I had a moment once...while I was sitting on the floor of my friends room. I don't remember what we were doing...I think a movie was on, I wasn't particularly interested in whatever was happening. I remember it was hot, during the summer, I was in that mood that I never know how to describe. Neutral...I guess. Not really engaged about anything that was going on, probably weary from my life. I wasn't really thinking about anything...I remember letting my head fall back with boredom, I closed my eyes and then...there was an image that flashed into my head. A women...I only saw her from the neck up, like a portrait....
She looked...just like me. Only,she seemed more mature in her expression, her eyes were crimson red, her hair as black and shiny as raven feathers. Her hair was pulled up in the middle and decorated by a gold hair ornament, the style of it reminding me of a traditional Chinese aesthetic. The image of her stayed but a moment, though I never forgot any feature of her. It startled me, this image so clear of this woman who looked undeniably like myself coming from...nowhere. For a long time I tried to rationalize how I had imagined it but it didn't really make sense. There was no inspiration for it, I hadn't been thinking about anything, expecting anything, and I had never envisioned myself this way or anything close to this image anytime before.
Then, some day later...I'm not sure of how many days existed in between but...I had a dream of her.
The setting was an ideal blue sky, complete with perfect fluffy white clouds. She was just there, in this space of blue sky there was no ground. This time I could see her in full. Her outfit matched the style of her hair, like Chinese empirical robe, red with gold trimmings. She reached out her arms, beckoning me into an embrace. I became aware of myself, suddenly I wondered of my appearance worrying that I looked too shabby to greet this stunningly majestic woman. This was during the time that I was growing my hair out of my perm and I had a rather disorderly afro that I kept hidden under a mid-length black wig. I decided that I wasn't going to worry over that, that it was trivial to hesitate in accepting her call for something so trivial as the sate of my hair (in this obviously astral dream place no less.) At this point I seemed to burst through layers of myself. I went from my usual physical appearance and then burst into golden light particles and some other form that I'm afraid I cant remember the description for...
I think that two or three bursts occurred, after the last one burst I was floating smoothly toward her. Her smile was warm, I wanted nothing more than to reach her. It felt so right and yet...as I just about reached her, this smiling, warm, beautiful woman who looked just like me, beckoning me unto herself, our hands just about to meet so that she could pull me in, my anticipation preceding me at the feeling of utter bliss that I felt was sure to befall me when we joined...just as my fingertips would have met her hands...I had the most regretful moment in which the thought of fear prevailed
"But what will happen when I touch her?"
The fear that something bad would befall me when me met ripped me away from her instantly. There was a feeling of sadness between us as I was sucked back through all my bodies into the physical. I watched myself be yanked away from her, from this moment that felt so right because of a fear that I ultimately surmised was only because the answer was unknown.
I asked the obvious questions...what did this all mean? Why had I seen her twice? Who is she? Why does she look like me?
During this time I had begun to delve into spirituality and had done research on alot of things. This brought about the questions...Is she a me from another reality? Is she my higher self?
To this day I still wonder...I wonder even still if I just reached some height of imagination that I never have before. None the less...her presence, and that dream stuck with me deeply. Regardless of the truth of her being there was this symbolism I could not ignore: My inability to embrace myself because of my fear of myself. (This wasn't exactly a new concept....)
Who am I? Where am I from? What am I capable of?
These questions...I don't know why. Their answers and even the imaginings of their answers terrify me. Well, that's not exactly right...The truth is that I know why they terrify me. I have lived my life on this planet in this form as this person that so many have come to know me as and become comfortable with. Indeed I have only begun to live in the past few years, gaining deeper connections with those whom I love and really seeking true fulfillment in my life. I'm in a more or less comfortable place here.
The idea of the ground shaking beneath me, of my eyesight shifting, ending up in a reality that's so different than this not knowing how I would get back here or if I would come back here at all...here...where I've already built this life and where people have come to know me as I am after I've strived so hard to gain this life with people who will accept me and even enjoy what I have to offer their lives...
And yet...I have always craved this...this, bringing forth of that which feels like home to me. Whether Home be some missing part of myself finally rising and/or that I'm actually from some other place or time that I'll come to remember...
Who am I really? Where am I from? I've always felt that there was... so much to to me. I felt that there was a magical me existing somewhere, that there was somewhere else I belonged...and in recent days...I hear people calling out to me: "Remember." "Remember who you are." "Remember where we come from."....among other things of course. At times there were even some short conversations...this is while I am awake mind you, with beings that I can hear but cannot see. Once...someone said to me that I had promised to come home....and another time, a woman's voice from within me spoke "Kurai, I want you to know, that I love you and I need you. Be strong, and show your true-"
I became distracted, flustered by the recognition of this voice speaking within me and I lost focus and the voice seemed to mumble out of tune and I missed what she said. A feeling of warmth and love filled me in that moment.
Urg...this whole thing about who I am and accepting myself and the fears and doubts that prevent me from doing so...Even now my allergies are flaring up for the fiercely and I saw this thing today, a chart matching physical ailments to metaphysical causes. Next to allergies it says: Denying your own power. who or what are you allergic to?
....Coincidence?
I don't even know what to say about this anymore. It's like 6am now *looks over my shoulder out of the window* Yeah...the suns coming up...There isn't much more to say anyway I guess. It's clear what I have to do...go into the depths of my heart and find the courage to get past these fears and doubts if I want to have any chance of accepting myself and my reality as a whole and integrating that fullness into my life.
If you stayed with me this long, thank you for reading. It's been a long night and I'm going to go sleep on my issues. Blessings be upon thee...life is a trip <3
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