Last couple days I've been feeling so odd...so....empty. The frustrating this is this constant back and forth of wanting to complain and knowing it wont help and feeling like I don't know what going on but also feeling of knowing. I feel like it's these repressed emotions I mentioned before. Most apparently pervading are guilt and doubt. I'm constantly feeling a need to say sorry and I have this terrifying, sickening feeling of not understanding whats going on with me and what I should do or not. All the while my heart feels like a heavy crystal, burning somewhere deep down where nothing can reach, clouded by darkness that makes the air feel heavy yet empty..
I got my pendulum today, along with some white sage, an abalone shell and a free gift of green quartz which is all wonderful. Ugh...I'm itching everywhere...this always happens when I'm depressed. Anyway....I had fun getting to know my pendulum and talking to my crystals today. I recognize the answers of the pendulum when it means yes, no, maybe, when its up in the air but leaning towards a yes or a no. It made me very happy to have a session with myself getting some questions answered that have been weighing on me and I got to settle which of my crystals like to be in the sun or the moon and even found that a couple of them need deep cleansing which of course if really good to know.
It also helped me pick out the crystals and numbers that I am feeling most drawn to today. It's seems 3 and 6 are very present and I'm needing of Blue lace agate and my Amethyst today.
Ugh...it feels so hard to do anything...everything feels like it hurts my heart or just makes my body ache to do while i'm this way....Anxiety, pain, restlessness, worry, uncertainty...ugh...i'm not sure if I should work through this or rest...but I think I can no longer write...
I'll be glad when I can move past all this <3
Monday, August 26, 2013
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Noblesse Oblige
I am a young Queen in this place
Relearning of myself
Swimming in the depths I love
For wisdom and knowledge
For beauty and the meaning
Of my own nobility
Noblesse Oblige
I hardly care for the trudges I walk
Filled with mud, disgustingly wrought
As I can pull from the most dense trenches
The loveliness of Soul akin
Noblesse Oblige
To know truly one must be
No wisdom gained without experiencing
And so to be worth my words
In mastery of the art I love
On bended knee I kneel to the universe
And surrender to my lessons
Noblesse Oblige
I can and will make it through all things
Holding to my royalty
A will undying in passion and integrity
To be deserving of the beauty I claim
Verily, Noblesse Oblige
Relearning of myself
Swimming in the depths I love
For wisdom and knowledge
For beauty and the meaning
Of my own nobility
Noblesse Oblige
I hardly care for the trudges I walk
Filled with mud, disgustingly wrought
As I can pull from the most dense trenches
The loveliness of Soul akin
Noblesse Oblige
To know truly one must be
No wisdom gained without experiencing
And so to be worth my words
In mastery of the art I love
On bended knee I kneel to the universe
And surrender to my lessons
Noblesse Oblige
I can and will make it through all things
Holding to my royalty
A will undying in passion and integrity
To be deserving of the beauty I claim
Verily, Noblesse Oblige
A Young Preistess
Currently I'm in a moment of clearing and I've come to recognize that during this time I'm much calmer, very still in the sense of having a distinct sense of balance even as I watch and experience all of my repressed emotions coming to the surface of my being to be expressed or cleared away.
As of very recently (like yesterday) I had the resonation of heart to think of myself as a Priestess. The word has been floating around with a strong presence for a while now, perhaps months most notably. And now that I think of it just now it would also explain why in the past few months I've been strongly drawn to religious and ritualistic practices and feelings urged towards practicing magic and working with my healing abilities.
Well yesterday, since I had this urging I looked up the definition of a priestess that really stuck with me:http://www.wethewomencommunity.com/what-is-a-priestess-and-what-does-she-do.html
I blissful recognition shook me like a flame combustion in my heart. The kind of shiver that if I were less aware of myself I would have been terrified and plagued by doubting to the point of repressing this trigger and disregarding it as a mere strong wishing of imagination. Thankfully I know better than that with myself now, at least enough to recognize when I must push forward past by doubts to reach the next level of comprehension.
Something I've been contemplating...recently I've been noticing that I can envisage things in my mind with much more clarity and definition. It's what I've imagined how a fortune teller looking a crystal ball experiences their visions. One example of this is on an occasion with my lover I closed my eyes and saw in the dark of my minds space, blood splattering. It startled me but I opened my eyes and calmed myself before I could push away the clarity of what I was sensing with questions like "what was that" "god that was disturbing" "whats happening?". Instead the idea became clear to me that my lover was experiencing deep wounds in his subtle bodies. This was later confirmed by further conversation between he and I.
So yes...my contemplation concerns this and asks the question "How do you flourish this ability?" and "How can I use this for myself and others?"
I've decided to buy a pendulum, It will be this Lapis Lazuli pendant I've had my eye on for quite a while now from: http://www.healingcrystals.com/Pendulum_-_Lapis_Lazuli_Sphere_Pendulums.html
And i've also spent much of my days intuitively interpreting numbers and writing my thoughts as well as designing my own scrying table (which I will make somehow I haven't determined yet lol) and ALSO I'll be buying some white sage which according to the wonderful people at healingcrystals.com is very good for long distance aura cleansing so that'll be something that I look forward to doing for people (looking past fears of wondering if anyone would want me to do something like that for them)...Oh dear...those deep seeded repressed feelings *Hugs myself inside and closes my hands over my heart* It'll all be alright <3
That also reminds me that I realized that I have alot of self work to do. Cleansing is a must! VERY deep cleansing...As there are things that have been buried deep in me that I don't wish to interfere with intentions towards anyone else! I am a crystal and just like any crystal before I can assist anyone in healing I must be properly cleansed and charged :) The realization that I must take care of myself by learning to recognize and properly tend to my needs as I cross phases in my life was a freeing one. For a very long time I have settled for too little and have barely sustained or kept myself and my wants and needs in an attempt to avoid the feeling of being in anyone else's way and just in general making sure that everyone else had what they needed and wanted before considering myself, most times not leaving room for myself at all..
The idea is coming to me now that, I've worried alot about whether i'm serving my life purpose "fast" or "efficient" enough and this has created worry and anxiety in me but...A person of any position must be properly trained. The mastery of myself is the only way to ensure that I am upholding the integrity and beauty that I wish to claim as a being. It's okay to take time to take care of myself.
That was a really refreshing burst of light from within myself as I hear these words. What seems so simply spoken has been a long time in waiting for deep recognition, understanding, and practice.
Many wounds being experienced but I am also viewing the birthing and rebirth of many lovely things within myself. All of which, I am grateful for. Crystals and Preistess's and psychic abilities and self knowing and wisdom and healing...yes yes...much much in my life right now <3
Blessings and thank you for reading <3
As of very recently (like yesterday) I had the resonation of heart to think of myself as a Priestess. The word has been floating around with a strong presence for a while now, perhaps months most notably. And now that I think of it just now it would also explain why in the past few months I've been strongly drawn to religious and ritualistic practices and feelings urged towards practicing magic and working with my healing abilities.
Well yesterday, since I had this urging I looked up the definition of a priestess that really stuck with me:http://www.wethewomencommunity.com/what-is-a-priestess-and-what-does-she-do.html
I blissful recognition shook me like a flame combustion in my heart. The kind of shiver that if I were less aware of myself I would have been terrified and plagued by doubting to the point of repressing this trigger and disregarding it as a mere strong wishing of imagination. Thankfully I know better than that with myself now, at least enough to recognize when I must push forward past by doubts to reach the next level of comprehension.
Something I've been contemplating...recently I've been noticing that I can envisage things in my mind with much more clarity and definition. It's what I've imagined how a fortune teller looking a crystal ball experiences their visions. One example of this is on an occasion with my lover I closed my eyes and saw in the dark of my minds space, blood splattering. It startled me but I opened my eyes and calmed myself before I could push away the clarity of what I was sensing with questions like "what was that" "god that was disturbing" "whats happening?". Instead the idea became clear to me that my lover was experiencing deep wounds in his subtle bodies. This was later confirmed by further conversation between he and I.
So yes...my contemplation concerns this and asks the question "How do you flourish this ability?" and "How can I use this for myself and others?"
I've decided to buy a pendulum, It will be this Lapis Lazuli pendant I've had my eye on for quite a while now from: http://www.healingcrystals.com/Pendulum_-_Lapis_Lazuli_Sphere_Pendulums.html
And i've also spent much of my days intuitively interpreting numbers and writing my thoughts as well as designing my own scrying table (which I will make somehow I haven't determined yet lol) and ALSO I'll be buying some white sage which according to the wonderful people at healingcrystals.com is very good for long distance aura cleansing so that'll be something that I look forward to doing for people (looking past fears of wondering if anyone would want me to do something like that for them)...Oh dear...those deep seeded repressed feelings *Hugs myself inside and closes my hands over my heart* It'll all be alright <3
That also reminds me that I realized that I have alot of self work to do. Cleansing is a must! VERY deep cleansing...As there are things that have been buried deep in me that I don't wish to interfere with intentions towards anyone else! I am a crystal and just like any crystal before I can assist anyone in healing I must be properly cleansed and charged :) The realization that I must take care of myself by learning to recognize and properly tend to my needs as I cross phases in my life was a freeing one. For a very long time I have settled for too little and have barely sustained or kept myself and my wants and needs in an attempt to avoid the feeling of being in anyone else's way and just in general making sure that everyone else had what they needed and wanted before considering myself, most times not leaving room for myself at all..
The idea is coming to me now that, I've worried alot about whether i'm serving my life purpose "fast" or "efficient" enough and this has created worry and anxiety in me but...A person of any position must be properly trained. The mastery of myself is the only way to ensure that I am upholding the integrity and beauty that I wish to claim as a being. It's okay to take time to take care of myself.
That was a really refreshing burst of light from within myself as I hear these words. What seems so simply spoken has been a long time in waiting for deep recognition, understanding, and practice.
Many wounds being experienced but I am also viewing the birthing and rebirth of many lovely things within myself. All of which, I am grateful for. Crystals and Preistess's and psychic abilities and self knowing and wisdom and healing...yes yes...much much in my life right now <3
Blessings and thank you for reading <3
Thursday, August 15, 2013
A LOT has happened...
So much so that I sit here before an empty blog post for the first time in FOREVER! and I'm totally unsure of what to say "so to speak" as I know the words are in there somewhere just waiting to be channeled out (which is why I felt an undeniable urging to come post lol)
Yeah see that ^ totally a recognition that is a product of my taking time to "train" my intuition so to speak. In my time away I dove deep into that rabbit hole I've been dying to drop down. I could describe it as a journey into my heart or self realization, bonding with my true self, the universe, and totally getting my wizardry on lol All of those expressions pretty much make the point.
It's been all about experiencing whats happening in the now. "The now" such a common new age term that I feel apprehensive in using it for fear of being "cliché" on the matter but that's really the only way I could think of it. The now, the present. Because I realized that everything I wanted to and needed to know wasn't going to be gained by thinking about "What am I doing" or "What am I suppose to be doing" on a constant basis. My soul knows what I need, and because that can shift on every level and/or within any level of myself with every passing millisecond, my soul keeps up with all of it, past present future, and what it needs from my conscious mind is FOCUS, focus on what my thoughts and feelings are NOW that need to be addressed.
In the last few months I've come to recognize the signs of my psychic abilities Like singing a certain song randomly and then turning on the radio and there it is or picking up on thoughts from those around me, speaking on said "random" thought and hearing "I was JUST thinking about that, I'm glad you said something!" And also I've taken to reading numbers (apparently it's a deep passion of mine :) ) I take the numbers I see anywhere everywhere and I look up their symbolism and other peoples meanings on them and after a while I could see the patterns that were giving me certain messages through repeated number sequences based on my researched knowledge and my intuitive feelings about how the number apply to my current situations. Messages from the realm of spirit that tell me things like "A new door of opportunity has opened up for you to step up to your next level of potential" or "The angels are assisting you in an important time in creation of your life". The last one I took recently from a stream of 111's 22's and 44's that have been appearing.
Omg SO MUCH EMOTIONAL WORK! The mastery of mind and emotion is no joke! Seriously, solitary work of self when you switch the gear from auto pilot to manual is not an endeavor to take lightly. I've watched my world and entire expression of self be turned upside down and trying to make sense out of seemingly no sense in the midst of my own emotional darkness and trying to sort through it. Intentions and actions becoming all mixed up due to feelings of all kinds of fears that I didn't even know were still plaguing me like abandonment, being perceived wrong, being violated just bledding into everything I said and did and the ways I acted...and wow...just so much.
So much pain yet so much strength and understanding gained. I have experienced my own strength of core self shine light from within me as I've gone on healing and understanding more of myself and my relation to all things. Truly it has been amazing beyond my own belief. And now for my nerd moment...
I'M AT THE PART IN MY STORY WHERE I GET TO SEE HOW MY POWERS WORK AND IT'S SO COOL (~OoO)~-*
Haha, love being a magical girl >w< <3
Yeah see that ^ totally a recognition that is a product of my taking time to "train" my intuition so to speak. In my time away I dove deep into that rabbit hole I've been dying to drop down. I could describe it as a journey into my heart or self realization, bonding with my true self, the universe, and totally getting my wizardry on lol All of those expressions pretty much make the point.
It's been all about experiencing whats happening in the now. "The now" such a common new age term that I feel apprehensive in using it for fear of being "cliché" on the matter but that's really the only way I could think of it. The now, the present. Because I realized that everything I wanted to and needed to know wasn't going to be gained by thinking about "What am I doing" or "What am I suppose to be doing" on a constant basis. My soul knows what I need, and because that can shift on every level and/or within any level of myself with every passing millisecond, my soul keeps up with all of it, past present future, and what it needs from my conscious mind is FOCUS, focus on what my thoughts and feelings are NOW that need to be addressed.
In the last few months I've come to recognize the signs of my psychic abilities Like singing a certain song randomly and then turning on the radio and there it is or picking up on thoughts from those around me, speaking on said "random" thought and hearing "I was JUST thinking about that, I'm glad you said something!" And also I've taken to reading numbers (apparently it's a deep passion of mine :) ) I take the numbers I see anywhere everywhere and I look up their symbolism and other peoples meanings on them and after a while I could see the patterns that were giving me certain messages through repeated number sequences based on my researched knowledge and my intuitive feelings about how the number apply to my current situations. Messages from the realm of spirit that tell me things like "A new door of opportunity has opened up for you to step up to your next level of potential" or "The angels are assisting you in an important time in creation of your life". The last one I took recently from a stream of 111's 22's and 44's that have been appearing.
Omg SO MUCH EMOTIONAL WORK! The mastery of mind and emotion is no joke! Seriously, solitary work of self when you switch the gear from auto pilot to manual is not an endeavor to take lightly. I've watched my world and entire expression of self be turned upside down and trying to make sense out of seemingly no sense in the midst of my own emotional darkness and trying to sort through it. Intentions and actions becoming all mixed up due to feelings of all kinds of fears that I didn't even know were still plaguing me like abandonment, being perceived wrong, being violated just bledding into everything I said and did and the ways I acted...and wow...just so much.
So much pain yet so much strength and understanding gained. I have experienced my own strength of core self shine light from within me as I've gone on healing and understanding more of myself and my relation to all things. Truly it has been amazing beyond my own belief. And now for my nerd moment...
I'M AT THE PART IN MY STORY WHERE I GET TO SEE HOW MY POWERS WORK AND IT'S SO COOL (~OoO)~-*
Haha, love being a magical girl >w< <3
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Frustration Cast by Shadow
For the last couple weeks I've been often feeling this sense of discomfort and irritation. Also everything I want to do feels like I have to force myself to have the will to do it and I tend to feel like I'm struggling to get into a comfortable place and like I'm drowning. I don't know whats going on...I'm sure its just another process of learning. I've been hearing much about eclipses and what they bring about in everyone. Integrating the Shadow aspects of ourselves, parts of us that have gone overlooked being brought to light. I definitely feel like this has been happening to me...
It's not always loud and in my face this feeling. It also has felt like an undertone or it will come up during my interaction and observations of people. Things that annoy me, things that make me angry and I just have been trying to figure out what the reasons are behind this feeling being triggered so that it doesn't like...ruin my life lol
I'm going through alot as I've mentioned before. Trying to find a job, working on my art, coming into myself, discovering how I wish to express myself and all...and within this my emotions are very intense and swirly which can make things confusing sometimes.This much I have learned about this particular uneasy feeling so far...It has much to do with words gone unsaid which evolves into insecurities and fears that make me more reactive than interactive. I see it alot in my relationship with my beloved, we've been having way too many arguments for my taste :( and they get so frustrating that I feel hopeless in trying to find common ground within them and its tearing me apart because each argument is an unsolved reoccurring entity that will arise over and over until the whatever pattern is causing this horrible mis-communication is revealed and settled in the proper fashion.
I've been smoking passionflower recently and it has been wonderful during this time in my life. The essence of it is designed to promote a calming of the mind and muscles so you can see why it has been a great ally to me as of late. I know I need to relax and realign with my own harmony if I hope to get through this ashen time and/or solve anything within my life. I see the emotions I've kept hidden or tried to keep in check or act like I wasn't feeling becoming more and more apparent. Things like resentment and jealousy and anger, all for their own reasons and such. I know I'm in need of healing, I feel my wings tickling my shoulder blades to remind me that they are there. I'm also feeling like I need to detox my body physically.
So yeah...really I guess the statement earlier that I don't know whats going on isn't all together true lol Granted I don't understand all of it as it arises but I suppose I understand enough of it to grasp what I'm going through and a general idea of what I need to do. That's all I can ask for really and I'm grateful for that much <3
It's not always loud and in my face this feeling. It also has felt like an undertone or it will come up during my interaction and observations of people. Things that annoy me, things that make me angry and I just have been trying to figure out what the reasons are behind this feeling being triggered so that it doesn't like...ruin my life lol
I'm going through alot as I've mentioned before. Trying to find a job, working on my art, coming into myself, discovering how I wish to express myself and all...and within this my emotions are very intense and swirly which can make things confusing sometimes.This much I have learned about this particular uneasy feeling so far...It has much to do with words gone unsaid which evolves into insecurities and fears that make me more reactive than interactive. I see it alot in my relationship with my beloved, we've been having way too many arguments for my taste :( and they get so frustrating that I feel hopeless in trying to find common ground within them and its tearing me apart because each argument is an unsolved reoccurring entity that will arise over and over until the whatever pattern is causing this horrible mis-communication is revealed and settled in the proper fashion.
I've been smoking passionflower recently and it has been wonderful during this time in my life. The essence of it is designed to promote a calming of the mind and muscles so you can see why it has been a great ally to me as of late. I know I need to relax and realign with my own harmony if I hope to get through this ashen time and/or solve anything within my life. I see the emotions I've kept hidden or tried to keep in check or act like I wasn't feeling becoming more and more apparent. Things like resentment and jealousy and anger, all for their own reasons and such. I know I'm in need of healing, I feel my wings tickling my shoulder blades to remind me that they are there. I'm also feeling like I need to detox my body physically.
So yeah...really I guess the statement earlier that I don't know whats going on isn't all together true lol Granted I don't understand all of it as it arises but I suppose I understand enough of it to grasp what I'm going through and a general idea of what I need to do. That's all I can ask for really and I'm grateful for that much <3
In Such Reverence
My desire for religion
Is my desire to express
my love of God
That which tones in
Everything
Like a lotus unfolding
Does it wish to express the
beauty of the soil from
which it grows?
As I am in efflorescence
the patterns that I am born
from, this is the way of
God, that which my affection
holds close
For every particle of mud
For every shape of bud
For ever shade of blossom
That, which I adore
So the world will be my temple
and so my religion will be
Art, and as my existence
resounds, so too the passion
of my heart
Is my desire to express
my love of God
That which tones in
Everything
Like a lotus unfolding
Does it wish to express the
beauty of the soil from
which it grows?
As I am in efflorescence
the patterns that I am born
from, this is the way of
God, that which my affection
holds close
For every particle of mud
For every shape of bud
For ever shade of blossom
That, which I adore
So the world will be my temple
and so my religion will be
Art, and as my existence
resounds, so too the passion
of my heart
Saturday, May 11, 2013
The Call of Balance within Chaos
I feel like I tend to get excited and impatient especially when writing my blog...sometimes. I have ideas and I feel like I'm rushing to get them out and then in the middle of them I get so hyped that I end up skipping over details that were of key importance when I first viewed them in my minds space. I feel that I could benefit from the putting some focus into embodying the grace of balance, of concentration, of taking the time to be even more thoughtful within my movements both physically and within the metaphysical attributes. To learn to put this into daily practice.
Perhaps I can practice this by putting more effort into detail? Oh yes, I remember this line of thinking from when I became interested in the Mandala, the art of an unfolding interweaving design connected by a unified center. I feel that myself is begging for me to find my way within this idea as it applies to the unfolding of my life. There is so much going on within me, so many emotions felt simultaneously, so many dreams in active within my lives and so much more to be discovered. I find myself at once all of content, of pain and sadness, and of bliss. The axis of my core perceives all of these things as I feel them not one by way or one or another at intervals but yes, as I said, simultaneously even as they seem to be conflicting. Reality is Chaos, but Chaos can also be within balance. This, I firmly believe.
Frustration befalls me, dew springs from my heart through the passage of my eyes that peer upon my world and wonders...What is going on with me? What am I doing with myself? With so many ways to go and so many things I want to do and even with all that I've perhaps "figured out" I still...feel called into...something. It could be the feeling of of wanting to ground these understandings, to put them into practical use within my life. I have this feeling of...not knowing how to do...something...something that is important to me...
Another thing, actually I remember that I wanted to mention is that I notice myself being drawn to religious or disciplinary practices. I recently watched Life of Pi (which is an AMAZING movie by the way, highly reccomended) and this desire was sparked in watching what I suppose is an Indian form of praise dancing? Perhaps sacred dance? I'm not certain of it's name and will have to look it up but it also reminds me of the video which I posted firsthand at the beginning of this blog. It is, in basis, the art of emulating nature to express it's beauty through bodily movement. In the movie the dance instructor at one time speaks sternly to the dancers stressing that they must concentrate to fully express thier love of God...this very much so intrigued me, plucking at a tone on my heart string. As I have spoken a bit about before my perception of God is that it is is Energy, the source of all creation in that energy is all that exists and therefore God is the universe and is expressed within all things as we are created of it. Therefore I think of expressing the love of God as expressing my love for the sacredness of all things within existence, to express the love of the living patterns that make the art of all things...There is an intensely euphoric feeling in this act and in feeling my connection to this; it is a feeling of...serenity, of...divinity that fills my being with an essence of beauty that is for me at this time impossible to describe, the words aforementioned in detail of it being the closest thing to it that I can imagine. It is this level of beauty that I have sought to embody all my life. This beauty that I so love..."Love", and what does that mean to me? After many long years of observation and contemplation I have surmised this: Love is the feeling of acceptance and embracing in wholeness that which one is connected to. Just as I love my lover because we have chosen to accept each other and embrace our relationship through the turning of our lives, through the sunshines and storms of cycling existence. One can now imagine what I mean by Unconditional love, as I have mentioned before. This meaning I have also sought for the truth of all my life, now here, has been satisfied.
Wow...the articulation of this feels amazing.
I am feeling that this post has reached it's comma until a later time. I feel...satisfied with this :) I remember now, there's nothing like a good session of just letting your thoughts flow.You never know where you're gonna end up when you start writing but, you start somewhere and take your time with patience, you listen to what you feel let the words come in, you look over it all and perhaps make some edits and new editions so that when you get to the end and, find yourself exactly where you wanted to be in the way you wanted to be it. Such as it is in life.It always fills me with bliss to sort out my feelings and paint them with appropriate coloring. A poem is on it's way also for anyone that wants to tune into that next post. Again, thank you, for sharing this moment with me. Namaste Inlakech <3
Thursday, May 9, 2013
The scent of Blossoming
Its been about 6 days since my last post and uh... contrary to my original plan I didn't get my manual journal writing done lol Though ambition was not lost on laziness, actually I've been quite busy...erm...in a sense. Mostly I've been hanging out with my friends and just...living. In between that I hardly picked up my pen but the journey into my heart has not halted one bit. More so I feel like I've been seeing the result of this in my actions and decisions and though processes.
Alright so here's a pretty significant leap I've made so far in opening up, embracing myself and unveiling my true nature...
Chilling with friends....Naked O.o YES! Completely nude just playin card games, rock band, drinking the spirits and having a good time! It was about 8 of us, 4 girls 4 guys even and it all started when we were playing drinking games. one of my friends who had to drive home then decided that he was just gonna play for clothes instead of shots and so...needless to say he was the first baring all. After that it rather started this chain reaction of clothes coming off XD The guys were all free about it but you know...us girls and our modesty. Though honestly...I wanted to be naked. I sat there in a bikini top and a skirt for a while, talking about my other friends who wouldnt even take thier tops off when my Beloved shoots me one of his challenging jeers "Kurai, you're talking alot of shit through alot of cotton." Naturally, my mouth shot open wide with offense. He goes on to say "All I'm sayin is that's too much talk while you're being half an example."
My lips pursed in silent retaliation. I had rationalized that I wasn't taken off anything else until someone started showing off some skin with me! I mean girl power you know? Right? Be with me! But...I couldn't deny...that he was right. In truth, I had hardly taken off anything. The bikini top and skirt is kind of an everyday thing for me as I dont like wearing much clothing if I dont have to. So...after some time of consideration and a serious FUCK IT moment, I took it all off. The top, the bottoms... I decided that If I wanted to bring out anything in anyone else I must first embody it myself! (No pun intended). If I wanted to really set an example should really go for it. No shame, no holding back ; and so there it was, out there, me, Young human female body in the RAW! When Everyone noticed there were gasps and laughs and welcoming into team naked :)
Now, you might think that one would need to be eased into this new level of being revealed after living in a world where its not exactly normal to chill with your friends naked and your not in a nudist colony right? But, oddly, I felt no apprehension about it whatsoever. One could ask themselves if it was the alchohal but...baring all honesty...I'd be all for it again anytime. It was such a freeing experience, just being all naturally out there what would usually be hidden of me, just hanging out comfortably with my friends. I painted my nails :D we joked around...then one by one the other girls decided to take it have way and bare chests. And yes...we touched each others breasts XD Actually everyone touched like everyone in some way at some point though, and this may be surprising but, this story does not end up in a hot and steamy orgy. Nope. Just wholesome naked friendly fun.
It was amazing. I felt natural and wonderful and sweet. I draped my netted scarf over me and rubbed my friends back and played in their hair and all I could think about was how we were all such beautiful Gods and Goddesses lounging about each other. It was simply wonderful.
(On a related note here is an article that made its way to my news feed on facebook about the health benefits of being Naked :) http://immortallife.info/articles/entry/nudity-provides-health-benefits-for-your-body-and-brain)
Now uhm, lets see...whaaaat else...ah! This is profound time.*Shakes head slowly* I shall make this transition by introducing a poem. <3
Tears of Phoenix
The dew of the expanding reservoir
overfills at morning light
and streams as the life force
rising from the inner well
to the heaven of minds sight
falling from the gates
into the physical world
ashes wash away as they
cross the scorching shores
the remains of needs lost
of patterns transformed
The cycle of my living and dying continues. As I reach deeper into myself, observing, accepting, remembering what I believe in and who I am, I can see myself being pulled from the overbearing darkness of tension and fear, of apprehension and resistance. The light of me is filled with love, understanding and acceptance. I wish this blessing upon others, and I uphold it within myself. I realized that I can choose to not lose myself in sadness, in fear, in judgment. I feel these things at times yes, I have the thoughts cross the vision of my mind but they are not me. I have a choice as to what I hold within me and what I let effect me. It is true that it can be hard to maintain ones joy in the world as we live in today, amongst the frustration that tends to come with finding ourselves and dealing with inner drama let alone the mundane and the tension that can arise between the interactions of the people around us. Yes, its hard...but, I want to be an example. No...better yet...I want to be an inspiration, much like the whole thing with me baring all before my friends. If I can hope for anyone to see past all the negative that challenges us on this wheel of life and learn to live in the positive with, if not love, at least understanding and acceptance then I will uphold this to the best of my ability.My heart is strong, it had led me through the searing heartaches of my own life to this blessed place of consciousness in which I dwell today and embrace ever deeper with each moment and so, I believe in that strength.
Just yesterday I had a friend visit that I haven't seen for quite some time. We had a very emotional talk, the details of which I hold personally. This talk made me realize alot...among these realizations this: It's so easy to judge people by how they appear, even by what they project. In protecting ourselves and not wanting to be fooled and taken advantage of we've become so quick to judge and fight every thing that seems to be wrong, unfair, senseless in thier actions. Not to say that one should just allow everything but...to resist to the point of distancing ones self so much that there is no room for expressing compassion? for considering the plight of another? So much as to lose respect for all the SHIT they've made it through as best they could just like we all have? When people fall short in your eyes...it's because you feel like you're above them whether you want to admit it or not. As one who views all as equals you find the reasonable boundaries without pushing feelings of empathy to the way side and viewing everything from the guideline of JUST your feelings and how how it just affects/effects YOU.
We're all here in this wheel of life you know? We all have our myriad of expression and ways of beings. Acceptance is about looking at whats real, that we're all individuals with individual experiences and trials of pain and moments of flaw. We all have our skills and our quirks. Hardly anything is "normal" you know? There is much more to be experienced than what is expected and theres nothing to be done about that. everythings not always gonna be how we imagine or want it, everyone is not going to conform to our views or grow as fast or in the way we want. And thats just fucking okay. I'm using really strong language because GODDAMMIT thats how I feel like expressing myself in this moment and THATS OKAY!
Some key themes for myself this weak have been:
Alright so here's a pretty significant leap I've made so far in opening up, embracing myself and unveiling my true nature...
Chilling with friends....Naked O.o YES! Completely nude just playin card games, rock band, drinking the spirits and having a good time! It was about 8 of us, 4 girls 4 guys even and it all started when we were playing drinking games. one of my friends who had to drive home then decided that he was just gonna play for clothes instead of shots and so...needless to say he was the first baring all. After that it rather started this chain reaction of clothes coming off XD The guys were all free about it but you know...us girls and our modesty. Though honestly...I wanted to be naked. I sat there in a bikini top and a skirt for a while, talking about my other friends who wouldnt even take thier tops off when my Beloved shoots me one of his challenging jeers "Kurai, you're talking alot of shit through alot of cotton." Naturally, my mouth shot open wide with offense. He goes on to say "All I'm sayin is that's too much talk while you're being half an example."
My lips pursed in silent retaliation. I had rationalized that I wasn't taken off anything else until someone started showing off some skin with me! I mean girl power you know? Right? Be with me! But...I couldn't deny...that he was right. In truth, I had hardly taken off anything. The bikini top and skirt is kind of an everyday thing for me as I dont like wearing much clothing if I dont have to. So...after some time of consideration and a serious FUCK IT moment, I took it all off. The top, the bottoms... I decided that If I wanted to bring out anything in anyone else I must first embody it myself! (No pun intended). If I wanted to really set an example should really go for it. No shame, no holding back ; and so there it was, out there, me, Young human female body in the RAW! When Everyone noticed there were gasps and laughs and welcoming into team naked :)
Now, you might think that one would need to be eased into this new level of being revealed after living in a world where its not exactly normal to chill with your friends naked and your not in a nudist colony right? But, oddly, I felt no apprehension about it whatsoever. One could ask themselves if it was the alchohal but...baring all honesty...I'd be all for it again anytime. It was such a freeing experience, just being all naturally out there what would usually be hidden of me, just hanging out comfortably with my friends. I painted my nails :D we joked around...then one by one the other girls decided to take it have way and bare chests. And yes...we touched each others breasts XD Actually everyone touched like everyone in some way at some point though, and this may be surprising but, this story does not end up in a hot and steamy orgy. Nope. Just wholesome naked friendly fun.
It was amazing. I felt natural and wonderful and sweet. I draped my netted scarf over me and rubbed my friends back and played in their hair and all I could think about was how we were all such beautiful Gods and Goddesses lounging about each other. It was simply wonderful.
(On a related note here is an article that made its way to my news feed on facebook about the health benefits of being Naked :) http://immortallife.info/articles/entry/nudity-provides-health-benefits-for-your-body-and-brain)
Now uhm, lets see...whaaaat else...ah! This is profound time.*Shakes head slowly* I shall make this transition by introducing a poem. <3
Tears of Phoenix
The dew of the expanding reservoir
overfills at morning light
and streams as the life force
rising from the inner well
to the heaven of minds sight
falling from the gates
into the physical world
ashes wash away as they
cross the scorching shores
the remains of needs lost
of patterns transformed
The cycle of my living and dying continues. As I reach deeper into myself, observing, accepting, remembering what I believe in and who I am, I can see myself being pulled from the overbearing darkness of tension and fear, of apprehension and resistance. The light of me is filled with love, understanding and acceptance. I wish this blessing upon others, and I uphold it within myself. I realized that I can choose to not lose myself in sadness, in fear, in judgment. I feel these things at times yes, I have the thoughts cross the vision of my mind but they are not me. I have a choice as to what I hold within me and what I let effect me. It is true that it can be hard to maintain ones joy in the world as we live in today, amongst the frustration that tends to come with finding ourselves and dealing with inner drama let alone the mundane and the tension that can arise between the interactions of the people around us. Yes, its hard...but, I want to be an example. No...better yet...I want to be an inspiration, much like the whole thing with me baring all before my friends. If I can hope for anyone to see past all the negative that challenges us on this wheel of life and learn to live in the positive with, if not love, at least understanding and acceptance then I will uphold this to the best of my ability.My heart is strong, it had led me through the searing heartaches of my own life to this blessed place of consciousness in which I dwell today and embrace ever deeper with each moment and so, I believe in that strength.
Just yesterday I had a friend visit that I haven't seen for quite some time. We had a very emotional talk, the details of which I hold personally. This talk made me realize alot...among these realizations this: It's so easy to judge people by how they appear, even by what they project. In protecting ourselves and not wanting to be fooled and taken advantage of we've become so quick to judge and fight every thing that seems to be wrong, unfair, senseless in thier actions. Not to say that one should just allow everything but...to resist to the point of distancing ones self so much that there is no room for expressing compassion? for considering the plight of another? So much as to lose respect for all the SHIT they've made it through as best they could just like we all have? When people fall short in your eyes...it's because you feel like you're above them whether you want to admit it or not. As one who views all as equals you find the reasonable boundaries without pushing feelings of empathy to the way side and viewing everything from the guideline of JUST your feelings and how how it just affects/effects YOU.
We're all here in this wheel of life you know? We all have our myriad of expression and ways of beings. Acceptance is about looking at whats real, that we're all individuals with individual experiences and trials of pain and moments of flaw. We all have our skills and our quirks. Hardly anything is "normal" you know? There is much more to be experienced than what is expected and theres nothing to be done about that. everythings not always gonna be how we imagine or want it, everyone is not going to conform to our views or grow as fast or in the way we want. And thats just fucking okay. I'm using really strong language because GODDAMMIT thats how I feel like expressing myself in this moment and THATS OKAY!
Some key themes for myself this weak have been:
- Standing in my own beliefs
- Embodying in full what I believe
- Accepting the truth of myself and others
- Embracing my experience of life to the fullest
- Healing old wounds
- Releasing disharmonious habits
I feel like there was so much more to write but...perhaps this is enough for now :) Basically I'm just living me.I look forward to coming back with more poetries and hopefully better articulations of my profound journey of self as I observe the world! (Yeah, I'm really nerding it up over here, go ahead and laugh...seriously...get a good one going or at least a smile :D XD)
As a proper ending I'd like to leave this video that was shared to me that I really resonate with. Its starts out by painting the picture of 3 fish in the sea, an old fish swims by and says "Morning boys, enjoy the water?" and when he leaves, one kid looks at the other and says "What the Hell is water?" The theme of it really ties into what I was talking about when it comes to getting frustrated in every day life and how it can be so easy to judge people when we dont think about what thier lives are like and what they have to deal with . Its about awareness...how some of the most important things that drive our existence are the hardest to see even though their right in front of our faces, even though we swim in it every day.
I hope you'll check it out and enjoy. In any case, love and blessings. Sincerely yours <3
Friday, May 3, 2013
Relax, Accept, Focus
5/3/2013
After deciding to focus on journeying into my heart to open it and receive the truth of my whole multidimensional self I had a dream. I don't remember all of what happened before this moment in the dream that I am about to recount but I feel that this moment is very important because I feel that it has something to do with moving through thresholds of awareness. I've had moments in my dreams like this before and it was very reassuring that I had this one because it means that I am focused in the right direction.
I was at my grandmothers house standing in the kitchen by the laundry room door. There wasn't much lighting so the atmosphere was dim. I was just standing there when I thought "Remember, we wanted to focus." (though looking back on it it was more so a feeling than a thought in words.) So, I was like, right...and closed my eyes so that I could fall into a meditative state. This seemed to happen rather quickly and soon I felt like I was shifting out of the shape of my body. Though I was still aware of my body standing still, I felt that my being was more like a blob of shifting abstract space. When I felt the top of me shifting out of the mold of my physical face I started to get scared and panic (for some reason I have this weird fear of losing my facial structure and not being able to see through my eyes :/) Then I though "No, relax. This is okay, we've felt this before remember? Just focus, let things flow naturally, smoothly." Imagine the expression of a nod as this is what I felt like as I acknowledged this thought. "Right," I remembered "seeing in a different way doesn't mean I have to be frightened. Embrace it."As I thought this my awareness started to open up, I started to see the kitchen again though I had no eyes to open, and I could feel myself expanding kind of like I was leaking out of my physical body into the atmosphere.
Then, I was no longer in the kitchen, things were dark again like when I had first closed my eyes only this wasn't complete darkness. Noticeable there were specks of color everywhere in this darkness. (It brings to mind the image of space). I'm not sure but I feel like this area has something to do with my conscious mind space. It's like a viewing area for incoming images. After becoming aware that I was in this place I saw something starting to form. I became excited "Oh my God! I'm seeing something!" I was elated to be in this place again, viewing something "out of the norm", something that was possibly cosmically awesome or had some clue as to my inter dimensional expressions or some secrets of the universe finally unveiled for me to see! I reminded myself again to stay calm and focus. I didn't want my excitement to interfere with the vision unfolding.
I start to see the image of a hand form out of pink particles of energy. It was a left hand, the fingers long and slender with mature definition. It was holding a pen a pen, it was writing something. I became excited again seeing the image come to form, but somewhere around the wrist the idea seemed to shock me that this hand could turn into a whole body and that I could be frightened by this embodied image. Instantly I knew that this fear would cause the image to slip away as prior experience in these types of dreams has taught me that is this realm of reality the cause and effect of thought and emotions is instantaneous, the truth of what you feel will show in the way the environment reacts to you. Not being able to help myself I panicked, not even at the thought of the image but at the idea of losing the image before I had really begun to see anything, all the while thinking "No, no, no, don't be scared, focus, calm down, hold it!" but it was already too late, the image slipped away quickly like a receding tide.
I sighed, disappointed but not discouraged. "At least, I made it here. Now, I just have to remember how I got here and try this again.Hold focus next time..." I recalled having this thought the last time I had a dream like this, and the same when I had fallen into this meditative state and received that message from one of my Selves that I didn't hear the end of, the one where she told me to stay strong and show my true...whatever she was going to say after that. And just like those times I awake just after becoming aware that I had hopelessly lost my focus.
Slipping into this state initially feels like that moment just when you realize that you are slipping into a deep sleep. You feel yourself embraced by calm and you surrender to slipping away into this blissful state. I couldn't say how you become conscious after entering this threshold. Perhaps it was my will and intention to focus on being conscious in my dreaming before going to sleep, my want to experience more while I'm asleep that allowed me to wake within these dreams. I believe that must be it.
I really want to explore this experience more. I have had experiences like this on and off but I would like to expand my awareness with more constancy. My greatest struggle in this is learning to relax, focus and release the fear that always pulls me away from these enlightening moments. I've decided that as a part of this determination that I will write daily about my experiences within and take my journal with me when I go outside for my meditation sessions so that I can record how I feel and my progress.
The opening of my heart and the welcoming of my selves into myself must be done through a medium that speaks to who I am and the way that I naturally express my self. What does this mean? It's time to get earnest about writing as I journey into my heart space!
After deciding to focus on journeying into my heart to open it and receive the truth of my whole multidimensional self I had a dream. I don't remember all of what happened before this moment in the dream that I am about to recount but I feel that this moment is very important because I feel that it has something to do with moving through thresholds of awareness. I've had moments in my dreams like this before and it was very reassuring that I had this one because it means that I am focused in the right direction.
I was at my grandmothers house standing in the kitchen by the laundry room door. There wasn't much lighting so the atmosphere was dim. I was just standing there when I thought "Remember, we wanted to focus." (though looking back on it it was more so a feeling than a thought in words.) So, I was like, right...and closed my eyes so that I could fall into a meditative state. This seemed to happen rather quickly and soon I felt like I was shifting out of the shape of my body. Though I was still aware of my body standing still, I felt that my being was more like a blob of shifting abstract space. When I felt the top of me shifting out of the mold of my physical face I started to get scared and panic (for some reason I have this weird fear of losing my facial structure and not being able to see through my eyes :/) Then I though "No, relax. This is okay, we've felt this before remember? Just focus, let things flow naturally, smoothly." Imagine the expression of a nod as this is what I felt like as I acknowledged this thought. "Right," I remembered "seeing in a different way doesn't mean I have to be frightened. Embrace it."As I thought this my awareness started to open up, I started to see the kitchen again though I had no eyes to open, and I could feel myself expanding kind of like I was leaking out of my physical body into the atmosphere.
Then, I was no longer in the kitchen, things were dark again like when I had first closed my eyes only this wasn't complete darkness. Noticeable there were specks of color everywhere in this darkness. (It brings to mind the image of space). I'm not sure but I feel like this area has something to do with my conscious mind space. It's like a viewing area for incoming images. After becoming aware that I was in this place I saw something starting to form. I became excited "Oh my God! I'm seeing something!" I was elated to be in this place again, viewing something "out of the norm", something that was possibly cosmically awesome or had some clue as to my inter dimensional expressions or some secrets of the universe finally unveiled for me to see! I reminded myself again to stay calm and focus. I didn't want my excitement to interfere with the vision unfolding.
I start to see the image of a hand form out of pink particles of energy. It was a left hand, the fingers long and slender with mature definition. It was holding a pen a pen, it was writing something. I became excited again seeing the image come to form, but somewhere around the wrist the idea seemed to shock me that this hand could turn into a whole body and that I could be frightened by this embodied image. Instantly I knew that this fear would cause the image to slip away as prior experience in these types of dreams has taught me that is this realm of reality the cause and effect of thought and emotions is instantaneous, the truth of what you feel will show in the way the environment reacts to you. Not being able to help myself I panicked, not even at the thought of the image but at the idea of losing the image before I had really begun to see anything, all the while thinking "No, no, no, don't be scared, focus, calm down, hold it!" but it was already too late, the image slipped away quickly like a receding tide.
I sighed, disappointed but not discouraged. "At least, I made it here. Now, I just have to remember how I got here and try this again.Hold focus next time..." I recalled having this thought the last time I had a dream like this, and the same when I had fallen into this meditative state and received that message from one of my Selves that I didn't hear the end of, the one where she told me to stay strong and show my true...whatever she was going to say after that. And just like those times I awake just after becoming aware that I had hopelessly lost my focus.
Slipping into this state initially feels like that moment just when you realize that you are slipping into a deep sleep. You feel yourself embraced by calm and you surrender to slipping away into this blissful state. I couldn't say how you become conscious after entering this threshold. Perhaps it was my will and intention to focus on being conscious in my dreaming before going to sleep, my want to experience more while I'm asleep that allowed me to wake within these dreams. I believe that must be it.
I really want to explore this experience more. I have had experiences like this on and off but I would like to expand my awareness with more constancy. My greatest struggle in this is learning to relax, focus and release the fear that always pulls me away from these enlightening moments. I've decided that as a part of this determination that I will write daily about my experiences within and take my journal with me when I go outside for my meditation sessions so that I can record how I feel and my progress.
The opening of my heart and the welcoming of my selves into myself must be done through a medium that speaks to who I am and the way that I naturally express my self. What does this mean? It's time to get earnest about writing as I journey into my heart space!
I can feel myself opening up
becoming more accepting of all
beings and all experience
It is a discipline to be able to
see past and move through such
muddy emotions that apprehension
and resistance are born from
I want more, I can do better
I am willing to reach out
I am willing to speak
May all the forces of the universe
be with me as I make this journey
on Earth to embrace my true nature
<3
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Passage to my Selves
Since I started this blog I've been sitting at the computer and writing these thoughts straight to my blog. Though I also have a personal journal at home that I have been slacking in writing in. I've decided that I should spend more time in intimate space with myself and my pen as writing has always been my medium for bringing myself forward. This inspiration came to me after reading some posts from one of my favorite blogs: Awakening with Suzanne Lie. This post is taken from my writings during and after my afternoon meditation.
5/2/2013
Let this be a new chapter. I wish to be full. I open myself to the resonance of my selves May the Light shine through the fears that surround my heart and release me from the darkness of separation. The light is me.
Why am I wondering of Me
when I am right here
I see now how my spirit
Is born of the love of many
I tread this path
on silky galaxies
my footsteps placed
at many many lengths
It is my greatest anticipation
to be unveiled
stripped into nakedness
before myself
I am on a journey of SELF in service to all that I love.
Getting past the feelings of being wrong, of not being good enough, in general inadequacy
I don't need to validate myself, myself is valid
I look inward to face the truth beyond my apprehensions
I am strong, I am capable, myself is with me, I am safe
I am not lost, I am here
To be Multidimensional....
Somehow the feeling that I am both human and other things eluded me for so long because from my perception I thought that there was a choice, that one answer was right and one was wrong. I viewed my selves as separate and yet I wondered why the answer felt so far out of my grasp.
Well, I am beyond tired of struggling in this illusion. I am sticking my feet in the waters of wholeness and praying and trusting that as I tread my fears and doubts will be washed away, step by step.
In my wanting to be precise and pay proper respect to individual truth I struggled between wanting to claim things and not knowing what I had a right to claim (about myself). I have a terrible habit of over thinking things...it is one of my most difficult attributes to see past when I am working on my spiritual, mental, emotional self. Why would I not have a right to claim myself? Because I feel that I have not earned the attributes about myself that I imagine? Because I am afraid that my other dimensional selves prefer to be acknowledged as separate? Because I am afraid that we are separate or will be separated and that I will not be able to share experiences with them? That my concious earth being will be left alone in isolation from a mystical multi dimensional world? Wow...yes...all of that.
I am human, and I also exist other places. My spirit, my personal expression is a piece beside many pieces and of grander pieces of myself and all that exists. I feel that this is true.
I feel like this has been one of my greatest struggles...articulating and trying to move past these feelings of separation, of feeling that I've been missing out on so much of me. Sometimes I would close up and make exuses for why I felt this way and what it really meant and feel terrible as I started to deny my connection to all the ideas and magical imaginings that i felt were a part of me. Out of my fear of being wrong because my experiences have yet to become as clear, extensive, reoccurring or vivid as others.
I see now how petty emotions have blocked my vision. Now, I am breathing and releasing.
~~~~
I recall many voices over my time of awakening becoming clear enough for me to hear. In my times of doubt and fear there were dark beings saying not so nice things, and in my times of meditation, calm, joy I could hear the voices of those who I refer to as my family, encouraging words the would speak like reminders to Believe, speakings of love, reminders of who I am. I remember once a sweet voice saying to me "You're a very sensitive being Kurai,don't resist." and on one occasion of meditation there were many voices that seemed to be singing and cheering me on saying things like "It's time to wake up" "If anyone can do it you can" "We love you" "We believe in you." I cried this day, my heart overfilling with what I could only describe as unconditional love.
Memories of those voices, melodies, messages are of my fondest. Stories that I have painfully pushed away in suspicion and doubt for longer than I can stand any longer. I see now that my reality has many axis. That my truth depends on the decisions I make and that what I can perceive of this is what I can resonate with at the time. With this understanding I no longer need to doubt my beautifully (un)believable experiences. This makes me very happy, for obvious reason.
When I am in fear, I am blinded
When I am in my heart I know
that I attract what I hold inside
I choose truth and Love
<3
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Settling Into my Life
I feel like my blog looks silly...I don't know. Perhaps that is only my worry that I sound like a deranged lunatic or hyped up hippie with an overactive imagination or something...idk. That fear of others perceiving me as crazy and unreasonable is something I'm still shaking off. Sometimes I still get caught up in worrying what other people think because of my want to connect and relate to people. But of course, taking a lesson from my last posts I realize that the whole goal of this blog was to express my true self, nothing more or less.
So...moving on from that...I've been feeling really drained the last couple of days. Maybe it's all my personal reflection? These things I write about, I wonder if they sound like I've just GOT it like the realization was so easy or even fully held within my understanding but things tend to be articulated in words that one has yet to feel the truth of which means that there is a journey in between of figuring out how to transform such knowledge into wisdom.
I've been playing out in my head every weird experience, every voice and message that has left me wondering who I am, whos talking to me and where I'm from, trying to put pieces together. My fear is that my ever wanting to belong has led me to falling into some illusion rather than just feeling called to something. That my experiences are all of my own making with no such interesting story behind them as being communicated with from other dimensions or selves.
Though I see many people going through such odd things during this time that I still believe is a period of Awakening for many of us and many having just as much awkwardness and the same fears in articulating this as I do.
I sunk into a very contemplative mood yesterday and have been rather riding that vibe ever since. After feeling my need to label myself as an Earthling or otherwise some other species from some other place drop into the pit "unecessary things" I stepped into overview of the situation. I then realized that my angst in wondering of this truth that stemmed from my desire to find the reasons why I am unique. This desire can cause one to seek such validation by separating themselves from the majority. So I didn't want to be on Earth and be "human" as was typical. I wanted the truth to be that I find out that I'm from some other world. Proof of how different I am. This wanting causes anxiousness and the fear of the truth not being what one wants.
I'm content now with the idea that I will find my answers one day. Freely I imagine how my story would play out either way. I am content with and grateful for the supernatural occurances in my life that have made my life the magical adventure I've always wanted eventhough they often leave me confused and wondering of things that I cannot yet know. I am happy to be experiencing all that I am going through on my journey of life and with watching my life unfold. I wonder what abilities I posses...what it is that makes me unique as an individual. I suppose I'll find out over time. Right now, I am happy experiencing everything as it is to the fullest <3
So...moving on from that...I've been feeling really drained the last couple of days. Maybe it's all my personal reflection? These things I write about, I wonder if they sound like I've just GOT it like the realization was so easy or even fully held within my understanding but things tend to be articulated in words that one has yet to feel the truth of which means that there is a journey in between of figuring out how to transform such knowledge into wisdom.
I've been playing out in my head every weird experience, every voice and message that has left me wondering who I am, whos talking to me and where I'm from, trying to put pieces together. My fear is that my ever wanting to belong has led me to falling into some illusion rather than just feeling called to something. That my experiences are all of my own making with no such interesting story behind them as being communicated with from other dimensions or selves.
Though I see many people going through such odd things during this time that I still believe is a period of Awakening for many of us and many having just as much awkwardness and the same fears in articulating this as I do.
I sunk into a very contemplative mood yesterday and have been rather riding that vibe ever since. After feeling my need to label myself as an Earthling or otherwise some other species from some other place drop into the pit "unecessary things" I stepped into overview of the situation. I then realized that my angst in wondering of this truth that stemmed from my desire to find the reasons why I am unique. This desire can cause one to seek such validation by separating themselves from the majority. So I didn't want to be on Earth and be "human" as was typical. I wanted the truth to be that I find out that I'm from some other world. Proof of how different I am. This wanting causes anxiousness and the fear of the truth not being what one wants.
I'm content now with the idea that I will find my answers one day. Freely I imagine how my story would play out either way. I am content with and grateful for the supernatural occurances in my life that have made my life the magical adventure I've always wanted eventhough they often leave me confused and wondering of things that I cannot yet know. I am happy to be experiencing all that I am going through on my journey of life and with watching my life unfold. I wonder what abilities I posses...what it is that makes me unique as an individual. I suppose I'll find out over time. Right now, I am happy experiencing everything as it is to the fullest <3
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Stretching my Limbs
I feel like I should always write a reflection after I've written a post about an issue while in the emotions of it, I feel like I get so dramatic and I always miss out on things I really wanted to say lol Thats part of the transparency of the disclosure of my life though I suppose. I write as I think for the most part you know...I edit to an extent for spelling and organization and all that stuff.
Anyway, so after all that birthing and cord cutting I feel like I'm stretching out my limbs if you will. Just allowing myself to flow in my thoughts, emotions, and body as I feel is natural. Not condemning myself at every turn for fear of right or wrong or acceptable, but rather I am being thoughtful and patient in the observance of myself, my surrounding and how these things will interact.It feels much like when you exercise after you haven't for a long time, you start to notice the sensation of muscles being stimulated that haven't been for you don't even remember how long. It's that kind of exercise that you put of for fear of the pain that you only realize afterwards was more than worth it for the awesome energy and healthy benefits that you gain (not to mention that ache thats almost a sensual pleasure afterwards >v<)
It's weird looking back on my life sometimes. Thinking about how I had bottled my self up so over time.. I remember when I was trying to meet everyones expectations of me and mourned the shortcomings of my own. I didn't realize I was hushing my own spirit trying to mold myself to fit the view of what is right and worthy of acknowledgment in this upside down illusion that most people refer to as reality on this planet. Now that I'm here, now that I realize that all my thoughts and imaginings and inner issues and feelings actually mean something and effect the way my life unfolds, now that I know that I have the power to change myself and step out of my own boundaries to something more...all I can do is be grateful and amazed that I have made it through so much pain and insanity to be where I am now. Understanding things I had always thought to be too far beyond me, feelings sensations beyond my imagining, BEING myself >w< loving myself and my life to the fullest, growing on a personal level constantly evolving, making genuine connections with other lovely beings...
I am a child of earth and the heavens
the particles of vastness whoms mysteries
are imagined into art to be explored and revered
Who am I? I am me..
That is all that can be described
without limiting me
Why am I here?
To live, to love, to explore
so says the core of me and so
I am abiding
My life unfolding has been strange and often confusing and frustrating. I find myself embarrassed at the words I say as I describe such things that I worry will lead those who read of me to think me insane,even in this new age.
I asked myself this morning, why would I come to such a place as Earth if I was from elsewhere? To help people? To help myself? My first thought is that one of these answers is arrogant and the other too self serving. But beyond such rash judgment that I come to the question of, well? What are you doing now? What have you always been doing?
Observing the world around me, wanting to gain wisdom and understanding, loving, creating and honoring art in all forms, learning about myself and others, searching for the true meaning of the heart and love
These are things that I have always done, beneath all actions and chaotic swirling of life these ideas and inquiries have withstood within my consciousness untainted. This is my nature I suppose...
My personality takes on many shapes considering the type of woman I want to be at the time, I have my ideas of beauty and integrity that ground me, beyond that I am art in motion and I no longer feel the pressure to slow or stop to accommodate expectations of who I am. I am the creator of my doll and the doll herself, a member of the universe that cannot be duplicated or replaced in my unique value. If I am ever to be needed or wanted of myself or to anyone it will be in desire of the truth of said Me, and nothing less. This, I vow to my self for the evers of existence to come....though I have a feeling that I've already made this vow to myself long in times past <3
Anyway, so after all that birthing and cord cutting I feel like I'm stretching out my limbs if you will. Just allowing myself to flow in my thoughts, emotions, and body as I feel is natural. Not condemning myself at every turn for fear of right or wrong or acceptable, but rather I am being thoughtful and patient in the observance of myself, my surrounding and how these things will interact.It feels much like when you exercise after you haven't for a long time, you start to notice the sensation of muscles being stimulated that haven't been for you don't even remember how long. It's that kind of exercise that you put of for fear of the pain that you only realize afterwards was more than worth it for the awesome energy and healthy benefits that you gain (not to mention that ache thats almost a sensual pleasure afterwards >v<)
It's weird looking back on my life sometimes. Thinking about how I had bottled my self up so over time.. I remember when I was trying to meet everyones expectations of me and mourned the shortcomings of my own. I didn't realize I was hushing my own spirit trying to mold myself to fit the view of what is right and worthy of acknowledgment in this upside down illusion that most people refer to as reality on this planet. Now that I'm here, now that I realize that all my thoughts and imaginings and inner issues and feelings actually mean something and effect the way my life unfolds, now that I know that I have the power to change myself and step out of my own boundaries to something more...all I can do is be grateful and amazed that I have made it through so much pain and insanity to be where I am now. Understanding things I had always thought to be too far beyond me, feelings sensations beyond my imagining, BEING myself >w< loving myself and my life to the fullest, growing on a personal level constantly evolving, making genuine connections with other lovely beings...
I am a child of earth and the heavens
the particles of vastness whoms mysteries
are imagined into art to be explored and revered
Who am I? I am me..
That is all that can be described
without limiting me
Why am I here?
To live, to love, to explore
so says the core of me and so
I am abiding
My life unfolding has been strange and often confusing and frustrating. I find myself embarrassed at the words I say as I describe such things that I worry will lead those who read of me to think me insane,even in this new age.
I asked myself this morning, why would I come to such a place as Earth if I was from elsewhere? To help people? To help myself? My first thought is that one of these answers is arrogant and the other too self serving. But beyond such rash judgment that I come to the question of, well? What are you doing now? What have you always been doing?
Observing the world around me, wanting to gain wisdom and understanding, loving, creating and honoring art in all forms, learning about myself and others, searching for the true meaning of the heart and love
These are things that I have always done, beneath all actions and chaotic swirling of life these ideas and inquiries have withstood within my consciousness untainted. This is my nature I suppose...
My personality takes on many shapes considering the type of woman I want to be at the time, I have my ideas of beauty and integrity that ground me, beyond that I am art in motion and I no longer feel the pressure to slow or stop to accommodate expectations of who I am. I am the creator of my doll and the doll herself, a member of the universe that cannot be duplicated or replaced in my unique value. If I am ever to be needed or wanted of myself or to anyone it will be in desire of the truth of said Me, and nothing less. This, I vow to my self for the evers of existence to come....though I have a feeling that I've already made this vow to myself long in times past <3
Monday, April 29, 2013
Cutting the Umbilical cord
Yes, I have decided to be born. I find myself here awakening in infancy to the potential of myself. My eyesight is hazy, I wonder from where I came and where I will go... I realize that I am attached to something, it connects me to where I came from, my former home...anxiety befalls me in the thought of being detached from this place as the cord is loomed over by sharp blades.
In the world of Tarot the element of swords or blades refers to the element of air, of the intellectual and conflictual parts of existence.
I have come to face another idea which I must be birthed through. Who am I? Where do I come from?Why is this happening to me?
These questions standing ever in my existence, causing angst and tension cannot stand as such.
Where do I come from? Are people missing me? Are all these voices missing family and friends from other dimensions? My higher self? Am I on a mission? Did I fail my mission? Am I suppose to be here? Who is talking to me? Why are they talking to me? Why don't I remember? What am I suppose to remember?
All these questions are pointless in the face of memories unknown and voices gone unidentified. Many of the voices I hear I believe are myself in some form, perhaps I have heard the voice of a higher dimensional form of myself or friends and family from parallel realities. Those are all quite interesting things that I would love to lose myself in, cling to as concrete. Though the truth is, I cannot be sure. The truth is, I don't know anything about these things and doting on what the answers could be is pointless and harmful to some degree.
My ideas of "Home" I think of as me coming "from" somewhere and my imaginings of what I would be like existing in this place tend to restrain me as I hold on to some hardly formed ideal of what it means to be from that place that I don't know or remember.Perhaps...the place I come "from" doesn't even exist yet and my beautiful memories of another world are my imagining of something that I will and or be a part of creating.
My main point in this lesson to myself is, to stop relying on where I came from to define who I am. The attributes I carry with me now are the structure of my thought form existing in the Now and that is all I need. If there were memories I needed or really wanted or people that I should meet or things I should do I imagine they will arise when necessary and or possible, otherwise my focus should be here, creating myself now.
It's scary...the idea of cutting myself free from the idea of home as being that which defines my reason for being. When you cut the umbilical cord...you're mother is no longer your assured source of nourishment and comfort. Nothing is certain and within ourselves we can feel alone and become lonely and search for something to ground us, something to be apart of when we don't know what to do with ourselves.
I think it is true that Enlightenment means taking full responsibility for ones self. I've made the decision to cut myself away from all restraints to see who I really am and who I want to be and act like when I'm not living for the sake of anything else. Not for my family, not for my friends or even my daughter, not for my country or for my planet or for my home. I put aside everyone meanings and started from 0. Who am I after that?
This is not to say that I don't care about anything because certainly I do and certainly I have my wonderings...I just won't let these things control who I am because I want to be who I envision as my true self, and let my home be determined by that which embraces me from henceforth.
When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. ~ Audre Lorde ~
In the world of Tarot the element of swords or blades refers to the element of air, of the intellectual and conflictual parts of existence.
I have come to face another idea which I must be birthed through. Who am I? Where do I come from?Why is this happening to me?
These questions standing ever in my existence, causing angst and tension cannot stand as such.
Where do I come from? Are people missing me? Are all these voices missing family and friends from other dimensions? My higher self? Am I on a mission? Did I fail my mission? Am I suppose to be here? Who is talking to me? Why are they talking to me? Why don't I remember? What am I suppose to remember?
All these questions are pointless in the face of memories unknown and voices gone unidentified. Many of the voices I hear I believe are myself in some form, perhaps I have heard the voice of a higher dimensional form of myself or friends and family from parallel realities. Those are all quite interesting things that I would love to lose myself in, cling to as concrete. Though the truth is, I cannot be sure. The truth is, I don't know anything about these things and doting on what the answers could be is pointless and harmful to some degree.
My ideas of "Home" I think of as me coming "from" somewhere and my imaginings of what I would be like existing in this place tend to restrain me as I hold on to some hardly formed ideal of what it means to be from that place that I don't know or remember.Perhaps...the place I come "from" doesn't even exist yet and my beautiful memories of another world are my imagining of something that I will and or be a part of creating.
My main point in this lesson to myself is, to stop relying on where I came from to define who I am. The attributes I carry with me now are the structure of my thought form existing in the Now and that is all I need. If there were memories I needed or really wanted or people that I should meet or things I should do I imagine they will arise when necessary and or possible, otherwise my focus should be here, creating myself now.
It's scary...the idea of cutting myself free from the idea of home as being that which defines my reason for being. When you cut the umbilical cord...you're mother is no longer your assured source of nourishment and comfort. Nothing is certain and within ourselves we can feel alone and become lonely and search for something to ground us, something to be apart of when we don't know what to do with ourselves.
I think it is true that Enlightenment means taking full responsibility for ones self. I've made the decision to cut myself away from all restraints to see who I really am and who I want to be and act like when I'm not living for the sake of anything else. Not for my family, not for my friends or even my daughter, not for my country or for my planet or for my home. I put aside everyone meanings and started from 0. Who am I after that?
This is not to say that I don't care about anything because certainly I do and certainly I have my wonderings...I just won't let these things control who I am because I want to be who I envision as my true self, and let my home be determined by that which embraces me from henceforth.
When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. ~ Audre Lorde ~
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Plea for Delivery
It comes down to something very simple.
Something that I have always known.
I've strayed so far from that place it seems
though I know my straying is an illusion
I have always been here, even when my claims
state otherwise. I have only been fighting myself
Struggling between the truth and the lies
I don't want to get caught up, my fear is believing
the wrong side, but in my experience of life
I cannot shy away from what is mine
The way my feet wish to tread and where
my hands seek to grasp I lay unsteady here
on the cusp of understanding
They say that the ways of the heart are
not dependent of reason, in many ways this anthem
tones with freedom. To cut the tension of bondage
on my being, is it okay to to dance in this season?
To embrace a way of opening myself and letting
my feelings for all seep out, to embrace love in its
unconditional form, a part of me that is all but
forgotten
Can I birth myself from uncertainty and break
through these restrictive layers? The fear of change,
of a bleeding heart being taken advantage of again
Perhaps I can wrap my understanding around my
own strength and pick myself up from hopeless
debts, paying forward to what seems safe and
cautious and acknowledge my heart as a competent
compass
What is is it that I truly believe in? I ask of myself,
where is your courage? I don't expect to find myself
here, locked away in this cage of consternation
drowning in questions and rationalizations, whining and
wanting for someone to help me when all along this
song is playing
Ringing, ringing immersed in my concience
On this day I am for whom the bell tolls
The bell tolls for me, calling me home, its resonance
has resounded so long and I have been here
listening all along, waiting for myself to confirm
the note
Shall I lay my cares by the wayside? Toss myself
into this ocean of time...I've trusted the universe with
my life and verily it withstands that it has done me
no wrong, so why not? Why not let myself go? Fall
into giant hands and find my freedom
May my sentiments be my own, that of my
ceaseless knowing soul, from this point carrying
on, I beg of thee, Self, end this needless throe
Deliver me forth upon my shores
That which I am, evermore
Something that I have always known.
I've strayed so far from that place it seems
though I know my straying is an illusion
I have always been here, even when my claims
state otherwise. I have only been fighting myself
Struggling between the truth and the lies
I don't want to get caught up, my fear is believing
the wrong side, but in my experience of life
I cannot shy away from what is mine
The way my feet wish to tread and where
my hands seek to grasp I lay unsteady here
on the cusp of understanding
They say that the ways of the heart are
not dependent of reason, in many ways this anthem
tones with freedom. To cut the tension of bondage
on my being, is it okay to to dance in this season?
To embrace a way of opening myself and letting
my feelings for all seep out, to embrace love in its
unconditional form, a part of me that is all but
forgotten
Can I birth myself from uncertainty and break
through these restrictive layers? The fear of change,
of a bleeding heart being taken advantage of again
Perhaps I can wrap my understanding around my
own strength and pick myself up from hopeless
debts, paying forward to what seems safe and
cautious and acknowledge my heart as a competent
compass
What is is it that I truly believe in? I ask of myself,
where is your courage? I don't expect to find myself
here, locked away in this cage of consternation
drowning in questions and rationalizations, whining and
wanting for someone to help me when all along this
song is playing
Ringing, ringing immersed in my concience
On this day I am for whom the bell tolls
The bell tolls for me, calling me home, its resonance
has resounded so long and I have been here
listening all along, waiting for myself to confirm
the note
Shall I lay my cares by the wayside? Toss myself
into this ocean of time...I've trusted the universe with
my life and verily it withstands that it has done me
no wrong, so why not? Why not let myself go? Fall
into giant hands and find my freedom
May my sentiments be my own, that of my
ceaseless knowing soul, from this point carrying
on, I beg of thee, Self, end this needless throe
Deliver me forth upon my shores
That which I am, evermore
I am the Mid-wife of My Self...(When did I get trained for this again?)
I had a moment once...while I was sitting on the floor of my friends room. I don't remember what we were doing...I think a movie was on, I wasn't particularly interested in whatever was happening. I remember it was hot, during the summer, I was in that mood that I never know how to describe. Neutral...I guess. Not really engaged about anything that was going on, probably weary from my life. I wasn't really thinking about anything...I remember letting my head fall back with boredom, I closed my eyes and then...there was an image that flashed into my head. A women...I only saw her from the neck up, like a portrait....
She looked...just like me. Only,she seemed more mature in her expression, her eyes were crimson red, her hair as black and shiny as raven feathers. Her hair was pulled up in the middle and decorated by a gold hair ornament, the style of it reminding me of a traditional Chinese aesthetic. The image of her stayed but a moment, though I never forgot any feature of her. It startled me, this image so clear of this woman who looked undeniably like myself coming from...nowhere. For a long time I tried to rationalize how I had imagined it but it didn't really make sense. There was no inspiration for it, I hadn't been thinking about anything, expecting anything, and I had never envisioned myself this way or anything close to this image anytime before.
Then, some day later...I'm not sure of how many days existed in between but...I had a dream of her.
The setting was an ideal blue sky, complete with perfect fluffy white clouds. She was just there, in this space of blue sky there was no ground. This time I could see her in full. Her outfit matched the style of her hair, like Chinese empirical robe, red with gold trimmings. She reached out her arms, beckoning me into an embrace. I became aware of myself, suddenly I wondered of my appearance worrying that I looked too shabby to greet this stunningly majestic woman. This was during the time that I was growing my hair out of my perm and I had a rather disorderly afro that I kept hidden under a mid-length black wig. I decided that I wasn't going to worry over that, that it was trivial to hesitate in accepting her call for something so trivial as the sate of my hair (in this obviously astral dream place no less.) At this point I seemed to burst through layers of myself. I went from my usual physical appearance and then burst into golden light particles and some other form that I'm afraid I cant remember the description for...
I think that two or three bursts occurred, after the last one burst I was floating smoothly toward her. Her smile was warm, I wanted nothing more than to reach her. It felt so right and yet...as I just about reached her, this smiling, warm, beautiful woman who looked just like me, beckoning me unto herself, our hands just about to meet so that she could pull me in, my anticipation preceding me at the feeling of utter bliss that I felt was sure to befall me when we joined...just as my fingertips would have met her hands...I had the most regretful moment in which the thought of fear prevailed
"But what will happen when I touch her?"
The fear that something bad would befall me when me met ripped me away from her instantly. There was a feeling of sadness between us as I was sucked back through all my bodies into the physical. I watched myself be yanked away from her, from this moment that felt so right because of a fear that I ultimately surmised was only because the answer was unknown.
I asked the obvious questions...what did this all mean? Why had I seen her twice? Who is she? Why does she look like me?
During this time I had begun to delve into spirituality and had done research on alot of things. This brought about the questions...Is she a me from another reality? Is she my higher self?
To this day I still wonder...I wonder even still if I just reached some height of imagination that I never have before. None the less...her presence, and that dream stuck with me deeply. Regardless of the truth of her being there was this symbolism I could not ignore: My inability to embrace myself because of my fear of myself. (This wasn't exactly a new concept....)
Who am I? Where am I from? What am I capable of?
These questions...I don't know why. Their answers and even the imaginings of their answers terrify me. Well, that's not exactly right...The truth is that I know why they terrify me. I have lived my life on this planet in this form as this person that so many have come to know me as and become comfortable with. Indeed I have only begun to live in the past few years, gaining deeper connections with those whom I love and really seeking true fulfillment in my life. I'm in a more or less comfortable place here.
The idea of the ground shaking beneath me, of my eyesight shifting, ending up in a reality that's so different than this not knowing how I would get back here or if I would come back here at all...here...where I've already built this life and where people have come to know me as I am after I've strived so hard to gain this life with people who will accept me and even enjoy what I have to offer their lives...
And yet...I have always craved this...this, bringing forth of that which feels like home to me. Whether Home be some missing part of myself finally rising and/or that I'm actually from some other place or time that I'll come to remember...
Who am I really? Where am I from? I've always felt that there was... so much to to me. I felt that there was a magical me existing somewhere, that there was somewhere else I belonged...and in recent days...I hear people calling out to me: "Remember." "Remember who you are." "Remember where we come from."....among other things of course. At times there were even some short conversations...this is while I am awake mind you, with beings that I can hear but cannot see. Once...someone said to me that I had promised to come home....and another time, a woman's voice from within me spoke "Kurai, I want you to know, that I love you and I need you. Be strong, and show your true-"
I became distracted, flustered by the recognition of this voice speaking within me and I lost focus and the voice seemed to mumble out of tune and I missed what she said. A feeling of warmth and love filled me in that moment.
Urg...this whole thing about who I am and accepting myself and the fears and doubts that prevent me from doing so...Even now my allergies are flaring up for the fiercely and I saw this thing today, a chart matching physical ailments to metaphysical causes. Next to allergies it says: Denying your own power. who or what are you allergic to?
....Coincidence?
I don't even know what to say about this anymore. It's like 6am now *looks over my shoulder out of the window* Yeah...the suns coming up...There isn't much more to say anyway I guess. It's clear what I have to do...go into the depths of my heart and find the courage to get past these fears and doubts if I want to have any chance of accepting myself and my reality as a whole and integrating that fullness into my life.
If you stayed with me this long, thank you for reading. It's been a long night and I'm going to go sleep on my issues. Blessings be upon thee...life is a trip <3
She looked...just like me. Only,she seemed more mature in her expression, her eyes were crimson red, her hair as black and shiny as raven feathers. Her hair was pulled up in the middle and decorated by a gold hair ornament, the style of it reminding me of a traditional Chinese aesthetic. The image of her stayed but a moment, though I never forgot any feature of her. It startled me, this image so clear of this woman who looked undeniably like myself coming from...nowhere. For a long time I tried to rationalize how I had imagined it but it didn't really make sense. There was no inspiration for it, I hadn't been thinking about anything, expecting anything, and I had never envisioned myself this way or anything close to this image anytime before.
Then, some day later...I'm not sure of how many days existed in between but...I had a dream of her.
The setting was an ideal blue sky, complete with perfect fluffy white clouds. She was just there, in this space of blue sky there was no ground. This time I could see her in full. Her outfit matched the style of her hair, like Chinese empirical robe, red with gold trimmings. She reached out her arms, beckoning me into an embrace. I became aware of myself, suddenly I wondered of my appearance worrying that I looked too shabby to greet this stunningly majestic woman. This was during the time that I was growing my hair out of my perm and I had a rather disorderly afro that I kept hidden under a mid-length black wig. I decided that I wasn't going to worry over that, that it was trivial to hesitate in accepting her call for something so trivial as the sate of my hair (in this obviously astral dream place no less.) At this point I seemed to burst through layers of myself. I went from my usual physical appearance and then burst into golden light particles and some other form that I'm afraid I cant remember the description for...
I think that two or three bursts occurred, after the last one burst I was floating smoothly toward her. Her smile was warm, I wanted nothing more than to reach her. It felt so right and yet...as I just about reached her, this smiling, warm, beautiful woman who looked just like me, beckoning me unto herself, our hands just about to meet so that she could pull me in, my anticipation preceding me at the feeling of utter bliss that I felt was sure to befall me when we joined...just as my fingertips would have met her hands...I had the most regretful moment in which the thought of fear prevailed
"But what will happen when I touch her?"
The fear that something bad would befall me when me met ripped me away from her instantly. There was a feeling of sadness between us as I was sucked back through all my bodies into the physical. I watched myself be yanked away from her, from this moment that felt so right because of a fear that I ultimately surmised was only because the answer was unknown.
I asked the obvious questions...what did this all mean? Why had I seen her twice? Who is she? Why does she look like me?
During this time I had begun to delve into spirituality and had done research on alot of things. This brought about the questions...Is she a me from another reality? Is she my higher self?
To this day I still wonder...I wonder even still if I just reached some height of imagination that I never have before. None the less...her presence, and that dream stuck with me deeply. Regardless of the truth of her being there was this symbolism I could not ignore: My inability to embrace myself because of my fear of myself. (This wasn't exactly a new concept....)
Who am I? Where am I from? What am I capable of?
These questions...I don't know why. Their answers and even the imaginings of their answers terrify me. Well, that's not exactly right...The truth is that I know why they terrify me. I have lived my life on this planet in this form as this person that so many have come to know me as and become comfortable with. Indeed I have only begun to live in the past few years, gaining deeper connections with those whom I love and really seeking true fulfillment in my life. I'm in a more or less comfortable place here.
The idea of the ground shaking beneath me, of my eyesight shifting, ending up in a reality that's so different than this not knowing how I would get back here or if I would come back here at all...here...where I've already built this life and where people have come to know me as I am after I've strived so hard to gain this life with people who will accept me and even enjoy what I have to offer their lives...
And yet...I have always craved this...this, bringing forth of that which feels like home to me. Whether Home be some missing part of myself finally rising and/or that I'm actually from some other place or time that I'll come to remember...
Who am I really? Where am I from? I've always felt that there was... so much to to me. I felt that there was a magical me existing somewhere, that there was somewhere else I belonged...and in recent days...I hear people calling out to me: "Remember." "Remember who you are." "Remember where we come from."....among other things of course. At times there were even some short conversations...this is while I am awake mind you, with beings that I can hear but cannot see. Once...someone said to me that I had promised to come home....and another time, a woman's voice from within me spoke "Kurai, I want you to know, that I love you and I need you. Be strong, and show your true-"
I became distracted, flustered by the recognition of this voice speaking within me and I lost focus and the voice seemed to mumble out of tune and I missed what she said. A feeling of warmth and love filled me in that moment.
Urg...this whole thing about who I am and accepting myself and the fears and doubts that prevent me from doing so...Even now my allergies are flaring up for the fiercely and I saw this thing today, a chart matching physical ailments to metaphysical causes. Next to allergies it says: Denying your own power. who or what are you allergic to?
....Coincidence?
I don't even know what to say about this anymore. It's like 6am now *looks over my shoulder out of the window* Yeah...the suns coming up...There isn't much more to say anyway I guess. It's clear what I have to do...go into the depths of my heart and find the courage to get past these fears and doubts if I want to have any chance of accepting myself and my reality as a whole and integrating that fullness into my life.
If you stayed with me this long, thank you for reading. It's been a long night and I'm going to go sleep on my issues. Blessings be upon thee...life is a trip <3
The Lovers Yin and Yang
Well...what do you know...it's uh...what time is it *looks at lower right hand corner of laptop* OH! It's about 3:23am, well....that's nice. Hello weary mind...I see you're up again. Are we gonna write about that stuff you were thinking about...uhm...maybe...lets see...
Oh yes, my Beloved and I. I read things occasionally about divine counterparts and twin flames and soul mates and such. The relationship between masculine and feminine energy greatly interests me. I feel that the concept of this is an integral part in all of our lives going much deeper than the simple appearance of "Man" and "Woman" and their connotative roles and meanings. Though I wont really get into info and definitions and such. I'm not very good at textbook explanations. Here is my experience:
My lover and I are like Yin and Yang. This is what I have come to view our interactions as. We are largely opposite in the way we do approach and deal with things. For this reason we are often at arms against each other, thankfully we are conscious enough to see this and thus our exchange never goes past the boiling point into verbal or physical abuse...at least not in any serious sense. Our words tend to bite, being as sharp as we in our debates, and we tend to nudge each other aggressively in some way if it's really bad but...it's all dramatics and side ways looks of knowing in the end. We recognize that we are often on opposite ends of the world, it amazes us both every day that we have managed to make a harmony from this.
Something I have noticed about us is that we tend to go in this cycle every month or so (at least that is my idea, again my figuring of linear time tend to be way off so I am really going off feeling here). I notice lessons come into our lives, the natures of which would be too hard to try to recount with all the intricacies involved and the many of examples. The point is, an issue or issues arise and we each take our stand and beliefs on why it is happening. We battle, as is natural apparently in the resolution of things, and go through a period of time where we feel disconnected (other issues arise from this which we must inevitably push to the side to get the the greater issue). The battling is just a series of weird conversations where we talk around a problem that neither of us seem to be able to grasp the full extent of or articulate properly for the understanding of the other.
At some point we reason to just let it go and stay out of each others way while the string of tension is still sensitive and there's a a period of time where we're just alright. We're not particularly honeymooning deep in love as elves like we usually are nor are we at arms at least...we make serious attempts not to be. This is rather the "Truce." period I suppose where we kinda just say fuck it until whatever piece is missing that will allow the issue to be solved surfaces. At some point, us both weary in our time feeling the energetic separateness and being on opposite sides of the universe we miraculously come to settle into a conversation that allows us both to come to some conclusion about the matter. Then we're at peace, the tension is gone, its awesome. Both parties have articulating their feelings and logic on the matter to some degree of fulfillment and understanding and we're good, on common ground.
Then, things flip...somehow. This is where the image of the yin yang comes to mind. And we find ourselves right back where we started only...on opposite side of experiences. It's like I can see things from the view he once had and he is now seeing the situation as me. An utter perspective change that even bleeds into our dimeaner and characteristics. We even end up using each others words, the very word we used on opposite side to explain ourselves in the first half of this experience. I see each of us in each other, blending and switching for all kinds of reasons. I feel like this happens so that we can resolve things as a whole unit. It is not enough for one to see one way and the other another even if we do find middle ground. No...we must take this experience in full and see each other go through it and view it from our perspective on the outside and also experience each side within ourselves and reflect on it from within.
I'd like to call this interchange Divine...I hardly know what the word means honestly but it feels right to call it so.I think its beautiful and Sacred the way my lover and I are in our relationship. We tackle reality together, so often unsure and surely frustrated along the way. But in our swirling we make it work, as man and woman, woman and man, yin and yang, yang and yin....
It drives me nuts sometimes but that's alright. Like this last week has been really bonkers. Illusions and emotions.... Reality and reason seeming to slip just out of our grasp every time *shaking my head* And in the midst of that...trying to birth my Soul into myself....yeah...self soul birthing...I'm gonna make that a separate post...
Oh yes, my Beloved and I. I read things occasionally about divine counterparts and twin flames and soul mates and such. The relationship between masculine and feminine energy greatly interests me. I feel that the concept of this is an integral part in all of our lives going much deeper than the simple appearance of "Man" and "Woman" and their connotative roles and meanings. Though I wont really get into info and definitions and such. I'm not very good at textbook explanations. Here is my experience:
My lover and I are like Yin and Yang. This is what I have come to view our interactions as. We are largely opposite in the way we do approach and deal with things. For this reason we are often at arms against each other, thankfully we are conscious enough to see this and thus our exchange never goes past the boiling point into verbal or physical abuse...at least not in any serious sense. Our words tend to bite, being as sharp as we in our debates, and we tend to nudge each other aggressively in some way if it's really bad but...it's all dramatics and side ways looks of knowing in the end. We recognize that we are often on opposite ends of the world, it amazes us both every day that we have managed to make a harmony from this.
Something I have noticed about us is that we tend to go in this cycle every month or so (at least that is my idea, again my figuring of linear time tend to be way off so I am really going off feeling here). I notice lessons come into our lives, the natures of which would be too hard to try to recount with all the intricacies involved and the many of examples. The point is, an issue or issues arise and we each take our stand and beliefs on why it is happening. We battle, as is natural apparently in the resolution of things, and go through a period of time where we feel disconnected (other issues arise from this which we must inevitably push to the side to get the the greater issue). The battling is just a series of weird conversations where we talk around a problem that neither of us seem to be able to grasp the full extent of or articulate properly for the understanding of the other.
At some point we reason to just let it go and stay out of each others way while the string of tension is still sensitive and there's a a period of time where we're just alright. We're not particularly honeymooning deep in love as elves like we usually are nor are we at arms at least...we make serious attempts not to be. This is rather the "Truce." period I suppose where we kinda just say fuck it until whatever piece is missing that will allow the issue to be solved surfaces. At some point, us both weary in our time feeling the energetic separateness and being on opposite sides of the universe we miraculously come to settle into a conversation that allows us both to come to some conclusion about the matter. Then we're at peace, the tension is gone, its awesome. Both parties have articulating their feelings and logic on the matter to some degree of fulfillment and understanding and we're good, on common ground.
Then, things flip...somehow. This is where the image of the yin yang comes to mind. And we find ourselves right back where we started only...on opposite side of experiences. It's like I can see things from the view he once had and he is now seeing the situation as me. An utter perspective change that even bleeds into our dimeaner and characteristics. We even end up using each others words, the very word we used on opposite side to explain ourselves in the first half of this experience. I see each of us in each other, blending and switching for all kinds of reasons. I feel like this happens so that we can resolve things as a whole unit. It is not enough for one to see one way and the other another even if we do find middle ground. No...we must take this experience in full and see each other go through it and view it from our perspective on the outside and also experience each side within ourselves and reflect on it from within.
I'd like to call this interchange Divine...I hardly know what the word means honestly but it feels right to call it so.I think its beautiful and Sacred the way my lover and I are in our relationship. We tackle reality together, so often unsure and surely frustrated along the way. But in our swirling we make it work, as man and woman, woman and man, yin and yang, yang and yin....
It drives me nuts sometimes but that's alright. Like this last week has been really bonkers. Illusions and emotions.... Reality and reason seeming to slip just out of our grasp every time *shaking my head* And in the midst of that...trying to birth my Soul into myself....yeah...self soul birthing...I'm gonna make that a separate post...
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Efflorescence
I plant myself as a seed
to be beckoned by the sun
unfolding into the light as
a blossoming one
Called forth, the pieces
of me, spill over with brilliant
coloring, soft appendages
stretch out for all to experience
The expression of beauty
blessed upon me, this I return
to the world, pouring freely
To inspire as inspiration
hath born me, the essence
of myself comes to forming
The loveliness from which
all flowers bloom, the will
to be buried and then to
grow
The courage to open
what once was closed
to be beckoned by the sun
unfolding into the light as
a blossoming one
Called forth, the pieces
of me, spill over with brilliant
coloring, soft appendages
stretch out for all to experience
The expression of beauty
blessed upon me, this I return
to the world, pouring freely
To inspire as inspiration
hath born me, the essence
of myself comes to forming
The loveliness from which
all flowers bloom, the will
to be buried and then to
grow
The courage to open
what once was closed
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Brisk Walk
I tear off my hood
I wonder why I even bothered
What's a little rain in face? Whats a little
cold wind? I love it all anyway, it's so cleansing
and I need to get out of this mood I'm in.
Let the rain fall over me
Even when I haven't the courage to
fall myself , it will fall anyway, stream down my face
as my tears would and forgive me of my hesitance
May the rain cleanse me of
of such negative things, and the winds
blow through me with their kind forces, comforting
me with a bitter chill, prickling my skin
Fall and lash on this grey Spring
day, embrace me.My heart tones in appreciation
for your company.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Connecting to Creation
For the last two nights I have had dreams about drawing patterns with God in an undefined space. It makes me feel AWSOME >w< My relationship with my Creator has always been very important to me. When I was younger, being raised in a family that believes in Church it led me to trying my hardest to be devout to Christianity though, organized religion never fit right with me. I researched alot of religions and God is referred to by many names. I rather like the name God, though also Creator and Source which I use interchangeably.
It brings me great joy to think about my relationship with my Creator and I have longed to express my feelings about this to others though I have hesitated in doing so for quite the longtime because I didn't wish to seem like some religious nut or new age love freak or something lol these judgments I do not hold on anyone nor do I worry of them being placed on myself any longer. I have felt for quite a while the burning desire to connect with and know the Source of me. In recent days I have found great joy in this journey and my dreams of working with God and making art bring me the utmost of elation!
I wonder among the people I know if anyone else feels things like this and just don't mention them for fear of bringing up the controversy related to sensitive topics like religion. Perhaps I will simply ask them, soon enough :) Just out of curiosity of what they think of course. I have no concrete vision of what should be thought about God or how ones relationship with God should be expressed or anything like that.
What do I feel about God? Well...here is what I have always believed beyond anything I've been taught. I have always felt that God is unconditionally loving. I pictured him as my father (in my youth feeling very connected to the dark I pictured him as darkness and the night), an ever present energy that would embrace me with understanding, guiding whispers and comfort whenever I needed him. the wind was like his arms around me and the moon and stars like twinkling eyes, reminders of him ("him" I use simply for reference for I don't believe that God has any sex beyond how one might perceive him). I always felt that I perceived God through my heart because my heart seemed to be the guiding force of me, physically giving me life and metaphysically holding me strong through all my dark days. Even when I wanted to give up my heart and my father were always there for me, willing me to write or create rather than fall and so art has always been my savior.
I feel that my want to uphold ideas like integrity, honor, balance, justice, patience, unconditional love, kinship, wisdom, and beauty are inspirations that derive from my Creator and thus he too must be of these things or at least wanting of them to exist. These have been great driving forces of my life for which I am wholly grateful.
I cherish all beings and art and life and everything that is has to do with to the point that I am almost constantly at the brink of tears in my reverence of it all. I love my Creator, I love my life, I love my friends, I love the universe and all within it!
This is my extra gay moment for today...To go on much further I'm afraid I'd just start repeating myself and be rambling about how much I love God and everything and everyone cause this is the wave I'm on right now lol So...I'll stop writing for now.
Love and blessings to all. Thanks for reading, If you were here, I'd hug you out of appreciation for sharing this moment with me <3
It brings me great joy to think about my relationship with my Creator and I have longed to express my feelings about this to others though I have hesitated in doing so for quite the longtime because I didn't wish to seem like some religious nut or new age love freak or something lol these judgments I do not hold on anyone nor do I worry of them being placed on myself any longer. I have felt for quite a while the burning desire to connect with and know the Source of me. In recent days I have found great joy in this journey and my dreams of working with God and making art bring me the utmost of elation!
I wonder among the people I know if anyone else feels things like this and just don't mention them for fear of bringing up the controversy related to sensitive topics like religion. Perhaps I will simply ask them, soon enough :) Just out of curiosity of what they think of course. I have no concrete vision of what should be thought about God or how ones relationship with God should be expressed or anything like that.
What do I feel about God? Well...here is what I have always believed beyond anything I've been taught. I have always felt that God is unconditionally loving. I pictured him as my father (in my youth feeling very connected to the dark I pictured him as darkness and the night), an ever present energy that would embrace me with understanding, guiding whispers and comfort whenever I needed him. the wind was like his arms around me and the moon and stars like twinkling eyes, reminders of him ("him" I use simply for reference for I don't believe that God has any sex beyond how one might perceive him). I always felt that I perceived God through my heart because my heart seemed to be the guiding force of me, physically giving me life and metaphysically holding me strong through all my dark days. Even when I wanted to give up my heart and my father were always there for me, willing me to write or create rather than fall and so art has always been my savior.
I feel that my want to uphold ideas like integrity, honor, balance, justice, patience, unconditional love, kinship, wisdom, and beauty are inspirations that derive from my Creator and thus he too must be of these things or at least wanting of them to exist. These have been great driving forces of my life for which I am wholly grateful.
I cherish all beings and art and life and everything that is has to do with to the point that I am almost constantly at the brink of tears in my reverence of it all. I love my Creator, I love my life, I love my friends, I love the universe and all within it!
This is my extra gay moment for today...To go on much further I'm afraid I'd just start repeating myself and be rambling about how much I love God and everything and everyone cause this is the wave I'm on right now lol So...I'll stop writing for now.
Love and blessings to all. Thanks for reading, If you were here, I'd hug you out of appreciation for sharing this moment with me <3
Reflection on my recent development
“Your
eyesight will be tainted by control
Unmask
yourself prepare to fall into giant hands
And know
freedom”
-Hella
4/21/13
Every time
of darkness on the road of death into rebirth is wrought with confusion and
twisted feelings of my insides. On this path I squirm uncomfortably but I walk
on, I refuse to fall. I know at the end there will be another piece of me
unveiled; a puzzle piece that makes all my pains and confusion untwist their
knots and be sewn into sense.
I had a
moment yesterday after my afternoon realizations where I was lying in bed
feeling rather apathetic as I was stripping myself of pointless words, the
words that would bombard my head with judgments of myself, judgments of
everything around me, in constant observation of what I was doing and how it
might appear and the possibilities of what might be going on and if it was okay
and normal and just AH! Everything you can think of. A clear example would be:
I had stood
up to start doing my squats when I spaced out for a while; crying, thinking.
Just standing there under the sun and clouds, not really looking at anything,
not doing anything, just standing and crying silently. I wondered to myself “Is
this okay, me just standing here? I bet if anyone was looking at me right now
they’d think there was something wrong with me. Just standing and crying for a
reason I can even explain. Shouldn’t I know why I’m crying? Does that mean I’m
too blind to see my own feelings? And I’m still just standing here. Am I
stalling so I don’t excercise? Am I being lazy? Is me just standing here for no
reason my sly way of being lazy? Am I keeping myself from knowing the reasons
so I can be lazy? Shouldn’t I be doing something? Excercising or something? I
shouldn’t just be standing here…”
All these thoughts, all those words just made my head hurt.
Just made me feel tense and made me cry even more. Of course I wondered…why am
I doing this to myself? I know there are more feelings within me than I have description
for. I felt like crying, shouldn’t I be free to cry? Does me crying really
require a reason? I mean…who’s watch am I on? I don’t need to understand
everything the moment I experience it. I should feel free to express myself the
way I feel appropriate. And the standing…maybe it was odd but…in this moment
this is where I stood. I was comfortable just standing there, just being in
this moment should be perfectly acceptable no matter if I’m just standing or
sitting or if I was doing some crazy dance! It shouldn’t matter. I was just
being myself, existing, not bothering anyone or anything.
I realize that my only oppressor was myself. Perhaps I am
prone to this over-analyzation and need for control and expectations of instant
understanding because of this demanding reality that I grew up in on planet
earth. Certainly my time here has made me weary of the judgment of others
causing me to place them on myself as well as an instinct of adaption to
survive. However…I’ve realized that these restrictions are illusions. I am under no ones thumb, I need not answer silent expectations.I realize
that I have no need to hide myself or mold myself. Freedom is a way of life and the way that I wish to be.
Now, referring back to this moment I had sitting in my bed
reflecting on these earlier realizations. I was reading through some old
journal entries of one of my dear friends (you know who you are ;) and was
admiring his imaginative description of interactions in his youth with the
ideas depicted as entities of Love, hate, envy and other things. Halfway
through one of the pages I felt…idk…I just felt like collapsing. Perhaps it had
something to do with the entries bringing back memories of the battles of my own
adolescence. In any case, I collapsed face first into the pillow that was in
front of me. Many emotions and thoughts about who I’ve been and who I am and
who I want to be flashed before me. I
thought “I’m so many people. So many emotions. Swirling around in every single
moment…always changing.” I felt like I was drowning. I was uneasy and so complicated it made me
feel like hopeless chaos. It almost made me start crying again when I suddenly
had the idea that “No…wait. I am not these things. I am not all these identities.
I am not all of these emotions and thoughts. I am the creator of all these
identities, the observer of these identities, thoughts and emotions. I adopt these things..."
I looked up, and then I sat up. Yes…this thought felt,
right. There was this feeling of freedom about this thought. The idea that I am
the still axis between these ever coursing things, was a great comfort in this
.It meant that I wasn’t really drowning, it meant that I could observe with a
sense of peace and not be lost as things come to be understood and resolved
because…that which is truly me, is always going to be okay. That which is truly
me is constant, outside of the chaos of constantly spiraling and shifting
energies. There is a place for me to lay my weary head when in need of rest, and it is my Self within me...
I felt like a great weight had been lifted from my
being. I felt this wholly like a fresh,
deep breath filling my body with new life. (I feel this way usually after some
grand epiphany.)
I feel so much better now. It seems much easier to navigate
myself and my life when I am not identifying myself as every passing thought
and feeling and overly scrutinizing every move I make internally and externally.
I find it easier to stay calm and I don’t feel so strained all the time.
I feel like…there is this vast space within me that I have
been trying to sink into only there’s all this debris that I have to sort
through in order to fully embrace it. Maybe it’s my soul? The universe? Both…? I hope so J All I know is that, if
dreaming has taught me anything it’s that you never know for sure what will be
at the other end of the staircase. I just keep walking, step by step,
observing, going with the flow, doing what I feel is right at the time. I
figure that’s the best way to end up where I’m headed…wherever that is lol
I wonder what my next walk of Death will be like >w< What’s the
next hurtle in my personal growth :D
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Dimensional Doll
Why must we
always be breaking?
My limbs
flail about, not understanding
My world
spins around on an axis
There is no
reality or illusion
Not for
long, in my song
My heart is
a music box
I turn, ever
turn
My
appearance shifts in moments
Myriads of
expressions blooming
I break and
I break and I die
Death, yes I
think it so sweet
It fills me
with pain and desire
For what I
have left and what arises
Blending
hues to paint anew
New limbs to
stretch into
On my axis I
observe
How my
expressions tend to blur
My body is
in such disarray, sometimes
From the
pain, and the dying
But I’m
quite fine really, turning
This has
been my life, always
Chiseling at
my frame, the winds
Of my
spinning ever changing the
View point
I’m taking
I love
dancing
I love making
New
creations
For my
Presentation
I love
breaking
Into myself
And finding
Lovely
things
Imaginings
Dresses and
nail polish
Bracelets
and hairstyles
Markings and
colors
The Angst
and the horror
Love and
devotion
Fear and
control
Beauty and
ugliness
Perfection
and flaw
Lovely
things
All such
lovely things
Coming and
going round
The axis of
me
I am the
spinning
I am not
“myself”
I am the
axis
The
perception of
things that
come and go
Of the world
that turns and flows
Do you like
me? I would like you to
Does it matter?
Really, no
I like
myself, and I like the world
It is all
such an interesting show
Unamused
Unamused...
Muse...inspiration
The opposite of which
My attitude towards this:
Forceful exclamation
Loud and blunt
Words words words
Idle pratel
Trying to hold on to
Tangible reality
Trying desperately
To make a statement
Shouting
Trying to be bold
Making a stand
Scream scream
Reason
Thrash thrash
Control
With these words
Exclamations and
Definitions of
What things
“really” are
Unamused, so unamused
What things really
are, need not
Physical volume
They are withstanding
On their own
So why
Why this need to
Scream and shout,
To capitalize and
Be forceful about
What we are about?
I’m tired
Tired and unamused
This…is what
I am
Going through….
“I am” separate
From “going through”
The motion
This is merely
Written observance
Afternoon Realizations
I become tired of the words of my thoughts. I become tired
of words. I feel summoned to something about me…something beyond the means of
my communicating in words. This frustrates me, I realize now, as I long for
guidance. I feel alone, though I know I am not. I am tired of this duality
between myself, of wondering and knowing, of searching and having. They hinder
each other in their bumping. And thus hinder me as I collide into myself. It
makes me want to die.
I crawl into my heart. I sit amongst nature outside. I stand
in the sun and pray that its warmth find me behind the clouds. I sit and
meditate and I cry. I cry for reasons that I don’t understand. I cry for a
reason that cannot be rationalized, because the feeling that fuels them is not
within my understanding to describe. I am not sad, I am not mad, and my only
frustration stems from the wondering of why this is happening to me. Though
truly…what does it matter?
My feelings are what they are, beyond words. They wish to be
left this way, in their truth. I wish to be left to myself, in my truth.
In this longing I wonder of God. God… the energy of all. God…The
controversial name on which many place their many meaning and interpretations.
The God I recognize…is like my emotions. There is no need for definition; there
is only that which it is. This cannot be articulated with justice, for the
justice of it, is not within the ability of labeling, I feel. Names and titles
are merely references to what truly exists. Names and titles are not what exists.
I sit in the grass beneath the clouded sky. The warmth of
sun will not stay with me long. There are too many big puffy clouds. I don’t
wish to curse them, though my desire is that they weren't there. My
desires…have nothing to do with the way things unfold around me, at least, not
always. I think for a moment about cloud busting, though, the idea of
commanding for my will and want alone disturbs me. I leave it be. I don’t wish
to be commanding. I just want to be within that which simply IS. Within myself,
within my place in the universe.
A strange feeling in my chest pinches me. I keep crying…It
makes me wonder why but…I loathe this wondering. I want to shed myself of this
wondering. It makes me want to die because it never seems to be satisfied. I
just want to cry. I just want to feel what arises in me as it is. I wish to
strip myself of my want to label as my means of understanding. I want to be as
free as the tears that stream from my eyes, they are un-needing of reason. Or
perhaps, their reasons are already understood by them without questioning. I
wish to be in this way…to make my spirit naked of questioning and description.
I wish to be beyond words. Merely being, merely an experience.
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