Passage to my Selves

Since I started this blog I've been sitting at the computer and writing these thoughts straight to my blog. Though I also have a personal journal at home that I have been slacking in writing in. I've decided that I should spend more time in intimate space with myself and my pen as writing has always been my medium for bringing myself forward. This inspiration came to me after reading some posts from one of my favorite blogs: Awakening with Suzanne Lie. This post is taken from my writings during and after my afternoon meditation.

5/2/2013

Let this be a new chapter. I wish to be full. I open myself to the resonance of my selves  May the Light shine through the fears that surround my heart and release me from the darkness of separation. The light is me.

Why am I wondering of Me

when I am right here

I see now how my spirit

Is born of the love of many

I tread this path

on silky galaxies

my footsteps placed

at many many lengths

It is my greatest anticipation

to be unveiled

stripped into nakedness

before myself

I am on a journey of SELF in service to all that I love.

Getting past the feelings of being wrong, of not being good enough, in general inadequacy

I don't need to validate myself, myself is valid

I look inward to face the truth beyond my apprehensions

I am strong, I am capable, myself is with me, I am safe

I am not lost, I am here

To be Multidimensional....

Somehow the feeling that I am both human and other things eluded me for so long because from my perception I thought that there was a choice, that one answer was right and one was wrong. I viewed my selves as separate and yet I wondered why the answer felt so far out of my grasp.

Well, I am beyond tired of struggling in this illusion. I am sticking my feet in the waters of wholeness and praying and trusting that as I tread my fears and doubts will be washed away, step by step.

In my wanting to be precise and pay proper respect to individual truth I struggled between wanting to claim things and not knowing what I had a right to claim (about myself).  I have a terrible habit of over thinking things...it is one of my most difficult attributes to see past when I am working on my spiritual, mental, emotional self. Why would I not have a right to claim myself? Because I feel that I have not earned the attributes about myself that I imagine? Because I am afraid that my other dimensional selves prefer to be acknowledged as separate? Because I am afraid that we are separate or will be separated and that I will not be able to share experiences with them? That my concious earth being will be left alone in isolation from a mystical multi dimensional world? Wow...yes...all of that.

I am human, and I also exist other places. My spirit, my personal expression is a piece beside many pieces and of grander pieces of myself and all that exists. I feel that this is true.

I feel like this has been one of my greatest struggles...articulating and trying to move past these feelings of separation, of feeling that I've been missing out on so much of me. Sometimes I would close up and make exuses for why I felt this way and what it really meant  and feel terrible as I started to deny my connection to all the ideas and magical imaginings that i felt were a part of me. Out of my fear of being wrong because my experiences have yet to become as clear, extensive, reoccurring or vivid as others.

I see now how petty emotions have blocked my vision. Now, I am breathing and releasing.

~~~~

I recall many voices over my time of awakening becoming clear enough for me to hear. In my times of doubt and fear there were dark beings saying not so nice things, and in my times of meditation, calm, joy I could hear the voices of those who I refer to as my family, encouraging words the would speak like reminders to Believe, speakings of love, reminders of who I am. I remember once a sweet voice saying to me "You're a very sensitive being Kurai,don't resist." and on one occasion of meditation there were many voices that seemed to be singing and cheering me on saying things like "It's time to wake up" "If anyone can do it you can" "We love you" "We believe in you." I cried this day, my heart overfilling with what I could only describe as unconditional love.

Memories of those voices, melodies, messages are of my fondest. Stories that I have painfully pushed away in suspicion and doubt for longer than I can stand any longer. I see now that my reality has many axis. That my truth depends on the decisions I make and that what I can perceive of this is what I can resonate with at the time.  With this understanding I no longer need to doubt my beautifully (un)believable experiences. This makes me very happy, for obvious reason. 

When I am in fear, I am blinded

When I am in my heart I know

that I attract what I hold inside

I choose truth and Love

<3