I feel like I should always write a reflection after I've written a post about an issue while in the emotions of it, I feel like I get so dramatic and I always miss out on things I really wanted to say lol Thats part of the transparency of the disclosure of my life though I suppose. I write as I think for the most part you know...I edit to an extent for spelling and organization and all that stuff.
Anyway, so after all that birthing and cord cutting I feel like I'm stretching out my limbs if you will. Just allowing myself to flow in my thoughts, emotions, and body as I feel is natural. Not condemning myself at every turn for fear of right or wrong or acceptable, but rather I am being thoughtful and patient in the observance of myself, my surrounding and how these things will interact.It feels much like when you exercise after you haven't for a long time, you start to notice the sensation of muscles being stimulated that haven't been for you don't even remember how long. It's that kind of exercise that you put of for fear of the pain that you only realize afterwards was more than worth it for the awesome energy and healthy benefits that you gain (not to mention that ache thats almost a sensual pleasure afterwards >v<)
It's weird looking back on my life sometimes. Thinking about how I had bottled my self up so over time.. I remember when I was trying to meet everyones expectations of me and mourned the shortcomings of my own. I didn't realize I was hushing my own spirit trying to mold myself to fit the view of what is right and worthy of acknowledgment in this upside down illusion that most people refer to as reality on this planet. Now that I'm here, now that I realize that all my thoughts and imaginings and inner issues and feelings actually mean something and effect the way my life unfolds, now that I know that I have the power to change myself and step out of my own boundaries to something more...all I can do is be grateful and amazed that I have made it through so much pain and insanity to be where I am now. Understanding things I had always thought to be too far beyond me, feelings sensations beyond my imagining, BEING myself >w< loving myself and my life to the fullest, growing on a personal level constantly evolving, making genuine connections with other lovely beings...
I am a child of earth and the heavens
the particles of vastness whoms mysteries
are imagined into art to be explored and revered
Who am I? I am me..
That is all that can be described
without limiting me
Why am I here?
To live, to love, to explore
so says the core of me and so
I am abiding
My life unfolding has been strange and often confusing and frustrating. I find myself embarrassed at the words I say as I describe such things that I worry will lead those who read of me to think me insane,even in this new age.
I asked myself this morning, why would I come to such a place as Earth if I was from elsewhere? To help people? To help myself? My first thought is that one of these answers is arrogant and the other too self serving. But beyond such rash judgment that I come to the question of, well? What are you doing now? What have you always been doing?
Observing the world around me, wanting to gain wisdom and understanding, loving, creating and honoring art in all forms, learning about myself and others, searching for the true meaning of the heart and love
These are things that I have always done, beneath all actions and chaotic swirling of life these ideas and inquiries have withstood within my consciousness untainted. This is my nature I suppose...
My personality takes on many shapes considering the type of woman I want to be at the time, I have my ideas of beauty and integrity that ground me, beyond that I am art in motion and I no longer feel the pressure to slow or stop to accommodate expectations of who I am. I am the creator of my doll and the doll herself, a member of the universe that cannot be duplicated or replaced in my unique value. If I am ever to be needed or wanted of myself or to anyone it will be in desire of the truth of said Me, and nothing less. This, I vow to my self for the evers of existence to come....though I have a feeling that I've already made this vow to myself long in times past <3
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
Cutting the Umbilical cord
Yes, I have decided to be born. I find myself here awakening in infancy to the potential of myself. My eyesight is hazy, I wonder from where I came and where I will go... I realize that I am attached to something, it connects me to where I came from, my former home...anxiety befalls me in the thought of being detached from this place as the cord is loomed over by sharp blades.
In the world of Tarot the element of swords or blades refers to the element of air, of the intellectual and conflictual parts of existence.
I have come to face another idea which I must be birthed through. Who am I? Where do I come from?Why is this happening to me?
These questions standing ever in my existence, causing angst and tension cannot stand as such.
Where do I come from? Are people missing me? Are all these voices missing family and friends from other dimensions? My higher self? Am I on a mission? Did I fail my mission? Am I suppose to be here? Who is talking to me? Why are they talking to me? Why don't I remember? What am I suppose to remember?
All these questions are pointless in the face of memories unknown and voices gone unidentified. Many of the voices I hear I believe are myself in some form, perhaps I have heard the voice of a higher dimensional form of myself or friends and family from parallel realities. Those are all quite interesting things that I would love to lose myself in, cling to as concrete. Though the truth is, I cannot be sure. The truth is, I don't know anything about these things and doting on what the answers could be is pointless and harmful to some degree.
My ideas of "Home" I think of as me coming "from" somewhere and my imaginings of what I would be like existing in this place tend to restrain me as I hold on to some hardly formed ideal of what it means to be from that place that I don't know or remember.Perhaps...the place I come "from" doesn't even exist yet and my beautiful memories of another world are my imagining of something that I will and or be a part of creating.
My main point in this lesson to myself is, to stop relying on where I came from to define who I am. The attributes I carry with me now are the structure of my thought form existing in the Now and that is all I need. If there were memories I needed or really wanted or people that I should meet or things I should do I imagine they will arise when necessary and or possible, otherwise my focus should be here, creating myself now.
It's scary...the idea of cutting myself free from the idea of home as being that which defines my reason for being. When you cut the umbilical cord...you're mother is no longer your assured source of nourishment and comfort. Nothing is certain and within ourselves we can feel alone and become lonely and search for something to ground us, something to be apart of when we don't know what to do with ourselves.
I think it is true that Enlightenment means taking full responsibility for ones self. I've made the decision to cut myself away from all restraints to see who I really am and who I want to be and act like when I'm not living for the sake of anything else. Not for my family, not for my friends or even my daughter, not for my country or for my planet or for my home. I put aside everyone meanings and started from 0. Who am I after that?
This is not to say that I don't care about anything because certainly I do and certainly I have my wonderings...I just won't let these things control who I am because I want to be who I envision as my true self, and let my home be determined by that which embraces me from henceforth.
When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. ~ Audre Lorde ~
In the world of Tarot the element of swords or blades refers to the element of air, of the intellectual and conflictual parts of existence.
I have come to face another idea which I must be birthed through. Who am I? Where do I come from?Why is this happening to me?
These questions standing ever in my existence, causing angst and tension cannot stand as such.
Where do I come from? Are people missing me? Are all these voices missing family and friends from other dimensions? My higher self? Am I on a mission? Did I fail my mission? Am I suppose to be here? Who is talking to me? Why are they talking to me? Why don't I remember? What am I suppose to remember?
All these questions are pointless in the face of memories unknown and voices gone unidentified. Many of the voices I hear I believe are myself in some form, perhaps I have heard the voice of a higher dimensional form of myself or friends and family from parallel realities. Those are all quite interesting things that I would love to lose myself in, cling to as concrete. Though the truth is, I cannot be sure. The truth is, I don't know anything about these things and doting on what the answers could be is pointless and harmful to some degree.
My ideas of "Home" I think of as me coming "from" somewhere and my imaginings of what I would be like existing in this place tend to restrain me as I hold on to some hardly formed ideal of what it means to be from that place that I don't know or remember.Perhaps...the place I come "from" doesn't even exist yet and my beautiful memories of another world are my imagining of something that I will and or be a part of creating.
My main point in this lesson to myself is, to stop relying on where I came from to define who I am. The attributes I carry with me now are the structure of my thought form existing in the Now and that is all I need. If there were memories I needed or really wanted or people that I should meet or things I should do I imagine they will arise when necessary and or possible, otherwise my focus should be here, creating myself now.
It's scary...the idea of cutting myself free from the idea of home as being that which defines my reason for being. When you cut the umbilical cord...you're mother is no longer your assured source of nourishment and comfort. Nothing is certain and within ourselves we can feel alone and become lonely and search for something to ground us, something to be apart of when we don't know what to do with ourselves.
I think it is true that Enlightenment means taking full responsibility for ones self. I've made the decision to cut myself away from all restraints to see who I really am and who I want to be and act like when I'm not living for the sake of anything else. Not for my family, not for my friends or even my daughter, not for my country or for my planet or for my home. I put aside everyone meanings and started from 0. Who am I after that?
This is not to say that I don't care about anything because certainly I do and certainly I have my wonderings...I just won't let these things control who I am because I want to be who I envision as my true self, and let my home be determined by that which embraces me from henceforth.
When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. ~ Audre Lorde ~
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Plea for Delivery
It comes down to something very simple.
Something that I have always known.
I've strayed so far from that place it seems
though I know my straying is an illusion
I have always been here, even when my claims
state otherwise. I have only been fighting myself
Struggling between the truth and the lies
I don't want to get caught up, my fear is believing
the wrong side, but in my experience of life
I cannot shy away from what is mine
The way my feet wish to tread and where
my hands seek to grasp I lay unsteady here
on the cusp of understanding
They say that the ways of the heart are
not dependent of reason, in many ways this anthem
tones with freedom. To cut the tension of bondage
on my being, is it okay to to dance in this season?
To embrace a way of opening myself and letting
my feelings for all seep out, to embrace love in its
unconditional form, a part of me that is all but
forgotten
Can I birth myself from uncertainty and break
through these restrictive layers? The fear of change,
of a bleeding heart being taken advantage of again
Perhaps I can wrap my understanding around my
own strength and pick myself up from hopeless
debts, paying forward to what seems safe and
cautious and acknowledge my heart as a competent
compass
What is is it that I truly believe in? I ask of myself,
where is your courage? I don't expect to find myself
here, locked away in this cage of consternation
drowning in questions and rationalizations, whining and
wanting for someone to help me when all along this
song is playing
Ringing, ringing immersed in my concience
On this day I am for whom the bell tolls
The bell tolls for me, calling me home, its resonance
has resounded so long and I have been here
listening all along, waiting for myself to confirm
the note
Shall I lay my cares by the wayside? Toss myself
into this ocean of time...I've trusted the universe with
my life and verily it withstands that it has done me
no wrong, so why not? Why not let myself go? Fall
into giant hands and find my freedom
May my sentiments be my own, that of my
ceaseless knowing soul, from this point carrying
on, I beg of thee, Self, end this needless throe
Deliver me forth upon my shores
That which I am, evermore
Something that I have always known.
I've strayed so far from that place it seems
though I know my straying is an illusion
I have always been here, even when my claims
state otherwise. I have only been fighting myself
Struggling between the truth and the lies
I don't want to get caught up, my fear is believing
the wrong side, but in my experience of life
I cannot shy away from what is mine
The way my feet wish to tread and where
my hands seek to grasp I lay unsteady here
on the cusp of understanding
They say that the ways of the heart are
not dependent of reason, in many ways this anthem
tones with freedom. To cut the tension of bondage
on my being, is it okay to to dance in this season?
To embrace a way of opening myself and letting
my feelings for all seep out, to embrace love in its
unconditional form, a part of me that is all but
forgotten
Can I birth myself from uncertainty and break
through these restrictive layers? The fear of change,
of a bleeding heart being taken advantage of again
Perhaps I can wrap my understanding around my
own strength and pick myself up from hopeless
debts, paying forward to what seems safe and
cautious and acknowledge my heart as a competent
compass
What is is it that I truly believe in? I ask of myself,
where is your courage? I don't expect to find myself
here, locked away in this cage of consternation
drowning in questions and rationalizations, whining and
wanting for someone to help me when all along this
song is playing
Ringing, ringing immersed in my concience
On this day I am for whom the bell tolls
The bell tolls for me, calling me home, its resonance
has resounded so long and I have been here
listening all along, waiting for myself to confirm
the note
Shall I lay my cares by the wayside? Toss myself
into this ocean of time...I've trusted the universe with
my life and verily it withstands that it has done me
no wrong, so why not? Why not let myself go? Fall
into giant hands and find my freedom
May my sentiments be my own, that of my
ceaseless knowing soul, from this point carrying
on, I beg of thee, Self, end this needless throe
Deliver me forth upon my shores
That which I am, evermore
I am the Mid-wife of My Self...(When did I get trained for this again?)
I had a moment once...while I was sitting on the floor of my friends room. I don't remember what we were doing...I think a movie was on, I wasn't particularly interested in whatever was happening. I remember it was hot, during the summer, I was in that mood that I never know how to describe. Neutral...I guess. Not really engaged about anything that was going on, probably weary from my life. I wasn't really thinking about anything...I remember letting my head fall back with boredom, I closed my eyes and then...there was an image that flashed into my head. A women...I only saw her from the neck up, like a portrait....
She looked...just like me. Only,she seemed more mature in her expression, her eyes were crimson red, her hair as black and shiny as raven feathers. Her hair was pulled up in the middle and decorated by a gold hair ornament, the style of it reminding me of a traditional Chinese aesthetic. The image of her stayed but a moment, though I never forgot any feature of her. It startled me, this image so clear of this woman who looked undeniably like myself coming from...nowhere. For a long time I tried to rationalize how I had imagined it but it didn't really make sense. There was no inspiration for it, I hadn't been thinking about anything, expecting anything, and I had never envisioned myself this way or anything close to this image anytime before.
Then, some day later...I'm not sure of how many days existed in between but...I had a dream of her.
The setting was an ideal blue sky, complete with perfect fluffy white clouds. She was just there, in this space of blue sky there was no ground. This time I could see her in full. Her outfit matched the style of her hair, like Chinese empirical robe, red with gold trimmings. She reached out her arms, beckoning me into an embrace. I became aware of myself, suddenly I wondered of my appearance worrying that I looked too shabby to greet this stunningly majestic woman. This was during the time that I was growing my hair out of my perm and I had a rather disorderly afro that I kept hidden under a mid-length black wig. I decided that I wasn't going to worry over that, that it was trivial to hesitate in accepting her call for something so trivial as the sate of my hair (in this obviously astral dream place no less.) At this point I seemed to burst through layers of myself. I went from my usual physical appearance and then burst into golden light particles and some other form that I'm afraid I cant remember the description for...
I think that two or three bursts occurred, after the last one burst I was floating smoothly toward her. Her smile was warm, I wanted nothing more than to reach her. It felt so right and yet...as I just about reached her, this smiling, warm, beautiful woman who looked just like me, beckoning me unto herself, our hands just about to meet so that she could pull me in, my anticipation preceding me at the feeling of utter bliss that I felt was sure to befall me when we joined...just as my fingertips would have met her hands...I had the most regretful moment in which the thought of fear prevailed
"But what will happen when I touch her?"
The fear that something bad would befall me when me met ripped me away from her instantly. There was a feeling of sadness between us as I was sucked back through all my bodies into the physical. I watched myself be yanked away from her, from this moment that felt so right because of a fear that I ultimately surmised was only because the answer was unknown.
I asked the obvious questions...what did this all mean? Why had I seen her twice? Who is she? Why does she look like me?
During this time I had begun to delve into spirituality and had done research on alot of things. This brought about the questions...Is she a me from another reality? Is she my higher self?
To this day I still wonder...I wonder even still if I just reached some height of imagination that I never have before. None the less...her presence, and that dream stuck with me deeply. Regardless of the truth of her being there was this symbolism I could not ignore: My inability to embrace myself because of my fear of myself. (This wasn't exactly a new concept....)
Who am I? Where am I from? What am I capable of?
These questions...I don't know why. Their answers and even the imaginings of their answers terrify me. Well, that's not exactly right...The truth is that I know why they terrify me. I have lived my life on this planet in this form as this person that so many have come to know me as and become comfortable with. Indeed I have only begun to live in the past few years, gaining deeper connections with those whom I love and really seeking true fulfillment in my life. I'm in a more or less comfortable place here.
The idea of the ground shaking beneath me, of my eyesight shifting, ending up in a reality that's so different than this not knowing how I would get back here or if I would come back here at all...here...where I've already built this life and where people have come to know me as I am after I've strived so hard to gain this life with people who will accept me and even enjoy what I have to offer their lives...
And yet...I have always craved this...this, bringing forth of that which feels like home to me. Whether Home be some missing part of myself finally rising and/or that I'm actually from some other place or time that I'll come to remember...
Who am I really? Where am I from? I've always felt that there was... so much to to me. I felt that there was a magical me existing somewhere, that there was somewhere else I belonged...and in recent days...I hear people calling out to me: "Remember." "Remember who you are." "Remember where we come from."....among other things of course. At times there were even some short conversations...this is while I am awake mind you, with beings that I can hear but cannot see. Once...someone said to me that I had promised to come home....and another time, a woman's voice from within me spoke "Kurai, I want you to know, that I love you and I need you. Be strong, and show your true-"
I became distracted, flustered by the recognition of this voice speaking within me and I lost focus and the voice seemed to mumble out of tune and I missed what she said. A feeling of warmth and love filled me in that moment.
Urg...this whole thing about who I am and accepting myself and the fears and doubts that prevent me from doing so...Even now my allergies are flaring up for the fiercely and I saw this thing today, a chart matching physical ailments to metaphysical causes. Next to allergies it says: Denying your own power. who or what are you allergic to?
....Coincidence?
I don't even know what to say about this anymore. It's like 6am now *looks over my shoulder out of the window* Yeah...the suns coming up...There isn't much more to say anyway I guess. It's clear what I have to do...go into the depths of my heart and find the courage to get past these fears and doubts if I want to have any chance of accepting myself and my reality as a whole and integrating that fullness into my life.
If you stayed with me this long, thank you for reading. It's been a long night and I'm going to go sleep on my issues. Blessings be upon thee...life is a trip <3
She looked...just like me. Only,she seemed more mature in her expression, her eyes were crimson red, her hair as black and shiny as raven feathers. Her hair was pulled up in the middle and decorated by a gold hair ornament, the style of it reminding me of a traditional Chinese aesthetic. The image of her stayed but a moment, though I never forgot any feature of her. It startled me, this image so clear of this woman who looked undeniably like myself coming from...nowhere. For a long time I tried to rationalize how I had imagined it but it didn't really make sense. There was no inspiration for it, I hadn't been thinking about anything, expecting anything, and I had never envisioned myself this way or anything close to this image anytime before.
Then, some day later...I'm not sure of how many days existed in between but...I had a dream of her.
The setting was an ideal blue sky, complete with perfect fluffy white clouds. She was just there, in this space of blue sky there was no ground. This time I could see her in full. Her outfit matched the style of her hair, like Chinese empirical robe, red with gold trimmings. She reached out her arms, beckoning me into an embrace. I became aware of myself, suddenly I wondered of my appearance worrying that I looked too shabby to greet this stunningly majestic woman. This was during the time that I was growing my hair out of my perm and I had a rather disorderly afro that I kept hidden under a mid-length black wig. I decided that I wasn't going to worry over that, that it was trivial to hesitate in accepting her call for something so trivial as the sate of my hair (in this obviously astral dream place no less.) At this point I seemed to burst through layers of myself. I went from my usual physical appearance and then burst into golden light particles and some other form that I'm afraid I cant remember the description for...
I think that two or three bursts occurred, after the last one burst I was floating smoothly toward her. Her smile was warm, I wanted nothing more than to reach her. It felt so right and yet...as I just about reached her, this smiling, warm, beautiful woman who looked just like me, beckoning me unto herself, our hands just about to meet so that she could pull me in, my anticipation preceding me at the feeling of utter bliss that I felt was sure to befall me when we joined...just as my fingertips would have met her hands...I had the most regretful moment in which the thought of fear prevailed
"But what will happen when I touch her?"
The fear that something bad would befall me when me met ripped me away from her instantly. There was a feeling of sadness between us as I was sucked back through all my bodies into the physical. I watched myself be yanked away from her, from this moment that felt so right because of a fear that I ultimately surmised was only because the answer was unknown.
I asked the obvious questions...what did this all mean? Why had I seen her twice? Who is she? Why does she look like me?
During this time I had begun to delve into spirituality and had done research on alot of things. This brought about the questions...Is she a me from another reality? Is she my higher self?
To this day I still wonder...I wonder even still if I just reached some height of imagination that I never have before. None the less...her presence, and that dream stuck with me deeply. Regardless of the truth of her being there was this symbolism I could not ignore: My inability to embrace myself because of my fear of myself. (This wasn't exactly a new concept....)
Who am I? Where am I from? What am I capable of?
These questions...I don't know why. Their answers and even the imaginings of their answers terrify me. Well, that's not exactly right...The truth is that I know why they terrify me. I have lived my life on this planet in this form as this person that so many have come to know me as and become comfortable with. Indeed I have only begun to live in the past few years, gaining deeper connections with those whom I love and really seeking true fulfillment in my life. I'm in a more or less comfortable place here.
The idea of the ground shaking beneath me, of my eyesight shifting, ending up in a reality that's so different than this not knowing how I would get back here or if I would come back here at all...here...where I've already built this life and where people have come to know me as I am after I've strived so hard to gain this life with people who will accept me and even enjoy what I have to offer their lives...
And yet...I have always craved this...this, bringing forth of that which feels like home to me. Whether Home be some missing part of myself finally rising and/or that I'm actually from some other place or time that I'll come to remember...
Who am I really? Where am I from? I've always felt that there was... so much to to me. I felt that there was a magical me existing somewhere, that there was somewhere else I belonged...and in recent days...I hear people calling out to me: "Remember." "Remember who you are." "Remember where we come from."....among other things of course. At times there were even some short conversations...this is while I am awake mind you, with beings that I can hear but cannot see. Once...someone said to me that I had promised to come home....and another time, a woman's voice from within me spoke "Kurai, I want you to know, that I love you and I need you. Be strong, and show your true-"
I became distracted, flustered by the recognition of this voice speaking within me and I lost focus and the voice seemed to mumble out of tune and I missed what she said. A feeling of warmth and love filled me in that moment.
Urg...this whole thing about who I am and accepting myself and the fears and doubts that prevent me from doing so...Even now my allergies are flaring up for the fiercely and I saw this thing today, a chart matching physical ailments to metaphysical causes. Next to allergies it says: Denying your own power. who or what are you allergic to?
....Coincidence?
I don't even know what to say about this anymore. It's like 6am now *looks over my shoulder out of the window* Yeah...the suns coming up...There isn't much more to say anyway I guess. It's clear what I have to do...go into the depths of my heart and find the courage to get past these fears and doubts if I want to have any chance of accepting myself and my reality as a whole and integrating that fullness into my life.
If you stayed with me this long, thank you for reading. It's been a long night and I'm going to go sleep on my issues. Blessings be upon thee...life is a trip <3
The Lovers Yin and Yang
Well...what do you know...it's uh...what time is it *looks at lower right hand corner of laptop* OH! It's about 3:23am, well....that's nice. Hello weary mind...I see you're up again. Are we gonna write about that stuff you were thinking about...uhm...maybe...lets see...
Oh yes, my Beloved and I. I read things occasionally about divine counterparts and twin flames and soul mates and such. The relationship between masculine and feminine energy greatly interests me. I feel that the concept of this is an integral part in all of our lives going much deeper than the simple appearance of "Man" and "Woman" and their connotative roles and meanings. Though I wont really get into info and definitions and such. I'm not very good at textbook explanations. Here is my experience:
My lover and I are like Yin and Yang. This is what I have come to view our interactions as. We are largely opposite in the way we do approach and deal with things. For this reason we are often at arms against each other, thankfully we are conscious enough to see this and thus our exchange never goes past the boiling point into verbal or physical abuse...at least not in any serious sense. Our words tend to bite, being as sharp as we in our debates, and we tend to nudge each other aggressively in some way if it's really bad but...it's all dramatics and side ways looks of knowing in the end. We recognize that we are often on opposite ends of the world, it amazes us both every day that we have managed to make a harmony from this.
Something I have noticed about us is that we tend to go in this cycle every month or so (at least that is my idea, again my figuring of linear time tend to be way off so I am really going off feeling here). I notice lessons come into our lives, the natures of which would be too hard to try to recount with all the intricacies involved and the many of examples. The point is, an issue or issues arise and we each take our stand and beliefs on why it is happening. We battle, as is natural apparently in the resolution of things, and go through a period of time where we feel disconnected (other issues arise from this which we must inevitably push to the side to get the the greater issue). The battling is just a series of weird conversations where we talk around a problem that neither of us seem to be able to grasp the full extent of or articulate properly for the understanding of the other.
At some point we reason to just let it go and stay out of each others way while the string of tension is still sensitive and there's a a period of time where we're just alright. We're not particularly honeymooning deep in love as elves like we usually are nor are we at arms at least...we make serious attempts not to be. This is rather the "Truce." period I suppose where we kinda just say fuck it until whatever piece is missing that will allow the issue to be solved surfaces. At some point, us both weary in our time feeling the energetic separateness and being on opposite sides of the universe we miraculously come to settle into a conversation that allows us both to come to some conclusion about the matter. Then we're at peace, the tension is gone, its awesome. Both parties have articulating their feelings and logic on the matter to some degree of fulfillment and understanding and we're good, on common ground.
Then, things flip...somehow. This is where the image of the yin yang comes to mind. And we find ourselves right back where we started only...on opposite side of experiences. It's like I can see things from the view he once had and he is now seeing the situation as me. An utter perspective change that even bleeds into our dimeaner and characteristics. We even end up using each others words, the very word we used on opposite side to explain ourselves in the first half of this experience. I see each of us in each other, blending and switching for all kinds of reasons. I feel like this happens so that we can resolve things as a whole unit. It is not enough for one to see one way and the other another even if we do find middle ground. No...we must take this experience in full and see each other go through it and view it from our perspective on the outside and also experience each side within ourselves and reflect on it from within.
I'd like to call this interchange Divine...I hardly know what the word means honestly but it feels right to call it so.I think its beautiful and Sacred the way my lover and I are in our relationship. We tackle reality together, so often unsure and surely frustrated along the way. But in our swirling we make it work, as man and woman, woman and man, yin and yang, yang and yin....
It drives me nuts sometimes but that's alright. Like this last week has been really bonkers. Illusions and emotions.... Reality and reason seeming to slip just out of our grasp every time *shaking my head* And in the midst of that...trying to birth my Soul into myself....yeah...self soul birthing...I'm gonna make that a separate post...
Oh yes, my Beloved and I. I read things occasionally about divine counterparts and twin flames and soul mates and such. The relationship between masculine and feminine energy greatly interests me. I feel that the concept of this is an integral part in all of our lives going much deeper than the simple appearance of "Man" and "Woman" and their connotative roles and meanings. Though I wont really get into info and definitions and such. I'm not very good at textbook explanations. Here is my experience:
My lover and I are like Yin and Yang. This is what I have come to view our interactions as. We are largely opposite in the way we do approach and deal with things. For this reason we are often at arms against each other, thankfully we are conscious enough to see this and thus our exchange never goes past the boiling point into verbal or physical abuse...at least not in any serious sense. Our words tend to bite, being as sharp as we in our debates, and we tend to nudge each other aggressively in some way if it's really bad but...it's all dramatics and side ways looks of knowing in the end. We recognize that we are often on opposite ends of the world, it amazes us both every day that we have managed to make a harmony from this.
Something I have noticed about us is that we tend to go in this cycle every month or so (at least that is my idea, again my figuring of linear time tend to be way off so I am really going off feeling here). I notice lessons come into our lives, the natures of which would be too hard to try to recount with all the intricacies involved and the many of examples. The point is, an issue or issues arise and we each take our stand and beliefs on why it is happening. We battle, as is natural apparently in the resolution of things, and go through a period of time where we feel disconnected (other issues arise from this which we must inevitably push to the side to get the the greater issue). The battling is just a series of weird conversations where we talk around a problem that neither of us seem to be able to grasp the full extent of or articulate properly for the understanding of the other.
At some point we reason to just let it go and stay out of each others way while the string of tension is still sensitive and there's a a period of time where we're just alright. We're not particularly honeymooning deep in love as elves like we usually are nor are we at arms at least...we make serious attempts not to be. This is rather the "Truce." period I suppose where we kinda just say fuck it until whatever piece is missing that will allow the issue to be solved surfaces. At some point, us both weary in our time feeling the energetic separateness and being on opposite sides of the universe we miraculously come to settle into a conversation that allows us both to come to some conclusion about the matter. Then we're at peace, the tension is gone, its awesome. Both parties have articulating their feelings and logic on the matter to some degree of fulfillment and understanding and we're good, on common ground.
Then, things flip...somehow. This is where the image of the yin yang comes to mind. And we find ourselves right back where we started only...on opposite side of experiences. It's like I can see things from the view he once had and he is now seeing the situation as me. An utter perspective change that even bleeds into our dimeaner and characteristics. We even end up using each others words, the very word we used on opposite side to explain ourselves in the first half of this experience. I see each of us in each other, blending and switching for all kinds of reasons. I feel like this happens so that we can resolve things as a whole unit. It is not enough for one to see one way and the other another even if we do find middle ground. No...we must take this experience in full and see each other go through it and view it from our perspective on the outside and also experience each side within ourselves and reflect on it from within.
I'd like to call this interchange Divine...I hardly know what the word means honestly but it feels right to call it so.I think its beautiful and Sacred the way my lover and I are in our relationship. We tackle reality together, so often unsure and surely frustrated along the way. But in our swirling we make it work, as man and woman, woman and man, yin and yang, yang and yin....
It drives me nuts sometimes but that's alright. Like this last week has been really bonkers. Illusions and emotions.... Reality and reason seeming to slip just out of our grasp every time *shaking my head* And in the midst of that...trying to birth my Soul into myself....yeah...self soul birthing...I'm gonna make that a separate post...
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Efflorescence
I plant myself as a seed
to be beckoned by the sun
unfolding into the light as
a blossoming one
Called forth, the pieces
of me, spill over with brilliant
coloring, soft appendages
stretch out for all to experience
The expression of beauty
blessed upon me, this I return
to the world, pouring freely
To inspire as inspiration
hath born me, the essence
of myself comes to forming
The loveliness from which
all flowers bloom, the will
to be buried and then to
grow
The courage to open
what once was closed
to be beckoned by the sun
unfolding into the light as
a blossoming one
Called forth, the pieces
of me, spill over with brilliant
coloring, soft appendages
stretch out for all to experience
The expression of beauty
blessed upon me, this I return
to the world, pouring freely
To inspire as inspiration
hath born me, the essence
of myself comes to forming
The loveliness from which
all flowers bloom, the will
to be buried and then to
grow
The courage to open
what once was closed
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Brisk Walk
I tear off my hood
I wonder why I even bothered
What's a little rain in face? Whats a little
cold wind? I love it all anyway, it's so cleansing
and I need to get out of this mood I'm in.
Let the rain fall over me
Even when I haven't the courage to
fall myself , it will fall anyway, stream down my face
as my tears would and forgive me of my hesitance
May the rain cleanse me of
of such negative things, and the winds
blow through me with their kind forces, comforting
me with a bitter chill, prickling my skin
Fall and lash on this grey Spring
day, embrace me.My heart tones in appreciation
for your company.
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