Here we are, again. We, me, I. Up long into the moments of the morning next to the day in which I awoke from the sleep of yesterday. Why? one may ask. Well, that's quite the question there! I am feeeeeling sooomething....weird. I don't know.Lets ask myself...maybe she can articulate it better than I can. So...self, in this first interview constructed impromptu for this blog session would you be so kind as to enlighten us as the the answers of "Why am I awake at this hour?"
Self responds:
The reason we always seem to be awake. In observance of many thoughts and possibilities. From the nudges of feelings deep within arising to our awareness calling out to be answered. This is a very vague answer indeed, but the general reason.
And the more specific reason this night would be?
I am searching for something. Or perhaps I have found something and am dealing with the desire to express what I have found? This, rather feels like the reason. I recall the thoughts that spoke out in saying that I am over thinking my current state and that is why I am in such discomfort; trying to find a problem where there wasn't one, just something swelling up in me to reach out. It's the moments of blindness, the feeling that there's something going on that I cant see or seem to understand, the fear that something is wrong; this is what leads me to such uncertainty that causes this discomfort I realize...
Recently I have gone through much deep DEEP diving within myself for clearing and re-patterning of unhealthy and unsettled strands of my mental, emotional self and have come bursting through as a budding flower stretching out its petals one by one, this flower and also the observer that admires its beauty. At once, this has become my relationship with myself.
I feel that I have lived and died and been reborn much in the recent times of my personal evolution.On this journey I have experienced such beautiful things and yet find myself in such discomfort. It is, I see now, that I wish to share these beautiful things with my fellow beings.
Expression, I have observed to be a very central part of life.The need for it being so strong that whatever wishes to be expressed within us will burst out through our seems in every way possible whether we at the time agree with it or are conscious of it or not. The liquid existence of us bleeds through our pores in every thought, word, gesture, interaction, creation. All reflections of that which seeks to be expressed and experience life; within us, about us, around us.
Life...this word. Hmm...What is life? What does it mean to be living? How does one experience living? Can one experience the experience of living through someone/something else? Would you be aware of it if you were?
Life, experience, expression. I feel these all connect to the reasons why I am awake.
I wonder...why do I stare at all with such wide eyed curiosity and blissful observation? Why does it feel fulfilling to share the experiences of myself with others?
So many questions...so many answers and reasons. So many stories come to mind. I am beside myself really, perhaps too beside myself to focus. (Well thats a bit dramatic, I can always reeeel myself back in >w<) (reel/real) Hmm...?
Anyway...before I get lost amongst the many trains of thought and emotions bursting through me at this very moment I'll attempt to summary this, my first blog post on this, my new blog, by returning to the question of: Why am I awake?
There is so much beauty to be expressed. Life, death, pain, pleasure, arrogance, humbleness...the beauty of the way people turn in their lives, the habits we form, the way we express ourselves, the connections we make. It is all the utmost of interesting to me, this universe and all within it. It's almost an obsession or even a fetish as it arouses a kind of sensual awareness of bliss to be within it all. I feel that I cannot help but to have a great love for it all despite the ups and downs now that I can (again) see past the emotions that use to drive me insane, past the thoughts that would bombard me to know end. Or rather, because I have learned to harmonize with them (again) rather than resisting them and better understand their reasons for being within me allowing me to work with them.In this axis of peace I have rekindled my appreciation for existence as a whole and not merely the parts that are mostly pleasing.
My experiences I wish to share and I think it fulfills me to do so because, I see so much beauty, and beauty I wish to present to the world, to all things that I am blessed to be acknowledged by. Because it feels right to express things from my point of view of the universe and have the connection with others that comes with sharing an experience together.
Communication, yes...I wish to broaden my communication!
Well self...you've done it again. *Shaking my head* You really crack me up you know? You never cease to surprise me with the answers you bring. It merely takes a moment to sit down with you and let you flow.
I'm super nerd style geeked about this blog. I haven't written one for years (I had one when I was like 15 under the name fallenangel254 XD HA! old times, am I right?) And since them I've been through some really weird/surreal/mind blowing/consciousness opening/ perception stretching, awareness awakening....stuff. I'm spilling my heart out here people. Take a sip if you like ;} All are appreciated regardless <3
Till next time...<3
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