Yes, I have decided to be born. I find myself here awakening in infancy to the potential of myself. My eyesight is hazy, I wonder from where I came and where I will go... I realize that I am attached to something, it connects me to where I came from, my former home...anxiety befalls me in the thought of being detached from this place as the cord is loomed over by sharp blades.
In the world of Tarot the element of swords or blades refers to the element of air, of the intellectual and conflictual parts of existence.
I have come to face another idea which I must be birthed through. Who am I? Where do I come from?Why is this happening to me?
These questions standing ever in my existence, causing angst and tension cannot stand as such.
Where do I come from? Are people missing me? Are all these voices missing family and friends from other dimensions? My higher self? Am I on a mission? Did I fail my mission? Am I suppose to be here? Who is talking to me? Why are they talking to me? Why don't I remember? What am I suppose to remember?
All these questions are pointless in the face of memories unknown and voices gone unidentified. Many of the voices I hear I believe are myself in some form, perhaps I have heard the voice of a higher dimensional form of myself or friends and family from parallel realities. Those are all quite interesting things that I would love to lose myself in, cling to as concrete. Though the truth is, I cannot be sure. The truth is, I don't know anything about these things and doting on what the answers could be is pointless and harmful to some degree.
My ideas of "Home" I think of as me coming "from" somewhere and my imaginings of what I would be like existing in this place tend to restrain me as I hold on to some hardly formed ideal of what it means to be from that place that I don't know or remember.Perhaps...the place I come "from" doesn't even exist yet and my beautiful memories of another world are my imagining of something that I will and or be a part of creating.
My main point in this lesson to myself is, to stop relying on where I came from to define who I am. The attributes I carry with me now are the structure of my thought form existing in the Now and that is all I need. If there were memories I needed or really wanted or people that I should meet or things I should do I imagine they will arise when necessary and or possible, otherwise my focus should be here, creating myself now.
It's scary...the idea of cutting myself free from the idea of home as being that which defines my reason for being. When you cut the umbilical cord...you're mother is no longer your assured source of nourishment and comfort. Nothing is certain and within ourselves we can feel alone and become lonely and search for something to ground us, something to be apart of when we don't know what to do with ourselves.
I think it is true that Enlightenment means taking full responsibility for ones self. I've made the decision to cut myself away from all restraints to see who I really am and who I want to be and act like when I'm not living for the sake of anything else. Not for my family, not for my friends or even my daughter, not for my country or for my planet or for my home. I put aside everyone meanings and started from 0. Who am I after that?
This is not to say that I don't care about anything because certainly I do and certainly I have my wonderings...I just won't let these things control who I am because I want to be who I envision as my true self, and let my home be determined by that which embraces me from henceforth.
When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. ~ Audre Lorde ~
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