I feel like I should always write a reflection after I've written a post about an issue while in the emotions of it, I feel like I get so dramatic and I always miss out on things I really wanted to say lol Thats part of the transparency of the disclosure of my life though I suppose. I write as I think for the most part you know...I edit to an extent for spelling and organization and all that stuff.
Anyway, so after all that birthing and cord cutting I feel like I'm stretching out my limbs if you will. Just allowing myself to flow in my thoughts, emotions, and body as I feel is natural. Not condemning myself at every turn for fear of right or wrong or acceptable, but rather I am being thoughtful and patient in the observance of myself, my surrounding and how these things will interact.It feels much like when you exercise after you haven't for a long time, you start to notice the sensation of muscles being stimulated that haven't been for you don't even remember how long. It's that kind of exercise that you put of for fear of the pain that you only realize afterwards was more than worth it for the awesome energy and healthy benefits that you gain (not to mention that ache thats almost a sensual pleasure afterwards >v<)
It's weird looking back on my life sometimes. Thinking about how I had bottled my self up so over time.. I remember when I was trying to meet everyones expectations of me and mourned the shortcomings of my own. I didn't realize I was hushing my own spirit trying to mold myself to fit the view of what is right and worthy of acknowledgment in this upside down illusion that most people refer to as reality on this planet. Now that I'm here, now that I realize that all my thoughts and imaginings and inner issues and feelings actually mean something and effect the way my life unfolds, now that I know that I have the power to change myself and step out of my own boundaries to something more...all I can do is be grateful and amazed that I have made it through so much pain and insanity to be where I am now. Understanding things I had always thought to be too far beyond me, feelings sensations beyond my imagining, BEING myself >w< loving myself and my life to the fullest, growing on a personal level constantly evolving, making genuine connections with other lovely beings...
I am a child of earth and the heavens
the particles of vastness whoms mysteries
are imagined into art to be explored and revered
Who am I? I am me..
That is all that can be described
without limiting me
Why am I here?
To live, to love, to explore
so says the core of me and so
I am abiding
My life unfolding has been strange and often confusing and frustrating. I find myself embarrassed at the words I say as I describe such things that I worry will lead those who read of me to think me insane,even in this new age.
I asked myself this morning, why would I come to such a place as Earth if I was from elsewhere? To help people? To help myself? My first thought is that one of these answers is arrogant and the other too self serving. But beyond such rash judgment that I come to the question of, well? What are you doing now? What have you always been doing?
Observing the world around me, wanting to gain wisdom and understanding, loving, creating and honoring art in all forms, learning about myself and others, searching for the true meaning of the heart and love
These are things that I have always done, beneath all actions and chaotic swirling of life these ideas and inquiries have withstood within my consciousness untainted. This is my nature I suppose...
My personality takes on many shapes considering the type of woman I want to be at the time, I have my ideas of beauty and integrity that ground me, beyond that I am art in motion and I no longer feel the pressure to slow or stop to accommodate expectations of who I am. I am the creator of my doll and the doll herself, a member of the universe that cannot be duplicated or replaced in my unique value. If I am ever to be needed or wanted of myself or to anyone it will be in desire of the truth of said Me, and nothing less. This, I vow to my self for the evers of existence to come....though I have a feeling that I've already made this vow to myself long in times past <3
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
Cutting the Umbilical cord
Yes, I have decided to be born. I find myself here awakening in infancy to the potential of myself. My eyesight is hazy, I wonder from where I came and where I will go... I realize that I am attached to something, it connects me to where I came from, my former home...anxiety befalls me in the thought of being detached from this place as the cord is loomed over by sharp blades.
In the world of Tarot the element of swords or blades refers to the element of air, of the intellectual and conflictual parts of existence.
I have come to face another idea which I must be birthed through. Who am I? Where do I come from?Why is this happening to me?
These questions standing ever in my existence, causing angst and tension cannot stand as such.
Where do I come from? Are people missing me? Are all these voices missing family and friends from other dimensions? My higher self? Am I on a mission? Did I fail my mission? Am I suppose to be here? Who is talking to me? Why are they talking to me? Why don't I remember? What am I suppose to remember?
All these questions are pointless in the face of memories unknown and voices gone unidentified. Many of the voices I hear I believe are myself in some form, perhaps I have heard the voice of a higher dimensional form of myself or friends and family from parallel realities. Those are all quite interesting things that I would love to lose myself in, cling to as concrete. Though the truth is, I cannot be sure. The truth is, I don't know anything about these things and doting on what the answers could be is pointless and harmful to some degree.
My ideas of "Home" I think of as me coming "from" somewhere and my imaginings of what I would be like existing in this place tend to restrain me as I hold on to some hardly formed ideal of what it means to be from that place that I don't know or remember.Perhaps...the place I come "from" doesn't even exist yet and my beautiful memories of another world are my imagining of something that I will and or be a part of creating.
My main point in this lesson to myself is, to stop relying on where I came from to define who I am. The attributes I carry with me now are the structure of my thought form existing in the Now and that is all I need. If there were memories I needed or really wanted or people that I should meet or things I should do I imagine they will arise when necessary and or possible, otherwise my focus should be here, creating myself now.
It's scary...the idea of cutting myself free from the idea of home as being that which defines my reason for being. When you cut the umbilical cord...you're mother is no longer your assured source of nourishment and comfort. Nothing is certain and within ourselves we can feel alone and become lonely and search for something to ground us, something to be apart of when we don't know what to do with ourselves.
I think it is true that Enlightenment means taking full responsibility for ones self. I've made the decision to cut myself away from all restraints to see who I really am and who I want to be and act like when I'm not living for the sake of anything else. Not for my family, not for my friends or even my daughter, not for my country or for my planet or for my home. I put aside everyone meanings and started from 0. Who am I after that?
This is not to say that I don't care about anything because certainly I do and certainly I have my wonderings...I just won't let these things control who I am because I want to be who I envision as my true self, and let my home be determined by that which embraces me from henceforth.
When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. ~ Audre Lorde ~
In the world of Tarot the element of swords or blades refers to the element of air, of the intellectual and conflictual parts of existence.
I have come to face another idea which I must be birthed through. Who am I? Where do I come from?Why is this happening to me?
These questions standing ever in my existence, causing angst and tension cannot stand as such.
Where do I come from? Are people missing me? Are all these voices missing family and friends from other dimensions? My higher self? Am I on a mission? Did I fail my mission? Am I suppose to be here? Who is talking to me? Why are they talking to me? Why don't I remember? What am I suppose to remember?
All these questions are pointless in the face of memories unknown and voices gone unidentified. Many of the voices I hear I believe are myself in some form, perhaps I have heard the voice of a higher dimensional form of myself or friends and family from parallel realities. Those are all quite interesting things that I would love to lose myself in, cling to as concrete. Though the truth is, I cannot be sure. The truth is, I don't know anything about these things and doting on what the answers could be is pointless and harmful to some degree.
My ideas of "Home" I think of as me coming "from" somewhere and my imaginings of what I would be like existing in this place tend to restrain me as I hold on to some hardly formed ideal of what it means to be from that place that I don't know or remember.Perhaps...the place I come "from" doesn't even exist yet and my beautiful memories of another world are my imagining of something that I will and or be a part of creating.
My main point in this lesson to myself is, to stop relying on where I came from to define who I am. The attributes I carry with me now are the structure of my thought form existing in the Now and that is all I need. If there were memories I needed or really wanted or people that I should meet or things I should do I imagine they will arise when necessary and or possible, otherwise my focus should be here, creating myself now.
It's scary...the idea of cutting myself free from the idea of home as being that which defines my reason for being. When you cut the umbilical cord...you're mother is no longer your assured source of nourishment and comfort. Nothing is certain and within ourselves we can feel alone and become lonely and search for something to ground us, something to be apart of when we don't know what to do with ourselves.
I think it is true that Enlightenment means taking full responsibility for ones self. I've made the decision to cut myself away from all restraints to see who I really am and who I want to be and act like when I'm not living for the sake of anything else. Not for my family, not for my friends or even my daughter, not for my country or for my planet or for my home. I put aside everyone meanings and started from 0. Who am I after that?
This is not to say that I don't care about anything because certainly I do and certainly I have my wonderings...I just won't let these things control who I am because I want to be who I envision as my true self, and let my home be determined by that which embraces me from henceforth.
When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. ~ Audre Lorde ~
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Plea for Delivery
It comes down to something very simple.
Something that I have always known.
I've strayed so far from that place it seems
though I know my straying is an illusion
I have always been here, even when my claims
state otherwise. I have only been fighting myself
Struggling between the truth and the lies
I don't want to get caught up, my fear is believing
the wrong side, but in my experience of life
I cannot shy away from what is mine
The way my feet wish to tread and where
my hands seek to grasp I lay unsteady here
on the cusp of understanding
They say that the ways of the heart are
not dependent of reason, in many ways this anthem
tones with freedom. To cut the tension of bondage
on my being, is it okay to to dance in this season?
To embrace a way of opening myself and letting
my feelings for all seep out, to embrace love in its
unconditional form, a part of me that is all but
forgotten
Can I birth myself from uncertainty and break
through these restrictive layers? The fear of change,
of a bleeding heart being taken advantage of again
Perhaps I can wrap my understanding around my
own strength and pick myself up from hopeless
debts, paying forward to what seems safe and
cautious and acknowledge my heart as a competent
compass
What is is it that I truly believe in? I ask of myself,
where is your courage? I don't expect to find myself
here, locked away in this cage of consternation
drowning in questions and rationalizations, whining and
wanting for someone to help me when all along this
song is playing
Ringing, ringing immersed in my concience
On this day I am for whom the bell tolls
The bell tolls for me, calling me home, its resonance
has resounded so long and I have been here
listening all along, waiting for myself to confirm
the note
Shall I lay my cares by the wayside? Toss myself
into this ocean of time...I've trusted the universe with
my life and verily it withstands that it has done me
no wrong, so why not? Why not let myself go? Fall
into giant hands and find my freedom
May my sentiments be my own, that of my
ceaseless knowing soul, from this point carrying
on, I beg of thee, Self, end this needless throe
Deliver me forth upon my shores
That which I am, evermore
Something that I have always known.
I've strayed so far from that place it seems
though I know my straying is an illusion
I have always been here, even when my claims
state otherwise. I have only been fighting myself
Struggling between the truth and the lies
I don't want to get caught up, my fear is believing
the wrong side, but in my experience of life
I cannot shy away from what is mine
The way my feet wish to tread and where
my hands seek to grasp I lay unsteady here
on the cusp of understanding
They say that the ways of the heart are
not dependent of reason, in many ways this anthem
tones with freedom. To cut the tension of bondage
on my being, is it okay to to dance in this season?
To embrace a way of opening myself and letting
my feelings for all seep out, to embrace love in its
unconditional form, a part of me that is all but
forgotten
Can I birth myself from uncertainty and break
through these restrictive layers? The fear of change,
of a bleeding heart being taken advantage of again
Perhaps I can wrap my understanding around my
own strength and pick myself up from hopeless
debts, paying forward to what seems safe and
cautious and acknowledge my heart as a competent
compass
What is is it that I truly believe in? I ask of myself,
where is your courage? I don't expect to find myself
here, locked away in this cage of consternation
drowning in questions and rationalizations, whining and
wanting for someone to help me when all along this
song is playing
Ringing, ringing immersed in my concience
On this day I am for whom the bell tolls
The bell tolls for me, calling me home, its resonance
has resounded so long and I have been here
listening all along, waiting for myself to confirm
the note
Shall I lay my cares by the wayside? Toss myself
into this ocean of time...I've trusted the universe with
my life and verily it withstands that it has done me
no wrong, so why not? Why not let myself go? Fall
into giant hands and find my freedom
May my sentiments be my own, that of my
ceaseless knowing soul, from this point carrying
on, I beg of thee, Self, end this needless throe
Deliver me forth upon my shores
That which I am, evermore
I am the Mid-wife of My Self...(When did I get trained for this again?)
I had a moment once...while I was sitting on the floor of my friends room. I don't remember what we were doing...I think a movie was on, I wasn't particularly interested in whatever was happening. I remember it was hot, during the summer, I was in that mood that I never know how to describe. Neutral...I guess. Not really engaged about anything that was going on, probably weary from my life. I wasn't really thinking about anything...I remember letting my head fall back with boredom, I closed my eyes and then...there was an image that flashed into my head. A women...I only saw her from the neck up, like a portrait....
She looked...just like me. Only,she seemed more mature in her expression, her eyes were crimson red, her hair as black and shiny as raven feathers. Her hair was pulled up in the middle and decorated by a gold hair ornament, the style of it reminding me of a traditional Chinese aesthetic. The image of her stayed but a moment, though I never forgot any feature of her. It startled me, this image so clear of this woman who looked undeniably like myself coming from...nowhere. For a long time I tried to rationalize how I had imagined it but it didn't really make sense. There was no inspiration for it, I hadn't been thinking about anything, expecting anything, and I had never envisioned myself this way or anything close to this image anytime before.
Then, some day later...I'm not sure of how many days existed in between but...I had a dream of her.
The setting was an ideal blue sky, complete with perfect fluffy white clouds. She was just there, in this space of blue sky there was no ground. This time I could see her in full. Her outfit matched the style of her hair, like Chinese empirical robe, red with gold trimmings. She reached out her arms, beckoning me into an embrace. I became aware of myself, suddenly I wondered of my appearance worrying that I looked too shabby to greet this stunningly majestic woman. This was during the time that I was growing my hair out of my perm and I had a rather disorderly afro that I kept hidden under a mid-length black wig. I decided that I wasn't going to worry over that, that it was trivial to hesitate in accepting her call for something so trivial as the sate of my hair (in this obviously astral dream place no less.) At this point I seemed to burst through layers of myself. I went from my usual physical appearance and then burst into golden light particles and some other form that I'm afraid I cant remember the description for...
I think that two or three bursts occurred, after the last one burst I was floating smoothly toward her. Her smile was warm, I wanted nothing more than to reach her. It felt so right and yet...as I just about reached her, this smiling, warm, beautiful woman who looked just like me, beckoning me unto herself, our hands just about to meet so that she could pull me in, my anticipation preceding me at the feeling of utter bliss that I felt was sure to befall me when we joined...just as my fingertips would have met her hands...I had the most regretful moment in which the thought of fear prevailed
"But what will happen when I touch her?"
The fear that something bad would befall me when me met ripped me away from her instantly. There was a feeling of sadness between us as I was sucked back through all my bodies into the physical. I watched myself be yanked away from her, from this moment that felt so right because of a fear that I ultimately surmised was only because the answer was unknown.
I asked the obvious questions...what did this all mean? Why had I seen her twice? Who is she? Why does she look like me?
During this time I had begun to delve into spirituality and had done research on alot of things. This brought about the questions...Is she a me from another reality? Is she my higher self?
To this day I still wonder...I wonder even still if I just reached some height of imagination that I never have before. None the less...her presence, and that dream stuck with me deeply. Regardless of the truth of her being there was this symbolism I could not ignore: My inability to embrace myself because of my fear of myself. (This wasn't exactly a new concept....)
Who am I? Where am I from? What am I capable of?
These questions...I don't know why. Their answers and even the imaginings of their answers terrify me. Well, that's not exactly right...The truth is that I know why they terrify me. I have lived my life on this planet in this form as this person that so many have come to know me as and become comfortable with. Indeed I have only begun to live in the past few years, gaining deeper connections with those whom I love and really seeking true fulfillment in my life. I'm in a more or less comfortable place here.
The idea of the ground shaking beneath me, of my eyesight shifting, ending up in a reality that's so different than this not knowing how I would get back here or if I would come back here at all...here...where I've already built this life and where people have come to know me as I am after I've strived so hard to gain this life with people who will accept me and even enjoy what I have to offer their lives...
And yet...I have always craved this...this, bringing forth of that which feels like home to me. Whether Home be some missing part of myself finally rising and/or that I'm actually from some other place or time that I'll come to remember...
Who am I really? Where am I from? I've always felt that there was... so much to to me. I felt that there was a magical me existing somewhere, that there was somewhere else I belonged...and in recent days...I hear people calling out to me: "Remember." "Remember who you are." "Remember where we come from."....among other things of course. At times there were even some short conversations...this is while I am awake mind you, with beings that I can hear but cannot see. Once...someone said to me that I had promised to come home....and another time, a woman's voice from within me spoke "Kurai, I want you to know, that I love you and I need you. Be strong, and show your true-"
I became distracted, flustered by the recognition of this voice speaking within me and I lost focus and the voice seemed to mumble out of tune and I missed what she said. A feeling of warmth and love filled me in that moment.
Urg...this whole thing about who I am and accepting myself and the fears and doubts that prevent me from doing so...Even now my allergies are flaring up for the fiercely and I saw this thing today, a chart matching physical ailments to metaphysical causes. Next to allergies it says: Denying your own power. who or what are you allergic to?
....Coincidence?
I don't even know what to say about this anymore. It's like 6am now *looks over my shoulder out of the window* Yeah...the suns coming up...There isn't much more to say anyway I guess. It's clear what I have to do...go into the depths of my heart and find the courage to get past these fears and doubts if I want to have any chance of accepting myself and my reality as a whole and integrating that fullness into my life.
If you stayed with me this long, thank you for reading. It's been a long night and I'm going to go sleep on my issues. Blessings be upon thee...life is a trip <3
She looked...just like me. Only,she seemed more mature in her expression, her eyes were crimson red, her hair as black and shiny as raven feathers. Her hair was pulled up in the middle and decorated by a gold hair ornament, the style of it reminding me of a traditional Chinese aesthetic. The image of her stayed but a moment, though I never forgot any feature of her. It startled me, this image so clear of this woman who looked undeniably like myself coming from...nowhere. For a long time I tried to rationalize how I had imagined it but it didn't really make sense. There was no inspiration for it, I hadn't been thinking about anything, expecting anything, and I had never envisioned myself this way or anything close to this image anytime before.
Then, some day later...I'm not sure of how many days existed in between but...I had a dream of her.
The setting was an ideal blue sky, complete with perfect fluffy white clouds. She was just there, in this space of blue sky there was no ground. This time I could see her in full. Her outfit matched the style of her hair, like Chinese empirical robe, red with gold trimmings. She reached out her arms, beckoning me into an embrace. I became aware of myself, suddenly I wondered of my appearance worrying that I looked too shabby to greet this stunningly majestic woman. This was during the time that I was growing my hair out of my perm and I had a rather disorderly afro that I kept hidden under a mid-length black wig. I decided that I wasn't going to worry over that, that it was trivial to hesitate in accepting her call for something so trivial as the sate of my hair (in this obviously astral dream place no less.) At this point I seemed to burst through layers of myself. I went from my usual physical appearance and then burst into golden light particles and some other form that I'm afraid I cant remember the description for...
I think that two or three bursts occurred, after the last one burst I was floating smoothly toward her. Her smile was warm, I wanted nothing more than to reach her. It felt so right and yet...as I just about reached her, this smiling, warm, beautiful woman who looked just like me, beckoning me unto herself, our hands just about to meet so that she could pull me in, my anticipation preceding me at the feeling of utter bliss that I felt was sure to befall me when we joined...just as my fingertips would have met her hands...I had the most regretful moment in which the thought of fear prevailed
"But what will happen when I touch her?"
The fear that something bad would befall me when me met ripped me away from her instantly. There was a feeling of sadness between us as I was sucked back through all my bodies into the physical. I watched myself be yanked away from her, from this moment that felt so right because of a fear that I ultimately surmised was only because the answer was unknown.
I asked the obvious questions...what did this all mean? Why had I seen her twice? Who is she? Why does she look like me?
During this time I had begun to delve into spirituality and had done research on alot of things. This brought about the questions...Is she a me from another reality? Is she my higher self?
To this day I still wonder...I wonder even still if I just reached some height of imagination that I never have before. None the less...her presence, and that dream stuck with me deeply. Regardless of the truth of her being there was this symbolism I could not ignore: My inability to embrace myself because of my fear of myself. (This wasn't exactly a new concept....)
Who am I? Where am I from? What am I capable of?
These questions...I don't know why. Their answers and even the imaginings of their answers terrify me. Well, that's not exactly right...The truth is that I know why they terrify me. I have lived my life on this planet in this form as this person that so many have come to know me as and become comfortable with. Indeed I have only begun to live in the past few years, gaining deeper connections with those whom I love and really seeking true fulfillment in my life. I'm in a more or less comfortable place here.
The idea of the ground shaking beneath me, of my eyesight shifting, ending up in a reality that's so different than this not knowing how I would get back here or if I would come back here at all...here...where I've already built this life and where people have come to know me as I am after I've strived so hard to gain this life with people who will accept me and even enjoy what I have to offer their lives...
And yet...I have always craved this...this, bringing forth of that which feels like home to me. Whether Home be some missing part of myself finally rising and/or that I'm actually from some other place or time that I'll come to remember...
Who am I really? Where am I from? I've always felt that there was... so much to to me. I felt that there was a magical me existing somewhere, that there was somewhere else I belonged...and in recent days...I hear people calling out to me: "Remember." "Remember who you are." "Remember where we come from."....among other things of course. At times there were even some short conversations...this is while I am awake mind you, with beings that I can hear but cannot see. Once...someone said to me that I had promised to come home....and another time, a woman's voice from within me spoke "Kurai, I want you to know, that I love you and I need you. Be strong, and show your true-"
I became distracted, flustered by the recognition of this voice speaking within me and I lost focus and the voice seemed to mumble out of tune and I missed what she said. A feeling of warmth and love filled me in that moment.
Urg...this whole thing about who I am and accepting myself and the fears and doubts that prevent me from doing so...Even now my allergies are flaring up for the fiercely and I saw this thing today, a chart matching physical ailments to metaphysical causes. Next to allergies it says: Denying your own power. who or what are you allergic to?
....Coincidence?
I don't even know what to say about this anymore. It's like 6am now *looks over my shoulder out of the window* Yeah...the suns coming up...There isn't much more to say anyway I guess. It's clear what I have to do...go into the depths of my heart and find the courage to get past these fears and doubts if I want to have any chance of accepting myself and my reality as a whole and integrating that fullness into my life.
If you stayed with me this long, thank you for reading. It's been a long night and I'm going to go sleep on my issues. Blessings be upon thee...life is a trip <3
The Lovers Yin and Yang
Well...what do you know...it's uh...what time is it *looks at lower right hand corner of laptop* OH! It's about 3:23am, well....that's nice. Hello weary mind...I see you're up again. Are we gonna write about that stuff you were thinking about...uhm...maybe...lets see...
Oh yes, my Beloved and I. I read things occasionally about divine counterparts and twin flames and soul mates and such. The relationship between masculine and feminine energy greatly interests me. I feel that the concept of this is an integral part in all of our lives going much deeper than the simple appearance of "Man" and "Woman" and their connotative roles and meanings. Though I wont really get into info and definitions and such. I'm not very good at textbook explanations. Here is my experience:
My lover and I are like Yin and Yang. This is what I have come to view our interactions as. We are largely opposite in the way we do approach and deal with things. For this reason we are often at arms against each other, thankfully we are conscious enough to see this and thus our exchange never goes past the boiling point into verbal or physical abuse...at least not in any serious sense. Our words tend to bite, being as sharp as we in our debates, and we tend to nudge each other aggressively in some way if it's really bad but...it's all dramatics and side ways looks of knowing in the end. We recognize that we are often on opposite ends of the world, it amazes us both every day that we have managed to make a harmony from this.
Something I have noticed about us is that we tend to go in this cycle every month or so (at least that is my idea, again my figuring of linear time tend to be way off so I am really going off feeling here). I notice lessons come into our lives, the natures of which would be too hard to try to recount with all the intricacies involved and the many of examples. The point is, an issue or issues arise and we each take our stand and beliefs on why it is happening. We battle, as is natural apparently in the resolution of things, and go through a period of time where we feel disconnected (other issues arise from this which we must inevitably push to the side to get the the greater issue). The battling is just a series of weird conversations where we talk around a problem that neither of us seem to be able to grasp the full extent of or articulate properly for the understanding of the other.
At some point we reason to just let it go and stay out of each others way while the string of tension is still sensitive and there's a a period of time where we're just alright. We're not particularly honeymooning deep in love as elves like we usually are nor are we at arms at least...we make serious attempts not to be. This is rather the "Truce." period I suppose where we kinda just say fuck it until whatever piece is missing that will allow the issue to be solved surfaces. At some point, us both weary in our time feeling the energetic separateness and being on opposite sides of the universe we miraculously come to settle into a conversation that allows us both to come to some conclusion about the matter. Then we're at peace, the tension is gone, its awesome. Both parties have articulating their feelings and logic on the matter to some degree of fulfillment and understanding and we're good, on common ground.
Then, things flip...somehow. This is where the image of the yin yang comes to mind. And we find ourselves right back where we started only...on opposite side of experiences. It's like I can see things from the view he once had and he is now seeing the situation as me. An utter perspective change that even bleeds into our dimeaner and characteristics. We even end up using each others words, the very word we used on opposite side to explain ourselves in the first half of this experience. I see each of us in each other, blending and switching for all kinds of reasons. I feel like this happens so that we can resolve things as a whole unit. It is not enough for one to see one way and the other another even if we do find middle ground. No...we must take this experience in full and see each other go through it and view it from our perspective on the outside and also experience each side within ourselves and reflect on it from within.
I'd like to call this interchange Divine...I hardly know what the word means honestly but it feels right to call it so.I think its beautiful and Sacred the way my lover and I are in our relationship. We tackle reality together, so often unsure and surely frustrated along the way. But in our swirling we make it work, as man and woman, woman and man, yin and yang, yang and yin....
It drives me nuts sometimes but that's alright. Like this last week has been really bonkers. Illusions and emotions.... Reality and reason seeming to slip just out of our grasp every time *shaking my head* And in the midst of that...trying to birth my Soul into myself....yeah...self soul birthing...I'm gonna make that a separate post...
Oh yes, my Beloved and I. I read things occasionally about divine counterparts and twin flames and soul mates and such. The relationship between masculine and feminine energy greatly interests me. I feel that the concept of this is an integral part in all of our lives going much deeper than the simple appearance of "Man" and "Woman" and their connotative roles and meanings. Though I wont really get into info and definitions and such. I'm not very good at textbook explanations. Here is my experience:
My lover and I are like Yin and Yang. This is what I have come to view our interactions as. We are largely opposite in the way we do approach and deal with things. For this reason we are often at arms against each other, thankfully we are conscious enough to see this and thus our exchange never goes past the boiling point into verbal or physical abuse...at least not in any serious sense. Our words tend to bite, being as sharp as we in our debates, and we tend to nudge each other aggressively in some way if it's really bad but...it's all dramatics and side ways looks of knowing in the end. We recognize that we are often on opposite ends of the world, it amazes us both every day that we have managed to make a harmony from this.
Something I have noticed about us is that we tend to go in this cycle every month or so (at least that is my idea, again my figuring of linear time tend to be way off so I am really going off feeling here). I notice lessons come into our lives, the natures of which would be too hard to try to recount with all the intricacies involved and the many of examples. The point is, an issue or issues arise and we each take our stand and beliefs on why it is happening. We battle, as is natural apparently in the resolution of things, and go through a period of time where we feel disconnected (other issues arise from this which we must inevitably push to the side to get the the greater issue). The battling is just a series of weird conversations where we talk around a problem that neither of us seem to be able to grasp the full extent of or articulate properly for the understanding of the other.
At some point we reason to just let it go and stay out of each others way while the string of tension is still sensitive and there's a a period of time where we're just alright. We're not particularly honeymooning deep in love as elves like we usually are nor are we at arms at least...we make serious attempts not to be. This is rather the "Truce." period I suppose where we kinda just say fuck it until whatever piece is missing that will allow the issue to be solved surfaces. At some point, us both weary in our time feeling the energetic separateness and being on opposite sides of the universe we miraculously come to settle into a conversation that allows us both to come to some conclusion about the matter. Then we're at peace, the tension is gone, its awesome. Both parties have articulating their feelings and logic on the matter to some degree of fulfillment and understanding and we're good, on common ground.
Then, things flip...somehow. This is where the image of the yin yang comes to mind. And we find ourselves right back where we started only...on opposite side of experiences. It's like I can see things from the view he once had and he is now seeing the situation as me. An utter perspective change that even bleeds into our dimeaner and characteristics. We even end up using each others words, the very word we used on opposite side to explain ourselves in the first half of this experience. I see each of us in each other, blending and switching for all kinds of reasons. I feel like this happens so that we can resolve things as a whole unit. It is not enough for one to see one way and the other another even if we do find middle ground. No...we must take this experience in full and see each other go through it and view it from our perspective on the outside and also experience each side within ourselves and reflect on it from within.
I'd like to call this interchange Divine...I hardly know what the word means honestly but it feels right to call it so.I think its beautiful and Sacred the way my lover and I are in our relationship. We tackle reality together, so often unsure and surely frustrated along the way. But in our swirling we make it work, as man and woman, woman and man, yin and yang, yang and yin....
It drives me nuts sometimes but that's alright. Like this last week has been really bonkers. Illusions and emotions.... Reality and reason seeming to slip just out of our grasp every time *shaking my head* And in the midst of that...trying to birth my Soul into myself....yeah...self soul birthing...I'm gonna make that a separate post...
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Efflorescence
I plant myself as a seed
to be beckoned by the sun
unfolding into the light as
a blossoming one
Called forth, the pieces
of me, spill over with brilliant
coloring, soft appendages
stretch out for all to experience
The expression of beauty
blessed upon me, this I return
to the world, pouring freely
To inspire as inspiration
hath born me, the essence
of myself comes to forming
The loveliness from which
all flowers bloom, the will
to be buried and then to
grow
The courage to open
what once was closed
to be beckoned by the sun
unfolding into the light as
a blossoming one
Called forth, the pieces
of me, spill over with brilliant
coloring, soft appendages
stretch out for all to experience
The expression of beauty
blessed upon me, this I return
to the world, pouring freely
To inspire as inspiration
hath born me, the essence
of myself comes to forming
The loveliness from which
all flowers bloom, the will
to be buried and then to
grow
The courage to open
what once was closed
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Brisk Walk
I tear off my hood
I wonder why I even bothered
What's a little rain in face? Whats a little
cold wind? I love it all anyway, it's so cleansing
and I need to get out of this mood I'm in.
Let the rain fall over me
Even when I haven't the courage to
fall myself , it will fall anyway, stream down my face
as my tears would and forgive me of my hesitance
May the rain cleanse me of
of such negative things, and the winds
blow through me with their kind forces, comforting
me with a bitter chill, prickling my skin
Fall and lash on this grey Spring
day, embrace me.My heart tones in appreciation
for your company.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Connecting to Creation
For the last two nights I have had dreams about drawing patterns with God in an undefined space. It makes me feel AWSOME >w< My relationship with my Creator has always been very important to me. When I was younger, being raised in a family that believes in Church it led me to trying my hardest to be devout to Christianity though, organized religion never fit right with me. I researched alot of religions and God is referred to by many names. I rather like the name God, though also Creator and Source which I use interchangeably.
It brings me great joy to think about my relationship with my Creator and I have longed to express my feelings about this to others though I have hesitated in doing so for quite the longtime because I didn't wish to seem like some religious nut or new age love freak or something lol these judgments I do not hold on anyone nor do I worry of them being placed on myself any longer. I have felt for quite a while the burning desire to connect with and know the Source of me. In recent days I have found great joy in this journey and my dreams of working with God and making art bring me the utmost of elation!
I wonder among the people I know if anyone else feels things like this and just don't mention them for fear of bringing up the controversy related to sensitive topics like religion. Perhaps I will simply ask them, soon enough :) Just out of curiosity of what they think of course. I have no concrete vision of what should be thought about God or how ones relationship with God should be expressed or anything like that.
What do I feel about God? Well...here is what I have always believed beyond anything I've been taught. I have always felt that God is unconditionally loving. I pictured him as my father (in my youth feeling very connected to the dark I pictured him as darkness and the night), an ever present energy that would embrace me with understanding, guiding whispers and comfort whenever I needed him. the wind was like his arms around me and the moon and stars like twinkling eyes, reminders of him ("him" I use simply for reference for I don't believe that God has any sex beyond how one might perceive him). I always felt that I perceived God through my heart because my heart seemed to be the guiding force of me, physically giving me life and metaphysically holding me strong through all my dark days. Even when I wanted to give up my heart and my father were always there for me, willing me to write or create rather than fall and so art has always been my savior.
I feel that my want to uphold ideas like integrity, honor, balance, justice, patience, unconditional love, kinship, wisdom, and beauty are inspirations that derive from my Creator and thus he too must be of these things or at least wanting of them to exist. These have been great driving forces of my life for which I am wholly grateful.
I cherish all beings and art and life and everything that is has to do with to the point that I am almost constantly at the brink of tears in my reverence of it all. I love my Creator, I love my life, I love my friends, I love the universe and all within it!
This is my extra gay moment for today...To go on much further I'm afraid I'd just start repeating myself and be rambling about how much I love God and everything and everyone cause this is the wave I'm on right now lol So...I'll stop writing for now.
Love and blessings to all. Thanks for reading, If you were here, I'd hug you out of appreciation for sharing this moment with me <3
It brings me great joy to think about my relationship with my Creator and I have longed to express my feelings about this to others though I have hesitated in doing so for quite the longtime because I didn't wish to seem like some religious nut or new age love freak or something lol these judgments I do not hold on anyone nor do I worry of them being placed on myself any longer. I have felt for quite a while the burning desire to connect with and know the Source of me. In recent days I have found great joy in this journey and my dreams of working with God and making art bring me the utmost of elation!
I wonder among the people I know if anyone else feels things like this and just don't mention them for fear of bringing up the controversy related to sensitive topics like religion. Perhaps I will simply ask them, soon enough :) Just out of curiosity of what they think of course. I have no concrete vision of what should be thought about God or how ones relationship with God should be expressed or anything like that.
What do I feel about God? Well...here is what I have always believed beyond anything I've been taught. I have always felt that God is unconditionally loving. I pictured him as my father (in my youth feeling very connected to the dark I pictured him as darkness and the night), an ever present energy that would embrace me with understanding, guiding whispers and comfort whenever I needed him. the wind was like his arms around me and the moon and stars like twinkling eyes, reminders of him ("him" I use simply for reference for I don't believe that God has any sex beyond how one might perceive him). I always felt that I perceived God through my heart because my heart seemed to be the guiding force of me, physically giving me life and metaphysically holding me strong through all my dark days. Even when I wanted to give up my heart and my father were always there for me, willing me to write or create rather than fall and so art has always been my savior.
I feel that my want to uphold ideas like integrity, honor, balance, justice, patience, unconditional love, kinship, wisdom, and beauty are inspirations that derive from my Creator and thus he too must be of these things or at least wanting of them to exist. These have been great driving forces of my life for which I am wholly grateful.
I cherish all beings and art and life and everything that is has to do with to the point that I am almost constantly at the brink of tears in my reverence of it all. I love my Creator, I love my life, I love my friends, I love the universe and all within it!
This is my extra gay moment for today...To go on much further I'm afraid I'd just start repeating myself and be rambling about how much I love God and everything and everyone cause this is the wave I'm on right now lol So...I'll stop writing for now.
Love and blessings to all. Thanks for reading, If you were here, I'd hug you out of appreciation for sharing this moment with me <3
Reflection on my recent development
“Your
eyesight will be tainted by control
Unmask
yourself prepare to fall into giant hands
And know
freedom”
-Hella
4/21/13
Every time
of darkness on the road of death into rebirth is wrought with confusion and
twisted feelings of my insides. On this path I squirm uncomfortably but I walk
on, I refuse to fall. I know at the end there will be another piece of me
unveiled; a puzzle piece that makes all my pains and confusion untwist their
knots and be sewn into sense.
I had a
moment yesterday after my afternoon realizations where I was lying in bed
feeling rather apathetic as I was stripping myself of pointless words, the
words that would bombard my head with judgments of myself, judgments of
everything around me, in constant observation of what I was doing and how it
might appear and the possibilities of what might be going on and if it was okay
and normal and just AH! Everything you can think of. A clear example would be:
I had stood
up to start doing my squats when I spaced out for a while; crying, thinking.
Just standing there under the sun and clouds, not really looking at anything,
not doing anything, just standing and crying silently. I wondered to myself “Is
this okay, me just standing here? I bet if anyone was looking at me right now
they’d think there was something wrong with me. Just standing and crying for a
reason I can even explain. Shouldn’t I know why I’m crying? Does that mean I’m
too blind to see my own feelings? And I’m still just standing here. Am I
stalling so I don’t excercise? Am I being lazy? Is me just standing here for no
reason my sly way of being lazy? Am I keeping myself from knowing the reasons
so I can be lazy? Shouldn’t I be doing something? Excercising or something? I
shouldn’t just be standing here…”
All these thoughts, all those words just made my head hurt.
Just made me feel tense and made me cry even more. Of course I wondered…why am
I doing this to myself? I know there are more feelings within me than I have description
for. I felt like crying, shouldn’t I be free to cry? Does me crying really
require a reason? I mean…who’s watch am I on? I don’t need to understand
everything the moment I experience it. I should feel free to express myself the
way I feel appropriate. And the standing…maybe it was odd but…in this moment
this is where I stood. I was comfortable just standing there, just being in
this moment should be perfectly acceptable no matter if I’m just standing or
sitting or if I was doing some crazy dance! It shouldn’t matter. I was just
being myself, existing, not bothering anyone or anything.
I realize that my only oppressor was myself. Perhaps I am
prone to this over-analyzation and need for control and expectations of instant
understanding because of this demanding reality that I grew up in on planet
earth. Certainly my time here has made me weary of the judgment of others
causing me to place them on myself as well as an instinct of adaption to
survive. However…I’ve realized that these restrictions are illusions. I am under no ones thumb, I need not answer silent expectations.I realize
that I have no need to hide myself or mold myself. Freedom is a way of life and the way that I wish to be.
Now, referring back to this moment I had sitting in my bed
reflecting on these earlier realizations. I was reading through some old
journal entries of one of my dear friends (you know who you are ;) and was
admiring his imaginative description of interactions in his youth with the
ideas depicted as entities of Love, hate, envy and other things. Halfway
through one of the pages I felt…idk…I just felt like collapsing. Perhaps it had
something to do with the entries bringing back memories of the battles of my own
adolescence. In any case, I collapsed face first into the pillow that was in
front of me. Many emotions and thoughts about who I’ve been and who I am and
who I want to be flashed before me. I
thought “I’m so many people. So many emotions. Swirling around in every single
moment…always changing.” I felt like I was drowning. I was uneasy and so complicated it made me
feel like hopeless chaos. It almost made me start crying again when I suddenly
had the idea that “No…wait. I am not these things. I am not all these identities.
I am not all of these emotions and thoughts. I am the creator of all these
identities, the observer of these identities, thoughts and emotions. I adopt these things..."
I looked up, and then I sat up. Yes…this thought felt,
right. There was this feeling of freedom about this thought. The idea that I am
the still axis between these ever coursing things, was a great comfort in this
.It meant that I wasn’t really drowning, it meant that I could observe with a
sense of peace and not be lost as things come to be understood and resolved
because…that which is truly me, is always going to be okay. That which is truly
me is constant, outside of the chaos of constantly spiraling and shifting
energies. There is a place for me to lay my weary head when in need of rest, and it is my Self within me...
I felt like a great weight had been lifted from my
being. I felt this wholly like a fresh,
deep breath filling my body with new life. (I feel this way usually after some
grand epiphany.)
I feel so much better now. It seems much easier to navigate
myself and my life when I am not identifying myself as every passing thought
and feeling and overly scrutinizing every move I make internally and externally.
I find it easier to stay calm and I don’t feel so strained all the time.
I feel like…there is this vast space within me that I have
been trying to sink into only there’s all this debris that I have to sort
through in order to fully embrace it. Maybe it’s my soul? The universe? Both…? I hope so J All I know is that, if
dreaming has taught me anything it’s that you never know for sure what will be
at the other end of the staircase. I just keep walking, step by step,
observing, going with the flow, doing what I feel is right at the time. I
figure that’s the best way to end up where I’m headed…wherever that is lol
I wonder what my next walk of Death will be like >w< What’s the
next hurtle in my personal growth :D
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Dimensional Doll
Why must we
always be breaking?
My limbs
flail about, not understanding
My world
spins around on an axis
There is no
reality or illusion
Not for
long, in my song
My heart is
a music box
I turn, ever
turn
My
appearance shifts in moments
Myriads of
expressions blooming
I break and
I break and I die
Death, yes I
think it so sweet
It fills me
with pain and desire
For what I
have left and what arises
Blending
hues to paint anew
New limbs to
stretch into
On my axis I
observe
How my
expressions tend to blur
My body is
in such disarray, sometimes
From the
pain, and the dying
But I’m
quite fine really, turning
This has
been my life, always
Chiseling at
my frame, the winds
Of my
spinning ever changing the
View point
I’m taking
I love
dancing
I love making
New
creations
For my
Presentation
I love
breaking
Into myself
And finding
Lovely
things
Imaginings
Dresses and
nail polish
Bracelets
and hairstyles
Markings and
colors
The Angst
and the horror
Love and
devotion
Fear and
control
Beauty and
ugliness
Perfection
and flaw
Lovely
things
All such
lovely things
Coming and
going round
The axis of
me
I am the
spinning
I am not
“myself”
I am the
axis
The
perception of
things that
come and go
Of the world
that turns and flows
Do you like
me? I would like you to
Does it matter?
Really, no
I like
myself, and I like the world
It is all
such an interesting show
Unamused
Unamused...
Muse...inspiration
The opposite of which
My attitude towards this:
Forceful exclamation
Loud and blunt
Words words words
Idle pratel
Trying to hold on to
Tangible reality
Trying desperately
To make a statement
Shouting
Trying to be bold
Making a stand
Scream scream
Reason
Thrash thrash
Control
With these words
Exclamations and
Definitions of
What things
“really” are
Unamused, so unamused
What things really
are, need not
Physical volume
They are withstanding
On their own
So why
Why this need to
Scream and shout,
To capitalize and
Be forceful about
What we are about?
I’m tired
Tired and unamused
This…is what
I am
Going through….
“I am” separate
From “going through”
The motion
This is merely
Written observance
Afternoon Realizations
I become tired of the words of my thoughts. I become tired
of words. I feel summoned to something about me…something beyond the means of
my communicating in words. This frustrates me, I realize now, as I long for
guidance. I feel alone, though I know I am not. I am tired of this duality
between myself, of wondering and knowing, of searching and having. They hinder
each other in their bumping. And thus hinder me as I collide into myself. It
makes me want to die.
I crawl into my heart. I sit amongst nature outside. I stand
in the sun and pray that its warmth find me behind the clouds. I sit and
meditate and I cry. I cry for reasons that I don’t understand. I cry for a
reason that cannot be rationalized, because the feeling that fuels them is not
within my understanding to describe. I am not sad, I am not mad, and my only
frustration stems from the wondering of why this is happening to me. Though
truly…what does it matter?
My feelings are what they are, beyond words. They wish to be
left this way, in their truth. I wish to be left to myself, in my truth.
In this longing I wonder of God. God… the energy of all. God…The
controversial name on which many place their many meaning and interpretations.
The God I recognize…is like my emotions. There is no need for definition; there
is only that which it is. This cannot be articulated with justice, for the
justice of it, is not within the ability of labeling, I feel. Names and titles
are merely references to what truly exists. Names and titles are not what exists.
I sit in the grass beneath the clouded sky. The warmth of
sun will not stay with me long. There are too many big puffy clouds. I don’t
wish to curse them, though my desire is that they weren't there. My
desires…have nothing to do with the way things unfold around me, at least, not
always. I think for a moment about cloud busting, though, the idea of
commanding for my will and want alone disturbs me. I leave it be. I don’t wish
to be commanding. I just want to be within that which simply IS. Within myself,
within my place in the universe.
A strange feeling in my chest pinches me. I keep crying…It
makes me wonder why but…I loathe this wondering. I want to shed myself of this
wondering. It makes me want to die because it never seems to be satisfied. I
just want to cry. I just want to feel what arises in me as it is. I wish to
strip myself of my want to label as my means of understanding. I want to be as
free as the tears that stream from my eyes, they are un-needing of reason. Or
perhaps, their reasons are already understood by them without questioning. I
wish to be in this way…to make my spirit naked of questioning and description.
I wish to be beyond words. Merely being, merely an experience.
Friday, April 19, 2013
A humble moment (A memory)
Brown table made of wood
in my kitchen I sit, looking
out of the window
On the other side vibrant
shades of green and blue
Within all, luminescence
A feeling of contentment
Everything is well, in tune
the wind and earth and sky
sing a joyful song
My heart, takes in all
With appreciation I breathe
in gold, with affection my
lips raise a smile
I am acknowledged by
this world, this world
I acknowledge in turn
My heart is fulfilled here
The feeling of Home
in my kitchen I sit, looking
out of the window
On the other side vibrant
shades of green and blue
Within all, luminescence
A feeling of contentment
Everything is well, in tune
the wind and earth and sky
sing a joyful song
My heart, takes in all
With appreciation I breathe
in gold, with affection my
lips raise a smile
I am acknowledged by
this world, this world
I acknowledge in turn
My heart is fulfilled here
The feeling of Home
What is this?
What are you saying?
Calling me...
Pulling me away from time
A vast space within
Stretching through my pores
I keep trying to describe
keep trying to see
I try summoning you
through poetry
This feeling...this feeling
so strange
It's like a veil over my
sight these days
This feeling that I wish to
Go,wish to grow,
wish to flow, wish to unfold
Into something, somewhere...
Into something that
I've known before
Vivid memories race by
In less than a moments time
I know, I know
I feel, I feel
A longing for what, to me,
is real
It's killing me
This want and need
To reach, to remember
to expand
This strange feeling,
if only I could grasp...
Calling me...
Pulling me away from time
A vast space within
Stretching through my pores
I keep trying to describe
keep trying to see
I try summoning you
through poetry
This feeling...this feeling
so strange
It's like a veil over my
sight these days
This feeling that I wish to
Go,wish to grow,
wish to flow, wish to unfold
Into something, somewhere...
Into something that
I've known before
Vivid memories race by
In less than a moments time
I know, I know
I feel, I feel
A longing for what, to me,
is real
It's killing me
This want and need
To reach, to remember
to expand
This strange feeling,
if only I could grasp...
Thursday, April 18, 2013
A Thought Over Flower Essence
I had a moment
Time frame, ambiguous
It could have been
a second or a less
In this moment, I felt
a presence, that led me
to the thought of this:
I've been searching
reaching out, calling
from some distance that
always seemed just too far
In this moment I feel,
that I was wrong
Right here in this moment
was Me. Present in
undefined space
In undefined form
a pure essence
Right here, in this moment
all that I am
That which I had worked
so hard to live up to
and strained my eyes
to see
Has been right here
in this moment
all the time
existing
This ambiguous moment
of undefined space
of unlabeled time
free of all questioning
Right here all along
What seemed so far
Was so simple to reach
Right here
This moment
The essence of Me
Time frame, ambiguous
It could have been
a second or a less
In this moment, I felt
a presence, that led me
to the thought of this:
I've been searching
reaching out, calling
from some distance that
always seemed just too far
In this moment I feel,
that I was wrong
Right here in this moment
was Me. Present in
undefined space
In undefined form
a pure essence
Right here, in this moment
all that I am
That which I had worked
so hard to live up to
and strained my eyes
to see
Has been right here
in this moment
all the time
existing
This ambiguous moment
of undefined space
of unlabeled time
free of all questioning
Right here all along
What seemed so far
Was so simple to reach
Right here
This moment
The essence of Me
A Dream of Purpose
I didn't understand the reasons why people were cruel or had such trouble communicating. I didn't want to believe that I "Just thought I knew everything" like my mom would say but, I tended to feel like I was so much older than everyone around me. I guess you could say I felt wiser than most though I didnt even think of it that way back then. Things just seemed simpler to me. But I began to question myself. Can it be that I am on only reasonable person amongst unreasonable people or am I the truly unreasonable one? Am I delusional Am I missing something?
Doubt led me to reserved observance and as I started to examine myself and my world I fell into a deep depression. The state of my emotional/mental self was a complete jumbled mess that I had no idea how to fix. Fears of loneliness and abandonment I didnt even know why I had. the longing for meaningful interaction with my world and the beings within it completely lacking. My understanding of self and how and my reasons for being painfully out of reach for reasons unknown.Of course...I couldnt articulate this analysis back then. My conscious awareness then and how it had dropped so from my former state of balance and peace is scary and it is certainly a frightening sight from where I stand now.How can one be so numb to their own self?
I fell into a dark persona, apathetic and sarcastic. Always dreaming of death and writings poetries of my bleeding wounds. I fancied myself a dying rose in a sick society full of hate and pain.
Sometime during my grade school years I had a dream. I can't connect it to any specific timeline and so I cant recount exactly if it was during my drowning time but, It was a dream that gave me an idea, an idea about my reason for being.
It started out like a normal day. It was the last day of school and I think I was in my 4th grade classroom. We had a substitute and she got upset at the kids and told everyone to stop eating in the classroom. We were having a party you see, for the last day. I didn't want the fun to be squashed so I said politely and calmly
"But our teacher always lets us eat in the classroom and it's the last day."
And she gets crabby and says
"NO! Don't you talk back to me!"
So I was like
"Come on, you're being unreasonable. I'm just saying..."
And she interrupts me to tell me that she'll just send me to the principles office and writes fervently on a notepad before ripping it off and had it to me. At this point, i'm no longer courteous.
"Fine," I snatch the slip of paper from her hand. "I didn't wanna be here anyway."
So I march out of the room and make my way down the stairs to the office. When I get to the bottom of the staircase however this is where things take their first twist. You see, I am no longer in my school but looking into a busy E.R. I am aware of this. there was no scene skip, no fading out. I am concious of the fact that this logic is weird. IN FACT I even look back to where I came from. the school stairs, still there. Then I turn around. Emergency room.
"Oookay."
Then a doctor rushes to me. Man with black hair and the white lab coat and the whole doctor get up. Peachy white skin, rather handsome ;) Her rushes to me and says hurriedly
"What are you doing down here? You're not suppose to be here!"
He looks very concerned though, very understanding. I have no choice but to be honest and tell him
"Umm, my teacher sent me to the office...?She gave me this note."
and I hand him the slip of paper. He says excitedly
"WHAT?"
and reads over the slip of paper quickly before turning back to me and saying
"Yes! Alright. I know exactly where to go. Follow me."
So I roll with it. What else was there to do really? It was a dream after all. The doctor leads me to an elevator and we start going down. I don't recall us saying anything to each other. Then I had the most horrible thought
It would suck if this elevator just dropped and we got fried on the third rail (yes I know this is a train thing...idk)
Instantly the elevator dropped and very violently. The force of the downward momentum caused the Doctor to crash into the roof of the elevator and he dies. When it hits the ground my face smashes into the electrified rail below and my face fries and then I die and I think
"Dang, I just died. That sucks..."
..."Wait...this is my dream! I don't have to die!
So I get up and walk out of the elevator. Here, the third twist. Before my eyes is now a vast plane with rolling hills of white sand and grey skies.. I walk out into the new place awed..
"Woah...what is this?"
It was too surreal. I started walking towards the right as my sight caught attention to a building off in the distance. I could see some type of facility and was of course curious about what kind of place would be in the middle of the strange desert. As I walk closer I see that it is a whit building, plane and angular. White concrete surface around an outdoor pool and people in white lab coats standing evenly spaced next to each other and parallel to evenly spaced children who were hold on to the edge of the pool and kicking in time together in a steady motion.
Quickly emotions began to well up in me, strong screaming feelings. There was something wrong about this. The people in their white lab-coats writing notes about the children who were just kicking in rhythm Just kicking. Not going anywhere. Not have fun. Not being like kids would be at all.Just kicking and being observed by these sick people in white lab coats writing down their every move!
I was furious! I couldn't take it anymore. This wasn't right! Everything was too bland. There was no color. COLOR! That's it!
That's the idea I came up with and I ran with it. Literally. I just started running and touching the children one by one and one by one their outfits were filled in with vibrant colors and they awoke from thier mindless kicking and started running around and acting like children again. playing and laughing gleefully. I touched everything in sight. The building and everything and the people in white lab coats got really upset. They yelled
"Hey! Stop her! We can't have her doing that!"
They chased me around the pool and tried to stop me and after I had run for so long there was a rainbow ribbon coming from my hand as I led them around the pool, holding on tight to the rainbow, smiling, happy, determined, I led them up a ladder and jumped from the diving board into the waters.
From there I awoke.
What does this mean? Well, I have my ideas. Awakening color within the world, I think...generally that's the message. To this day this is one of my favorite dreams to reminisce over and interpret. It's a memory that I look to when I don't know what else to trust or which way to go. A reminder of my heart beating to the rhythm of who I truly am inside.
A rebel in the face of oppression.
A Soul immortal
A spirit, full of color.
A rebel in the face of oppression.
A Soul immortal
A spirit, full of color.
Silent Whispers
I really skipped past many of the details of my youth for the sake of not making this "Yet another weird teen story" Though, I guess it's kind of like that anyway? Well...I digress. Like many people I've had weird things happen to me that I didn't quite know how to deal with at the time and for quite a while led me to believing that I was crazy. This is part of the oppression of society I now realize, making all that is strange or different unacceptable and wrong to keep the seekers from wandering into new realities. To create the fear of veering to far from a state of "normalcy".
I recall many strange things. Sometimes I would feel the distinct prescence of somone/thing/being that I couldn't see sitting next to me in my bed. I remember curling into a ball under my covers trying to deal with the sitiation calmly as I felt and even saw the bed sink in where the presumed entity would sit:
"Okay, clearly, something is there. Now, what do I wanna do about it? Uhm...how do I feel? Well, it's not doing anything, I don't feel threatened so, I guess it's okay. I'm just...gonna lay here and go to sleep."
I think I owe this moment of calm within terror to my Mom who's stories of her own supernatural experience had made me at least aware of other dimensional activity though, young ignorance and a healthy dose of horror movies had left me ruined within fear. (XD)
All the time I would hear these indistinguishable whispers. I felt like things were trying to talk to me that I couldn't understand and it made me feel absolutely insane. This combined with my isolation during this time and my disorderly mental state made me feel like I was always alone in a small room in an asylum.
During my time with my beloved one these occurances didn't bother me as much.His masculine prescence and love for me I wore as a cloak, even when we were apart. His image in my mind was the pinacle of a knight in shining armor. I felt that his energy was with me always and my love for him was deep. I hardly even paid attention to the matters of whispers and precences to the point of forgetting about them.
There was once day though, that I was laying in bed alone in my room. I was waiting for my beloved to visit and layed back hoping that I wouldn't fall asleep as I was often fatigued due to school and mental stress. When I had slipped into a comfortable relaxtion I heard a voice call out:
"Asia!"
(This is my "real" name you see. Though during this time many of my peers had started to refer to me as Kurai) I sat up, startled.
"What?"
I couldn't believe that I had heard someone call my name so clearly but...it was a clear whisper. It sounded nothing like my mom or brother who I lived with and it felt so close to me, like it could have almost been my own thought. I took myself as either being crazy or that some ghost or something had called out to me. Oddly, I felt no need of fearing it. It seemed harmless yet I always wondered and prayed that it didn't mean that I had lost my mind.
I told my beloved about it when he arrived and he said that it was weird but that he didn't think it meant that I was crazy. Again time went on and the occurance was all but forgotten when, one day as we are lying in bed my beloved tells me that he thought he heard someone call out his name and we both recounted on when it had happened to me. And then stranger still, there was a time when my beloved sat up in bed next to me in blank stare, completely stunned and for a moment even seemed to gasp for breath. I went to him concerned and held to him asking him what was wrong, what had he seen? He told me then that he had seen the image of himself standing over him next to the bed, it was him in exact likeness only he seemed to be in black and white.
It was about this time that I started to question what kind of weirdness was going on in life. Stories about secret societies and indiscriminate whispers are one thing but...that was a real moment he had just had. he saw something...himself...appearing as a black and white image? Was it like...from the past or future? Why would he come appear to himself in that moment in that way? Was it an illusion? Magic? Was someone trying to send him a message or something?
I questioned the weirdness with blissful fantasies. It wouldn't be for another couple years when STRANGE REALITY came to hit me FACE to FACE and make me question everything about my existence. I trudged through many years of adolescent ignorance and awkwardness ruining my life in my constant battle with myself and my struggle to hold on to the dream of my happily ever after with my dear knight while we faced the drama of human interaction and the mundane worries of survival.
It wasn't until a certain "Trip" that my inner pain and misery would take an odd turn into conscious understanding.
I recall many strange things. Sometimes I would feel the distinct prescence of somone/thing/being that I couldn't see sitting next to me in my bed. I remember curling into a ball under my covers trying to deal with the sitiation calmly as I felt and even saw the bed sink in where the presumed entity would sit:
"Okay, clearly, something is there. Now, what do I wanna do about it? Uhm...how do I feel? Well, it's not doing anything, I don't feel threatened so, I guess it's okay. I'm just...gonna lay here and go to sleep."
I think I owe this moment of calm within terror to my Mom who's stories of her own supernatural experience had made me at least aware of other dimensional activity though, young ignorance and a healthy dose of horror movies had left me ruined within fear. (XD)
All the time I would hear these indistinguishable whispers. I felt like things were trying to talk to me that I couldn't understand and it made me feel absolutely insane. This combined with my isolation during this time and my disorderly mental state made me feel like I was always alone in a small room in an asylum.
During my time with my beloved one these occurances didn't bother me as much.His masculine prescence and love for me I wore as a cloak, even when we were apart. His image in my mind was the pinacle of a knight in shining armor. I felt that his energy was with me always and my love for him was deep. I hardly even paid attention to the matters of whispers and precences to the point of forgetting about them.
There was once day though, that I was laying in bed alone in my room. I was waiting for my beloved to visit and layed back hoping that I wouldn't fall asleep as I was often fatigued due to school and mental stress. When I had slipped into a comfortable relaxtion I heard a voice call out:
"Asia!"
(This is my "real" name you see. Though during this time many of my peers had started to refer to me as Kurai) I sat up, startled.
"What?"
I couldn't believe that I had heard someone call my name so clearly but...it was a clear whisper. It sounded nothing like my mom or brother who I lived with and it felt so close to me, like it could have almost been my own thought. I took myself as either being crazy or that some ghost or something had called out to me. Oddly, I felt no need of fearing it. It seemed harmless yet I always wondered and prayed that it didn't mean that I had lost my mind.
I told my beloved about it when he arrived and he said that it was weird but that he didn't think it meant that I was crazy. Again time went on and the occurance was all but forgotten when, one day as we are lying in bed my beloved tells me that he thought he heard someone call out his name and we both recounted on when it had happened to me. And then stranger still, there was a time when my beloved sat up in bed next to me in blank stare, completely stunned and for a moment even seemed to gasp for breath. I went to him concerned and held to him asking him what was wrong, what had he seen? He told me then that he had seen the image of himself standing over him next to the bed, it was him in exact likeness only he seemed to be in black and white.
It was about this time that I started to question what kind of weirdness was going on in life. Stories about secret societies and indiscriminate whispers are one thing but...that was a real moment he had just had. he saw something...himself...appearing as a black and white image? Was it like...from the past or future? Why would he come appear to himself in that moment in that way? Was it an illusion? Magic? Was someone trying to send him a message or something?
I questioned the weirdness with blissful fantasies. It wouldn't be for another couple years when STRANGE REALITY came to hit me FACE to FACE and make me question everything about my existence. I trudged through many years of adolescent ignorance and awkwardness ruining my life in my constant battle with myself and my struggle to hold on to the dream of my happily ever after with my dear knight while we faced the drama of human interaction and the mundane worries of survival.
It wasn't until a certain "Trip" that my inner pain and misery would take an odd turn into conscious understanding.
My Novel Awakening
Still excited from the rush of starting this blog and having the support of my friends to spread the word. Eighteen page views already! From just this morning! I don't know if that counts when I preview it but either way...they couldn't have all been me so, I'm honored and consider myself blessed for it.
I decided to do a little back story, well sort of. "Back" is kind of a weird implication considering my sense of time goes in spirals lol I guess I really just wanted to talk a bit about what my life is/has been like.
Now...how to start...I don't wanna make this drawn out and boring hmm...Well, I suppose I can get the cliche out of the way first and see where it goes from there:
When I was young I couldn't help but notice that I was different from the many people around me... whew! yeah, all that good stuff. I was an old soul,a beautiful soul full of love and creativity and peoples disharmonious ways didn't make sense to me and I didn't make sense to people, was outcasted, nerdy, had very few friends, was picked on, when from innocence to dark sarcasm had my goth, emo stage yada yada yada aaaand BOOM there you have it, the general synopsis of the angst of adolescence here on planet earth.
Now, heres where things get interesting.
I finally meet my long lost love. Oh yes, I am this kind of novel. The guy that I had always dreamed would come and save my heart from the darkness and lead me home to that magical self that I had held on to the belief of existing even in the murkiness of deepest despair. He shows up at my doorstep randomly with another friend of mine. We had dated briefly and I mean VERY briefly a couple times during my awkward stage of adolescence. We seemed to keep bumping into each other but never stuck, until this day. After my other friend leaves my mysterious lover decides to stay and we sit on my front porch in the midst of August sun and...quite unexpectedly...he starts to regale me of tales from a secret supernatural society that he was apparently a part of. He tales these amazing stories of magic and battle and quirky stories about him and his team mates.
Needless to say I was absolutely enthralled by all of this. Not only by his stories which...I couldn't be sure if I should believe them or not but, by the sheer guts I imagined it took to open up to someone you hardly know about such things. I mean, in this world we live in, who the hell would believe someone talking about magical secret societies? Whether he was just trying to impress me or being truly sincere, which he did seem to be, I admired his courage in opening up to me about it. And furthurly, either it was all real, or he had some AMAZING imagination and attention to detail.
In the midst of this occult coming of age novel I managed to sneak him into my parents house, lure him into a game of chess (which I knew that I couldn't play and was simply a ploy to observe him and then pounce on him when I inevitably lost), watch The Covenant (Yeah, I know right?) on cable TV and end up making out in a passion that took us both by surprise. I mean it was INTENSE! I'm talking full movie moment here:
The mysterious love and the young maiden turn thier heads and by fated chance meet at the lips. At slightest touch it was already to late for them to turn away from each other. The sensual dance they had tip toed around all day was now at its boiling point. Lips devoured and toungues thrashed, arms encompassed and bodies intertwined as they fell into each other and consumed each other with no remorse. Only once did a question break thier passion. the mysterious stranger pulls away from the young maiden, looking into her eyes with intense yearning and yet, a curious apprehension.
"What...is this?"
The maiden, completely taken aback by this perfect moment, pushes aside all awkwardness and doubt to respond with novel elegance.
"I...don't know.Passion, I suppose."
The mysterious lover, his eyes searching for answers. The depth of his eyes only confirming and strengthening the intensity of the young maidens fall into love with this perfect man in his perfect moment.
"Is this, okay?"
The young maiden places her hand to his cheek, her gaze just as deep and sincere in response.
"Does it really matter? You and I are here, now, in this passion. I think...that's what matters."
The mysterious lover, eyes darting over the young maidens features agrees and they fall again into their blissful embrace.
-------------------------------
Yes...this really happened this way. And from that day my mysterious lover and I have been inseparable and my life has never been the same. That was about...hmmm...between 5 to 7 years ago linear time I think...Since then I have found myself on a journey filled with every type of weirdness. battling my inner demons, facing the trials of my relationship, becoming a mother, finding myself within conspiracy, spiritual awakening, magic just...every type of unbelievable. For the sake of organization (and perhaps suspense?) I'll let this be the first chapter to the disclosure of my weird existence.
STAY TUNED for Chapter 2! Silent whispers <3
I decided to do a little back story, well sort of. "Back" is kind of a weird implication considering my sense of time goes in spirals lol I guess I really just wanted to talk a bit about what my life is/has been like.
Now...how to start...I don't wanna make this drawn out and boring hmm...Well, I suppose I can get the cliche out of the way first and see where it goes from there:
When I was young I couldn't help but notice that I was different from the many people around me... whew! yeah, all that good stuff. I was an old soul,a beautiful soul full of love and creativity and peoples disharmonious ways didn't make sense to me and I didn't make sense to people, was outcasted, nerdy, had very few friends, was picked on, when from innocence to dark sarcasm had my goth, emo stage yada yada yada aaaand BOOM there you have it, the general synopsis of the angst of adolescence here on planet earth.
Now, heres where things get interesting.
I finally meet my long lost love. Oh yes, I am this kind of novel. The guy that I had always dreamed would come and save my heart from the darkness and lead me home to that magical self that I had held on to the belief of existing even in the murkiness of deepest despair. He shows up at my doorstep randomly with another friend of mine. We had dated briefly and I mean VERY briefly a couple times during my awkward stage of adolescence. We seemed to keep bumping into each other but never stuck, until this day. After my other friend leaves my mysterious lover decides to stay and we sit on my front porch in the midst of August sun and...quite unexpectedly...he starts to regale me of tales from a secret supernatural society that he was apparently a part of. He tales these amazing stories of magic and battle and quirky stories about him and his team mates.
Needless to say I was absolutely enthralled by all of this. Not only by his stories which...I couldn't be sure if I should believe them or not but, by the sheer guts I imagined it took to open up to someone you hardly know about such things. I mean, in this world we live in, who the hell would believe someone talking about magical secret societies? Whether he was just trying to impress me or being truly sincere, which he did seem to be, I admired his courage in opening up to me about it. And furthurly, either it was all real, or he had some AMAZING imagination and attention to detail.
In the midst of this occult coming of age novel I managed to sneak him into my parents house, lure him into a game of chess (which I knew that I couldn't play and was simply a ploy to observe him and then pounce on him when I inevitably lost), watch The Covenant (Yeah, I know right?) on cable TV and end up making out in a passion that took us both by surprise. I mean it was INTENSE! I'm talking full movie moment here:
The mysterious love and the young maiden turn thier heads and by fated chance meet at the lips. At slightest touch it was already to late for them to turn away from each other. The sensual dance they had tip toed around all day was now at its boiling point. Lips devoured and toungues thrashed, arms encompassed and bodies intertwined as they fell into each other and consumed each other with no remorse. Only once did a question break thier passion. the mysterious stranger pulls away from the young maiden, looking into her eyes with intense yearning and yet, a curious apprehension.
"What...is this?"
The maiden, completely taken aback by this perfect moment, pushes aside all awkwardness and doubt to respond with novel elegance.
"I...don't know.Passion, I suppose."
The mysterious lover, his eyes searching for answers. The depth of his eyes only confirming and strengthening the intensity of the young maidens fall into love with this perfect man in his perfect moment.
"Is this, okay?"
The young maiden places her hand to his cheek, her gaze just as deep and sincere in response.
"Does it really matter? You and I are here, now, in this passion. I think...that's what matters."
The mysterious lover, eyes darting over the young maidens features agrees and they fall again into their blissful embrace.
-------------------------------
Yes...this really happened this way. And from that day my mysterious lover and I have been inseparable and my life has never been the same. That was about...hmmm...between 5 to 7 years ago linear time I think...Since then I have found myself on a journey filled with every type of weirdness. battling my inner demons, facing the trials of my relationship, becoming a mother, finding myself within conspiracy, spiritual awakening, magic just...every type of unbelievable. For the sake of organization (and perhaps suspense?) I'll let this be the first chapter to the disclosure of my weird existence.
STAY TUNED for Chapter 2! Silent whispers <3
The interrogation of my Heart
From my heart
spill, spill, spill
Tear me open!
Wait...too violent
Gentle...
Whisper...
I just want to know
whats going on
Give me answers!
Wait...be patient
Urg..I keep getting
up to stand for my
determination
To get to the bottom
of these sensations
To prove that I
am willing to DIG!
But this...is something
different
My heart is not a
fragile essence and will
not suffer disrespecting
Forgive me, oh beating
loveliness for my
pressing questions
Forgiveness
already given
of course...
Now if I could just
approach this more
appropriately
Dear heart please
tell me, what has
thee calling me
through hours and days
through nights
and mornings
Is this another birthing
from within jostling
at my caged ribs
and keeping my mind
on tip toes
awaiting confirmations
from your source?
Indeed,
a new arrival to come
though in truth
it is only Us
New to you only
for now, as you
awaken to our true
sounds
You hear me calling
I call you ever
No message new
Just...
Remember.
spill, spill, spill
Tear me open!
Wait...too violent
Gentle...
Whisper...
I just want to know
whats going on
Give me answers!
Wait...be patient
Urg..I keep getting
up to stand for my
determination
To get to the bottom
of these sensations
To prove that I
am willing to DIG!
But this...is something
different
My heart is not a
fragile essence and will
not suffer disrespecting
Forgive me, oh beating
loveliness for my
pressing questions
Forgiveness
already given
of course...
Now if I could just
approach this more
appropriately
Dear heart please
tell me, what has
thee calling me
through hours and days
through nights
and mornings
Is this another birthing
from within jostling
at my caged ribs
and keeping my mind
on tip toes
awaiting confirmations
from your source?
Indeed,
a new arrival to come
though in truth
it is only Us
New to you only
for now, as you
awaken to our true
sounds
You hear me calling
I call you ever
No message new
Just...
Remember.
Late Night Restlessness
Here we are, again. We, me, I. Up long into the moments of the morning next to the day in which I awoke from the sleep of yesterday. Why? one may ask. Well, that's quite the question there! I am feeeeeling sooomething....weird. I don't know.Lets ask myself...maybe she can articulate it better than I can. So...self, in this first interview constructed impromptu for this blog session would you be so kind as to enlighten us as the the answers of "Why am I awake at this hour?"
Self responds:
The reason we always seem to be awake. In observance of many thoughts and possibilities. From the nudges of feelings deep within arising to our awareness calling out to be answered. This is a very vague answer indeed, but the general reason.
And the more specific reason this night would be?
I am searching for something. Or perhaps I have found something and am dealing with the desire to express what I have found? This, rather feels like the reason. I recall the thoughts that spoke out in saying that I am over thinking my current state and that is why I am in such discomfort; trying to find a problem where there wasn't one, just something swelling up in me to reach out. It's the moments of blindness, the feeling that there's something going on that I cant see or seem to understand, the fear that something is wrong; this is what leads me to such uncertainty that causes this discomfort I realize...
Recently I have gone through much deep DEEP diving within myself for clearing and re-patterning of unhealthy and unsettled strands of my mental, emotional self and have come bursting through as a budding flower stretching out its petals one by one, this flower and also the observer that admires its beauty. At once, this has become my relationship with myself.
I feel that I have lived and died and been reborn much in the recent times of my personal evolution.On this journey I have experienced such beautiful things and yet find myself in such discomfort. It is, I see now, that I wish to share these beautiful things with my fellow beings.
Expression, I have observed to be a very central part of life.The need for it being so strong that whatever wishes to be expressed within us will burst out through our seems in every way possible whether we at the time agree with it or are conscious of it or not. The liquid existence of us bleeds through our pores in every thought, word, gesture, interaction, creation. All reflections of that which seeks to be expressed and experience life; within us, about us, around us.
Life...this word. Hmm...What is life? What does it mean to be living? How does one experience living? Can one experience the experience of living through someone/something else? Would you be aware of it if you were?
Life, experience, expression. I feel these all connect to the reasons why I am awake.
I wonder...why do I stare at all with such wide eyed curiosity and blissful observation? Why does it feel fulfilling to share the experiences of myself with others?
So many questions...so many answers and reasons. So many stories come to mind. I am beside myself really, perhaps too beside myself to focus. (Well thats a bit dramatic, I can always reeeel myself back in >w<) (reel/real) Hmm...?
Anyway...before I get lost amongst the many trains of thought and emotions bursting through me at this very moment I'll attempt to summary this, my first blog post on this, my new blog, by returning to the question of: Why am I awake?
There is so much beauty to be expressed. Life, death, pain, pleasure, arrogance, humbleness...the beauty of the way people turn in their lives, the habits we form, the way we express ourselves, the connections we make. It is all the utmost of interesting to me, this universe and all within it. It's almost an obsession or even a fetish as it arouses a kind of sensual awareness of bliss to be within it all. I feel that I cannot help but to have a great love for it all despite the ups and downs now that I can (again) see past the emotions that use to drive me insane, past the thoughts that would bombard me to know end. Or rather, because I have learned to harmonize with them (again) rather than resisting them and better understand their reasons for being within me allowing me to work with them.In this axis of peace I have rekindled my appreciation for existence as a whole and not merely the parts that are mostly pleasing.
My experiences I wish to share and I think it fulfills me to do so because, I see so much beauty, and beauty I wish to present to the world, to all things that I am blessed to be acknowledged by. Because it feels right to express things from my point of view of the universe and have the connection with others that comes with sharing an experience together.
Communication, yes...I wish to broaden my communication!
Well self...you've done it again. *Shaking my head* You really crack me up you know? You never cease to surprise me with the answers you bring. It merely takes a moment to sit down with you and let you flow.
I'm super nerd style geeked about this blog. I haven't written one for years (I had one when I was like 15 under the name fallenangel254 XD HA! old times, am I right?) And since them I've been through some really weird/surreal/mind blowing/consciousness opening/ perception stretching, awareness awakening....stuff. I'm spilling my heart out here people. Take a sip if you like ;} All are appreciated regardless <3
Till next time...<3
Self responds:
The reason we always seem to be awake. In observance of many thoughts and possibilities. From the nudges of feelings deep within arising to our awareness calling out to be answered. This is a very vague answer indeed, but the general reason.
And the more specific reason this night would be?
I am searching for something. Or perhaps I have found something and am dealing with the desire to express what I have found? This, rather feels like the reason. I recall the thoughts that spoke out in saying that I am over thinking my current state and that is why I am in such discomfort; trying to find a problem where there wasn't one, just something swelling up in me to reach out. It's the moments of blindness, the feeling that there's something going on that I cant see or seem to understand, the fear that something is wrong; this is what leads me to such uncertainty that causes this discomfort I realize...
Recently I have gone through much deep DEEP diving within myself for clearing and re-patterning of unhealthy and unsettled strands of my mental, emotional self and have come bursting through as a budding flower stretching out its petals one by one, this flower and also the observer that admires its beauty. At once, this has become my relationship with myself.
I feel that I have lived and died and been reborn much in the recent times of my personal evolution.On this journey I have experienced such beautiful things and yet find myself in such discomfort. It is, I see now, that I wish to share these beautiful things with my fellow beings.
Expression, I have observed to be a very central part of life.The need for it being so strong that whatever wishes to be expressed within us will burst out through our seems in every way possible whether we at the time agree with it or are conscious of it or not. The liquid existence of us bleeds through our pores in every thought, word, gesture, interaction, creation. All reflections of that which seeks to be expressed and experience life; within us, about us, around us.
Life...this word. Hmm...What is life? What does it mean to be living? How does one experience living? Can one experience the experience of living through someone/something else? Would you be aware of it if you were?
Life, experience, expression. I feel these all connect to the reasons why I am awake.
I wonder...why do I stare at all with such wide eyed curiosity and blissful observation? Why does it feel fulfilling to share the experiences of myself with others?
So many questions...so many answers and reasons. So many stories come to mind. I am beside myself really, perhaps too beside myself to focus. (Well thats a bit dramatic, I can always reeeel myself back in >w<) (reel/real) Hmm...?
Anyway...before I get lost amongst the many trains of thought and emotions bursting through me at this very moment I'll attempt to summary this, my first blog post on this, my new blog, by returning to the question of: Why am I awake?
There is so much beauty to be expressed. Life, death, pain, pleasure, arrogance, humbleness...the beauty of the way people turn in their lives, the habits we form, the way we express ourselves, the connections we make. It is all the utmost of interesting to me, this universe and all within it. It's almost an obsession or even a fetish as it arouses a kind of sensual awareness of bliss to be within it all. I feel that I cannot help but to have a great love for it all despite the ups and downs now that I can (again) see past the emotions that use to drive me insane, past the thoughts that would bombard me to know end. Or rather, because I have learned to harmonize with them (again) rather than resisting them and better understand their reasons for being within me allowing me to work with them.In this axis of peace I have rekindled my appreciation for existence as a whole and not merely the parts that are mostly pleasing.
My experiences I wish to share and I think it fulfills me to do so because, I see so much beauty, and beauty I wish to present to the world, to all things that I am blessed to be acknowledged by. Because it feels right to express things from my point of view of the universe and have the connection with others that comes with sharing an experience together.
Communication, yes...I wish to broaden my communication!
Well self...you've done it again. *Shaking my head* You really crack me up you know? You never cease to surprise me with the answers you bring. It merely takes a moment to sit down with you and let you flow.
I'm super nerd style geeked about this blog. I haven't written one for years (I had one when I was like 15 under the name fallenangel254 XD HA! old times, am I right?) And since them I've been through some really weird/surreal/mind blowing/consciousness opening/ perception stretching, awareness awakening....stuff. I'm spilling my heart out here people. Take a sip if you like ;} All are appreciated regardless <3
Till next time...<3
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