Reflection on my recent development

“Your eyesight will be tainted by control

Unmask yourself prepare to fall into giant hands

And know freedom”

                      -Hella

4/21/13

Every time of darkness on the road of death into rebirth is wrought with confusion and twisted feelings of my insides. On this path I squirm uncomfortably but I walk on, I refuse to fall. I know at the end there will be another piece of me unveiled; a puzzle piece that makes all my pains and confusion untwist their knots and be sewn into sense.

I had a moment yesterday after my afternoon realizations where I was lying in bed feeling rather apathetic as I was stripping myself of pointless words, the words that would bombard my head with judgments of myself, judgments of everything around me, in constant observation of what I was doing and how it might appear and the possibilities of what might be going on and if it was okay and normal and just AH! Everything you can think of. A clear example would be:

I had stood up to start doing my squats when I spaced out for a while; crying, thinking. Just standing there under the sun and clouds, not really looking at anything, not doing anything, just standing and crying silently. I wondered to myself “Is this okay, me just standing here? I bet if anyone was looking at me right now they’d think there was something wrong with me. Just standing and crying for a reason I can even explain. Shouldn’t I know why I’m crying? Does that mean I’m too blind to see my own feelings? And I’m still just standing here. Am I stalling so I don’t excercise? Am I being lazy? Is me just standing here for no reason my sly way of being lazy? Am I keeping myself from knowing the reasons so I can be lazy? Shouldn’t I be doing something? Excercising or something? I shouldn’t just be standing here…”

All these thoughts, all those words just made my head hurt. Just made me feel tense and made me cry even more. Of course I wondered…why am I doing this to myself? I know there are more feelings within me than I have description for. I felt like crying, shouldn’t I be free to cry? Does me crying really require a reason? I mean…who’s watch am I on? I don’t need to understand everything the moment I experience it. I should feel free to express myself the way I feel appropriate. And the standing…maybe it was odd but…in this moment this is where I stood. I was comfortable just standing there, just being in this moment should be perfectly acceptable no matter if I’m just standing or sitting or if I was doing some crazy dance! It shouldn’t matter. I was just being myself, existing, not bothering anyone or anything.

I realize that my only oppressor was myself. Perhaps I am prone to this over-analyzation and need for control and expectations of instant understanding because of this demanding reality that I grew up in on planet earth. Certainly my time here has made me weary of the judgment of others causing me to place them on myself as well as an instinct of adaption to survive. However…I’ve realized that these restrictions are illusions. I am under no ones thumb, I need not answer silent expectations.I realize that I have no need to hide myself or mold myself. Freedom is a way of life and the way that I wish to be.

Now, referring back to this moment I had sitting in my bed reflecting on these earlier realizations. I was reading through some old journal entries of one of my dear friends (you know who you are ;) and was admiring his imaginative description of interactions in his youth with the ideas depicted as entities of Love, hate, envy and other things. Halfway through one of the pages I felt…idk…I just felt like collapsing. Perhaps it had something to do with the entries bringing back memories of the battles of my own adolescence. In any case, I collapsed face first into the pillow that was in front of me. Many emotions and thoughts about who I’ve been and who I am and who I want to be flashed before me.  I thought “I’m so many people. So many emotions. Swirling around in every single moment…always changing.” I felt like I was drowning.  I was uneasy and so complicated it made me feel like hopeless chaos. It almost made me start crying again when I suddenly had the idea that “No…wait. I am not these things. I am not all these identities. I am not all of these emotions and thoughts. I am the creator of all these identities, the observer of these identities, thoughts and emotions. I adopt these things..."

I looked up, and then I sat up. Yes…this thought felt, right. There was this feeling of freedom about this thought. The idea that I am the still axis between these ever coursing things, was a great comfort in this .It meant that I wasn’t really drowning, it meant that I could observe with a sense of peace and not be lost as things come to be understood and resolved because…that which is truly me, is always going to be okay. That which is truly me is constant, outside of the chaos of constantly spiraling and shifting energies. There is a place for me to lay my weary head when in need of rest, and it is my Self within me...

I felt like a great weight had been lifted from my being.  I felt this wholly like a fresh, deep breath filling my body with new life. (I feel this way usually after some grand epiphany.)

I feel so much better now. It seems much easier to navigate myself and my life when I am not identifying myself as every passing thought and feeling and overly scrutinizing every move I make internally and externally. I find it easier to stay calm and I don’t feel so strained all the time.

I feel like…there is this vast space within me that I have been trying to sink into only there’s all this debris that I have to sort through in order to fully embrace it. Maybe it’s my soul? The universe?  Both…? I hope so J All I know is that, if dreaming has taught me anything it’s that you never know for sure what will be at the other end of the staircase. I just keep walking, step by step, observing, going with the flow, doing what I feel is right at the time. I figure that’s the best way to end up where I’m headed…wherever that is lol

I wonder what my next walk  of Death will be like >w< What’s the next hurtle in my personal growth :D