or will be separated and that I will not be able to share experiences with them? That my concious earth being will be left alone in isolation from a mystical multi dimensional world? Wow...yes...all of that.
I am human, and I also exist other places. My spirit, my personal expression is a piece beside many pieces and of grander pieces of myself and all that exists. I feel that this is true.
I feel like this has been one of my greatest struggles...articulating and trying to move past these feelings of separation, of feeling that I've been missing out on so much of me. Sometimes I would close up and make exuses for why I felt this way and what it really meant and feel terrible as I started to deny my connection to all the ideas and magical imaginings that i felt were a part of me. Out of my fear of being wrong because my experiences have yet to become as clear, extensive, reoccurring or vivid as others.
I see now how petty emotions have blocked my vision. Now, I am breathing and releasing.
~~~~
I recall many voices over my time of awakening becoming clear enough for me to hear. In my times of doubt and fear there were dark beings saying not so nice things, and in my times of meditation, calm, joy I could hear the voices of those who I refer to as my family, encouraging words the would speak like reminders to Believe, speakings of love, reminders of who I am. I remember once a sweet voice saying to me "You're a very sensitive being Kurai,don't resist." and on one occasion of meditation there were many voices that seemed to be singing and cheering me on saying things like "It's time to wake up" "If anyone can do it you can" "We love you" "We believe in you." I cried this day, my heart overfilling with what I could only describe as unconditional love.
Memories of those voices, melodies, messages are of my fondest. Stories that I have painfully pushed away in suspicion and doubt for longer than I can stand any longer. I see now that my reality has many axis. That my truth depends on the decisions I make and that what I can perceive of this is what I can resonate with at the time. With this understanding I no longer need to doubt my beautifully (un)believable experiences. This makes me very happy, for obvious reason.
When I am in fear, I am blinded
When I am in my heart I know
that I attract what I hold inside
I choose truth and Love
<3
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Settling Into my Life
I feel like my blog looks silly...I don't know. Perhaps that is only my worry that I sound like a deranged lunatic or hyped up hippie with an overactive imagination or something...idk. That fear of others perceiving me as crazy and unreasonable is something I'm still shaking off. Sometimes I still get caught up in worrying what other people think because of my want to connect and relate to people. But of course, taking a lesson from my last posts I realize that the whole goal of this blog was to express my true self, nothing more or less.
So...moving on from that...I've been feeling really drained the last couple of days. Maybe it's all my personal reflection? These things I write about, I wonder if they sound like I've just GOT it like the realization was so easy or even fully held within my understanding but things tend to be articulated in words that one has yet to feel the truth of which means that there is a journey in between of figuring out how to transform such knowledge into wisdom.
I've been playing out in my head every weird experience, every voice and message that has left me wondering who I am, whos talking to me and where I'm from, trying to put pieces together. My fear is that my ever wanting to belong has led me to falling into some illusion rather than just feeling called to something. That my experiences are all of my own making with no such interesting story behind them as being communicated with from other dimensions or selves.
Though I see many people going through such odd things during this time that I still believe is a period of Awakening for many of us and many having just as much awkwardness and the same fears in articulating this as I do.
I sunk into a very contemplative mood yesterday and have been rather riding that vibe ever since. After feeling my need to label myself as an Earthling or otherwise some other species from some other place drop into the pit "unecessary things" I stepped into overview of the situation. I then realized that my angst in wondering of this truth that stemmed from my desire to find the reasons why I am unique. This desire can cause one to seek such validation by separating themselves from the majority. So I didn't want to be on Earth and be "human" as was typical. I wanted the truth to be that I find out that I'm from some other world. Proof of how different I am. This wanting causes anxiousness and the fear of the truth not being what one wants.
I'm content now with the idea that I will find my answers one day. Freely I imagine how my story would play out either way. I am content with and grateful for the supernatural occurances in my life that have made my life the magical adventure I've always wanted eventhough they often leave me confused and wondering of things that I cannot yet know. I am happy to be experiencing all that I am going through on my journey of life and with watching my life unfold. I wonder what abilities I posses...what it is that makes me unique as an individual. I suppose I'll find out over time. Right now, I am happy experiencing everything as it is to the fullest <3
So...moving on from that...I've been feeling really drained the last couple of days. Maybe it's all my personal reflection? These things I write about, I wonder if they sound like I've just GOT it like the realization was so easy or even fully held within my understanding but things tend to be articulated in words that one has yet to feel the truth of which means that there is a journey in between of figuring out how to transform such knowledge into wisdom.
I've been playing out in my head every weird experience, every voice and message that has left me wondering who I am, whos talking to me and where I'm from, trying to put pieces together. My fear is that my ever wanting to belong has led me to falling into some illusion rather than just feeling called to something. That my experiences are all of my own making with no such interesting story behind them as being communicated with from other dimensions or selves.
Though I see many people going through such odd things during this time that I still believe is a period of Awakening for many of us and many having just as much awkwardness and the same fears in articulating this as I do.
I sunk into a very contemplative mood yesterday and have been rather riding that vibe ever since. After feeling my need to label myself as an Earthling or otherwise some other species from some other place drop into the pit "unecessary things" I stepped into overview of the situation. I then realized that my angst in wondering of this truth that stemmed from my desire to find the reasons why I am unique. This desire can cause one to seek such validation by separating themselves from the majority. So I didn't want to be on Earth and be "human" as was typical. I wanted the truth to be that I find out that I'm from some other world. Proof of how different I am. This wanting causes anxiousness and the fear of the truth not being what one wants.
I'm content now with the idea that I will find my answers one day. Freely I imagine how my story would play out either way. I am content with and grateful for the supernatural occurances in my life that have made my life the magical adventure I've always wanted eventhough they often leave me confused and wondering of things that I cannot yet know. I am happy to be experiencing all that I am going through on my journey of life and with watching my life unfold. I wonder what abilities I posses...what it is that makes me unique as an individual. I suppose I'll find out over time. Right now, I am happy experiencing everything as it is to the fullest <3
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