A Dream of Purpose

I didn't understand the reasons why people were cruel or had such trouble communicating. I didn't want to believe that I "Just thought I knew everything" like my mom would say but, I tended to feel like I was so much older than everyone around me. I guess you could say I felt wiser than most though I didnt even think of it that way back then. Things just seemed simpler to me. But I began to question myself. Can it be that I am on only reasonable person amongst unreasonable people or am I the truly unreasonable one? Am I delusional  Am I missing something?

Doubt led me to reserved observance and as I started to examine myself and my world I fell into a deep depression. The state of my emotional/mental self was a complete jumbled mess that I had no idea how to fix. Fears of loneliness and abandonment I didnt even know why I had. the longing for meaningful interaction with my world and the beings within it completely lacking. My understanding of self and how and my reasons for being painfully out of reach for reasons unknown.Of course...I couldnt articulate this analysis back then. My conscious awareness then and how it had dropped so from my former state of balance and peace is scary and it is certainly a frightening sight from where I stand now.How can one be so numb to their own self?

I fell into a dark persona, apathetic and sarcastic. Always dreaming of death and writings poetries of my bleeding wounds. I fancied myself a dying rose in a sick society full of hate and pain.

Sometime during my grade school years I had a dream. I can't connect it to any specific timeline and so I cant recount exactly if it was during my drowning time but, It was a dream that gave me an idea, an idea about my reason for being.

It started out like a normal day. It was the last day of school and I think I was in my 4th grade classroom. We had a substitute and she got upset at the kids and told everyone to stop eating in the classroom. We were having a party you see, for the last day. I didn't want the fun to be squashed so I said politely and calmly

"But our teacher always lets us eat in the classroom and it's the last day."

And she gets crabby and says 

"NO! Don't you talk back to me!"

So I was like

"Come on, you're being unreasonable. I'm just saying..."

And she interrupts me to tell me that she'll just send me to the principles office and writes fervently on a notepad before ripping it off and had it to me. At this point, i'm no longer courteous.

"Fine," I snatch the slip of paper from her hand. "I didn't wanna be here anyway."

So I march out of the room and make my way down the stairs to the office. When I get to the bottom of the staircase however this is where things take their first twist. You see, I am no longer in my school but looking into a busy E.R. I am aware of this. there was no scene skip, no fading out. I am concious of the fact that this logic is weird. IN FACT I even look back to where I came from. the school stairs, still there. Then I turn around. Emergency room. 

"Oookay."

Then a doctor rushes to me. Man with black hair and the white lab coat and the whole doctor get up. Peachy white skin, rather handsome ;) Her rushes to me and says hurriedly

 "What are you doing down here? You're not suppose to be here!"

He looks very concerned though, very understanding. I have no choice but to be honest and tell him

"Umm, my teacher sent me to the office...?She gave me this note."

and I hand him the slip of paper. He says excitedly

"WHAT?"

and reads over the slip of paper quickly before turning back to me and saying

"Yes! Alright. I know exactly where to go. Follow me."

So I roll with it. What else was there to do really? It was a dream after all. The doctor leads me to an elevator and we start going down. I don't recall us saying anything to each other. Then I had the most horrible thought 

It would suck if this elevator just dropped and we got fried on the third rail (yes I know this is a train thing...idk) 

Instantly the elevator dropped and very violently. The force of the downward momentum caused the Doctor to crash into the roof of the elevator and he dies. When it hits the ground my face smashes into the electrified rail below and my face fries and then I die and I think

"Dang, I just died. That sucks..."

..."Wait...this is my dream! I don't have to die!

So I get up and walk out of the elevator. Here, the third twist. Before my eyes is now a vast plane with rolling hills of white sand and grey skies.. I walk out into the new place awed..

"Woah...what is this?"

It was too surreal. I started walking towards the right as my sight caught attention to a building off in the distance. I could see some type of facility and was of course curious about what kind of place would be in the middle of the strange desert. As I walk closer I see that it is a whit building, plane and angular. White concrete surface around an outdoor pool and people in white lab coats standing evenly spaced next to each other and parallel to evenly spaced children who were hold on to the edge of the pool and kicking in time together in a steady motion. 

Quickly emotions began to well up in me, strong screaming feelings. There was something wrong about this. The people in their white lab-coats writing notes about the children who were just kicking in rhythm  Just kicking. Not going anywhere. Not have fun. Not being like kids would be at all.Just kicking and being observed by these sick people in white lab coats writing down their every move!

I was furious! I couldn't take it anymore. This wasn't right! Everything was too bland. There was no color. COLOR! That's it!

That's the idea I came up with and I ran with it. Literally. I just started running and touching the children one by one and one by one their outfits were filled in with vibrant colors and they awoke from thier mindless kicking and started running around and acting like children again. playing and laughing gleefully. I touched everything in sight. The building and everything and the people in white lab coats got really upset. They yelled

"Hey! Stop her! We can't have her doing that!"

They chased me around the pool and tried to stop me and after I had run for so long there was a rainbow ribbon coming from my hand as I led them around the pool, holding on tight to the rainbow, smiling, happy, determined, I led them up a ladder and jumped from the diving board into the waters.

From there I awoke.

What does this mean? Well, I have my ideas. Awakening color within the world, I think...generally that's the message. To this day this is one of my favorite dreams to reminisce over and interpret. It's a memory that I look to when I don't know what else to trust or which way to go. A reminder of my heart beating to the rhythm of who I truly am inside.

A rebel in the face of oppression.
A Soul immortal
A spirit, full of color.